03/29/2010 3:00 am
Life
My Midlife-Crisis Baby, by Kristin van Ogtrop
The editor-in-chief of Real Simple reveals that, at the age of 42, one thing was clear: She wanted a third child.
Kristin van Ogtrop/Image: Kim Myers Robertson
Editor’s Note: Kristin van Ogtrop is the editor-in-chief of Real Simple magazine. Her memoir, Just Let Me Lie Down: Necessary Terms for the Half-Insane Working Mom was just published by Little, Brown.
Our midlife-crisis baby arrived three weeks before my 43rd birthday, when I was still 42 — which seems more than a year younger than 43 when you’re dealing with matters of reproduction. My husband and I had talked for the better part of a decade about whether or not to have a third child; the first and even the second were no-brainers, but deciding to have a third was really a commitment. No doubt some of my reluctance came from my mother’s cautionary words: "Having two is like having one and a half, but having three is like having ten." (And this from a woman who could actually take care of three young daughters, throw dinner parties and sew clothes, all in the same day.)
| When I turned 42 I made a decision: I did not want to turn 52 and still be wondering if we should have another child. |
I had had two miscarriages when I was 39, which left me wary. After producing my first two children with tremendous luck and efficiency, the back-to-back miscarriages were a giant surprise that resulted in a lot of sadness on the part of me and my husband and a lot of tears on the part of me. I felt jinxed, and I was not eager to repeat the experience.
And there was something else: As time passed, I began to view the miscarriages as God’s conviction that the whole third-child thing was a really bad idea for me. But the sense that someone was missing just wouldn’t go away. One day I explained the God theory to my husband, who replied, "Well, maybe God was testing you, to see how much you wanted it." This confused me a great deal. What if he was right?
So we got a dog, and for a while our little family felt complete to me. But dogs cannot sit up and have dinner with the family (well, at least ours can’t), and when I would look around me at the table, I still felt an absence. Blame it on my childhood, blame it on my generation’s constant desire to just have more, blame it on countless magazine articles proclaiming that four was the new three and three was the new two. When I turned 42 I made a decision: I did not want to turn 52 and still be wondering if we should have another child.
So we did it, the thing that my New York City obstetrician assured me was not so unusual but that left certain members of my family scratching their heads: We had that midlife-crisis baby. He was born when his older brothers were 12 and 9. And, like nearly everything in life, it’s not quite what I expected.
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Kristin, I have no children so I can’t say I know how you feel. But it sounds like all three of your children are very lucky to have the parents they have. I’m sure there’s plenty of exhaustion and worry involved, but you also make it clear that the rewards of motherhood far outweigh anything else. I’ve often said that if I had had children, I’d like to have had them later in life rather than in my younger years. Patience is the key and, let’s face it … there’s just not enough of that to go around when we’re in our 20’s.
Congratulations on your midlife baby, and your happy family. I hope you get to lie down soon. :)
Sometimes a child yet to be born is a missing link in a family. Once they come you can’t imagine having had a life without them. Bearing children at any age brings tremendous joy. You see the world differently through the eyes of each child as they experience things for the first time. If you truly want to be a parent age should be no barrier. I really do think that babies born to older parents fare better in life. They have adults to care for them with the time and compassion to help them develop fully.
Mixed feelings on this one. Yes, this was eloquently written, and it sounds like everything is working out wonderfully and this midlife child is healthy and happy, so that’s all great. The main thing is that he is loved for his own sake and I think that is true here.
But… I can’t help feeling a little ripple of doubt about the rightness of having a child to feel young again, or because one is not ready to move on into the next chapter of one’s own life. Those are actually selfish motives… and embarking intentionally on a pregnancy at age (nearly) 43 entails more risk than many women imagine. I know others who have had healthy children in their 40s, but I also know others whose midlife pregnancies did not turn out so well, so it always gives me pause.
I also have long been adamant that I did not want children, and am swiftly moving out of any semblance of childbearing age. But I have no regrets, because my reasons for not wanting children remain the same as ever.
If your biological clock is starting to tick… review your old reasons for not wanting kids. Maybe they are no longer valid. Just be sure you want the kids for the right reasons.
Babies used to freak me out (crying, puking, etc) and now they don’t at all. I must have just grown up.
Plus, I wanted my education and career and now I have that as well.
What a beautiful story. You and your husband followed your heart and persevered until you had that new baby boy at 42. Now your family is complete, just as you had imagined.
Good luck to you and your beloved. They are lucky to have you.
I had my 4th and last child at the age of 37. I felt ancient, old, how could I be having another baby? I had just sent my youngest to kindergarten and my days were free to go back to school as I had planned. The new pregnancy was devastating. It took me weeks to accept it but I could not see myself having an abortion even though my husband told me we would do whatever I wanted. Our marraige was not going well and I envisioned finishing school and starting out on my own again. But, with a new baby it would not be possible.
We had the baby. It was an easy pregnancy and birth. And she turned out to be the easiest of our children to raise. She will soon turn 20 and we were both marveling at how we never even had to raise our voice to her about anything. She turned out to be a focused overachiever. A few days ago I told him that she was our gift. She kept us together thru the storms our marriage encountered and here we are, still together.
I’m 42, and recently found out I’m going to be a "Grandma" in August.
Of course I am happy for my son and his fiance, but I must admit, and selfishly so, I don’t want to be a Grandma yet! That is a phase I am not prepared for by any stretch of the imagination.
I’m sure I’ll be more than willing to embrace the title when my grandchild actually arrives, but I still can’t help but feel, I’m too young for this!
I did something similar. I got remarried when my daughter was 16. My husband and I decided to have a baby when she was 17. I now have an 18 year old and a 1 year old. My husbands friends told him that I was having "empty nest syndrome". I’m not sure if that’s real, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
My 1 year old is more of a handfull then my 18 year old ever was, but I’m in a different place in my life now. When my 18 year old was born, I was 20 years old, and poor. Very, very poor. Now I can afford anything my 1 year old needs and wants. I work hard to provide for my children. The only thing I think about sometimes is how unfair life was for my first. I could not provide as well for her. Oh well, my mid-life crisis child is happy and healthy, and she is keeping me young. I love my life!
I was in my late 30s when I had my surprise! I did not discover I was pregnant until I was about three months along since I kept having periods until then.
He is now 29 year old and 6 ft. 3 inches tall and 4 1/2 years younger than his other two brothers. Though we had talked about having a third we had not made the decision to actually start trying, but I would not change anything because he is so special - and has always been.