02/04/2010 1:00 am
Life
5 Traits in a Mate That Are Not Deal Breakers, by Lori Gottlieb
The author of a provocative new book reveals why you're wrong about Mr. Right.
Lori Gottlieb/Photo by Leigh Manacher
Editor’s Note: Lori Gottlieb, a frequent commentator for NPR, is the author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, just published by Dutton. Her memoir, Stick Figure, was a national bestseller.
A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I’d come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won’t matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.
I’ve never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn’t!) – but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we’re more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte – I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.
Click the play button below to watch Gottlieb on the "Today Show":
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In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn’t). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he’s not The One:
1. His height. Let me say upfront that I’m 5’2". With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5’9" (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6’0"). But one expert explained how limiting this was: "Let’s say there’s a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who’s 5’9". That’s a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There’s probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who’s 5’4" – but there’s a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, "You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with" – even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who’s unkind. There’s a 100 percent chance you won’t want to be with him. So I’m saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?"
2. His Match.com profile. A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn’t get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that "there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person." Moreover, he added, don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, "is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like."
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Thanks for a great article, Lori. And you are right on about this! Where were you when I was young and completely clueless? As I stated on another thread recently, I once broke up with a guy, many years ago, because he was too nice. (I was young and stupid, and going thru my "I like bad boys" phase.) Sometimes we look for Mr. Perfect instead of Mr. Right. And we end up with Mr. Wrong.
I think we make our list of ‘requirements’ before we even have any clue as to what the general male population is like. The media tends not to show us ‘real men’ and ‘regular guys’ and those are the ones we end up in relationships with.
As a college student, I remember thinking that I would never have anything to do with a guy who wore Old Spice because that was my father’s aftershave. Well, guess what? I married a man who is referred to by his brother’s wife as ‘the nicest man I know’ and when we go out he wears Old Spice - so glad I got over one of my original deal-breakers!
I’ve never been a fan of the idea of "settling" when it came to something as serious as marriage — quite honestly, I think the reason the divorce rate is so high is because many people do "settle" rather than wait for the right person.
Hi Chrome Toe — perhaps this author didn’t mean it in a literal sense, but this idea of "settling" has been floated before and I find it bad advice. I’ve tried to "settle" before, thinking I could make something work — in hindsight, it was a big mistake. My soulmate found me…….we knew very quickly the connection we had…..while we have our "moments" — essentially, the relationship is very easy, not a lot of work. I think if one has not experienced that kind of connection……they may be more open to settling, certainly I was.
A funny thing I have found about "attraction" — I think when you care about someone on the inside, they become more and more physically attractive to you on the outside. =)
I also had to laugh at #1. I’m 5’11" and was taller than my husband than we met (in high school). He hit a growth spurt when we graduated and now he’s a couple inches taller than me. But it never bothered me when I was taller than him because my Mom is my height and my Dad is about 5’8". And they’ve been married 30 years! I guess it just shows that even if something doesn’t look "picture perfect" it can still work!
And this is an example of one of those articles that gives me pause.
I have only had a handful of committed relationships in my life, literally. I have dated MANY men who I considered to be "my type" but only fell in love and became committed to men who were not. And given the fact I am single today is testimony that those relationships didn’t work.
I now believe I should have stuck to "my type" instead of falling for men who were each diametrically different. I am a hypocrite in many ways. I abhor women who are cougars. I don’t understand how a woman could be drawn to a man who is half her age, even 10 years younger than herself. Yet I am not attracted to men under the age of 50 and will not date men younger than 50. I have had men 10,15 even 20 years older than myself ask me out and I eagerly say yes. But a man my age or younger, they are a complete turn off.
Age, height, occupation may all seem like superficial issues to harp on, but for some women they are important. I love politics and politicians, far more than most people do. But I wouldn’t date a politician. Why? Because there are certain professions I have claimed as "off base" for me. I say in all honesty looks are not an important factor because I see extreme beauty in men that most women see as average. I had said at one time I found Dick Cheney really handsome. I meant that, I wasn’t kidding. I don’t agree with his politics or moral compass, but physically I was attracted to him. Not many women will admit to that. :-D
I say it is important to know your "type" of guy and stick to dating him. When you second guess yourself and begin to make exceptions, take away this from your list and that, compromise, that is when you run into trouble. That is when you end up committed to someone who you are like oil to water. Honesty, a sense of humor, someone who is articulate and self assured, these are the important traits for any man I want to commit to. I’m not about to trade honesty for someone who is a great lover, or a sense of humor for someone who is well read.
Nope. my life and history have shown me certain attributes should not be compromised. Because in the end I am left feeling like I have connected myself to someone who isn’t what I truly want.