05/11/2010 12:00 am
Life
Getting Him to Sign a Prenup
How to get your future hubby to sign a prenuptial agreement -- and why it's important.
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Traditionally, in exchange for getting to dress up in a fancy white gown and walk down the aisle to become Mrs. Him, it was the doting bride who was asked to sign a prenuptial agreement, considered by many to be a skittish groom’s James Bond-like marital ejector seat. If he wanted out, the prenup easily and elegantly allowed him to bail from the wreckage with his satchel full of money intact. But these days women are frequently coming into marriages with more than their loving — if less financially secure — grooms. Across the United States, 22 percent of wives are out-earning their husbands, which means the assets in need of greater protection are those swaddled in white tulle.
A prenup is not an out-clause or a backup plan; it’s a contract just as marriage itself is a contract. It’s nothing more than a set of papers designed to protect separate property, clarify assets if you have children and act as a tool for estate planning, particularly if a party comes into the marriage with significant wealth, including real estate, funded retirement plans or stock options. It can also guarantee that children from previous relationships retain certain claims to the estate.
Considering what’s at stake, getting a prenup certainly sounds like a smart idea, doesn’t it? According to a Harris Interactive survey of over 2,300 adults, 33 percent of respondents said prenups made good financial sense. But guess how many people actually have one?
| This is not something to spring on your betrothed as you're walking down the aisle. |
Three percent!
People shy away from the subject of a prenup because it’s an uncomfortable topic to broach, mixing two big F-words: fidelity and finances. As we’re all aware, finances are frequently a source of concern in marriages, but before you get hitched, you need to have very honest conversations about financial expectations.
One way to begin a discussion is by saying something like, "I want to talk about what we have now, what our goals are for this marriage and make decisions now about ownership of that property to make sure we’re on the same page in the event things don’t go as planned."
Once you’ve started talking, there are certain key questions that you’ll want to raise and include when drawing up the document:
- How will property be transferred?
- Who will own the appreciation and depreciation of assets?
- Who will keep the house?
- What’s the status of money or property inherited by one spouse during the marriage?
- What’s the disposition of disability, pension or life insurance policies in the event of death or divorce?
Of course, there are also probably a lot of little items that you’d like to contractually bind Mr. You to before you tie the knot. Wouldn’t it be great to mandate that he picks up his socks? Or how about simply making him pay if he doesn’t put the damn toilet seat down? Well, we’re sorry to say that no judge will sit in your living room to call him on the carpet for poor bathroom etiquette. Nor will the courts allow you to define how much sex you should be getting in the marriage because that makes it seem like you’re drawing up a contract for prostitution. However, for a future spouse concerned that his or her partner will turn out to be less like a tiger than a cheetah, you can include a "bad boy" or "bad girl" clause, which requires the no-goodnik to pay a financial penalty if the marriage busts up because of the affair.
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12 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
When prenups first came on the scene, I was all for them. I always believed it was a smart and savvy way for men and women to protect their assets. However, now that I work for a divorce firm and see the VAST amount of people who had their spouses sign a prenup and still get hosed, I no longer see the power in them.
Maybe it is different on the East and West coasts, but from my vantage point they are all but useless. It’s either that or our senior attorney is the best family law attorney in the country! :-) I see far too many accomplished men with high assets end up giving millions to women who are not deserving, and in almost all instances there was a prenup involved.
Belinda,
Being a person whose done court work forever as well… I’d venture a guess that since prenups are not super common, that they are often not written well. Like everything else in the law you have to be an expert often times on that "specific" thing. I would bet that most prenups are written by people who have only seen or done a few in their career and therefore don’t hold up legally. That’s just a guess but an educated one. If I were having a prenup I would find an attorney that specializes if there is such a thing. I’m guessing there is in LA ha ha!
But I’d also guess that prenups are super difficult to make iron clad because relationships and marriages are so individual and can have so many extenuating circumstances. Like for example… when i married my husband he had a business. And he’d always been a very high income earner. At the time I never had a single thing to do with our business and could barely tell you how the money was made. Then about 4 years into it we had a crisis in the company and long long story short I was tapped to solve it! I’m a good problem solver. So I spent the next year solving a problem that could have destroyed us and another 6 months babysitting it before I left for my own thing again. Now if we’d had a prenup that protected his business and earnings when we got together, I would guess that my involvement would have somehow null and voided the prenup. You know? Marriages and relationships are complex. It would be very very hard to develop a prenup that covered all the potential variables.
With that said I’m still a believer in them. Had my husband asked me to sign one I’d have thought nothing of it.
Oh trust me Chrome, you and I are of the same mindset, because if I was asked to sign one, I would. But, that doesn’t dismiss the fact they aren’t of any great protection if the intention of the party suggesting one is to protect assets, it probably isn’t going to work. And primarily for the reasons you offer up. Marriages are each unique and complex.
I don’t know, I have a problem with men or women who believe that just because they put in X amount of years with a person, they are due half (if not more) of what their spouse is worth. For those who were an active partner in their spouse developing those monies, I would say "Hell yes" they deserve a fair share of the earnings. But for many who (and keep in mind I am basing this off of my vantage point) who married someone of wealth, sat on their butts and enjoyed a cushy life, then when it was over, turned around with their hands out….I just see that as wrong.
First let me say that I have been married with and without a pre-nup (take note of my username and it will tell the tale)
My o’ my what I have learned. I met number one when I was in college. He was the quintessential bad boy and 10 years my senior. I married him when I was 20 and by 26 I had outgrown him. (that’s what happens when 18 meets 28 I suppose) During that time I came into money courtesy of an auto accident that had occurred prior to our meeting. That money paid downpayments on several houses, took care of his credit card debts and furnished a house (with much of it set aside in case of emergency) I was a very responsible 20 year old and when I asked for a divorce he proved to be the gentleman that I knew he was. (that was 1990)
The 90’s brought me number two (and that he was J)) I met him at work, again ten years my senior, this time the groom was coming out of a marriage and had two young children and a very angry ex-wife. What I felt I was missing with spouse one was a sense of ‘family’ among other things. Number #2 came with a family. He moved into a house I owned, having left his doctor wife who ‘didn’t understand him’ and at 26 years old I believed him. Fortunately I was savvy enough to request a pre-nup, (knowing that in a worse case scenario, if he passed away I may end up owning the home that we lived in shared with his children and their Mom as executor) he declined…foolishly I agreed to living without one. After 5 years of living together I foolishly requested/demanded marriage. And once again requested a pre-nup. Once again he waffled (10 days prior to the wedding) and said ‘what if we split up, then I’ll get nothing’ (attention: this should have been a sign!) This time I insisted that we have one and thank goodness. Within 18 months I found that he was sleeping with one of our co-workers and sent him packing.
And now this next decade…we have been together for 8 years (this the witching hour for me based on the previous marriages) and I can say without question that #3 and I have been through more together than the other two combined. And we remain strong J and without a pre-nup. In all three cases I have brought more to the party.
By plan we have chosen to concentrate on furbabies and not human babies.
Based upon my personal experience I sense that if a pre-nup is needed, you need to pay more attention to what your gut is saying. My gut trusted in #1 and #3 and recognized early that #2 was a snake. (I’m still angry at myself for the lack of judgement I had at that time in my life. I hope that in the future I can forgive myself)
That’ll be .02 J
Let me qualify…’more’ economically. 1,2 and 3 brought what I needed at that point in time
#1 escape my family particularly mom
#2 create family (see any polarities??)
#3 escape mother (woohoo!! I moved to the US and the parents are not well enough to travel from Canada to NY without health insurance) Yay, what an effective plan. ;-) (shame on me)
Vicki I completely agree however how’s this for an idea…given that you’re dealing with business it’s fiscally responsible to get a ‘corporate’ lawyer involved.
When in doubt put everything to your daughter in the name of the company. There has to be a way. This way no offense can be taken, you and hubster are taking care of biz.
I have always thought I would do two things if I’d ever married. 1. Keep my own last name & 2. Get him to sign a pre-nup.
#2 had more to do with their salaries (usually less than mine) than mine (good but not great) than the quality of man I dated .