Margo Howard Takes a Page from Bristol Palin’s Book Proposal

courtesy ABC

When news broke this week that Sarah Palin’s eldest daughter may not be writing the memoir that was supposed to be out this summer, Margo Howard imagined how the proposal for the project might have read

I was born at an early age … to a Mama Grizzly. (Just kidding)

I basically raised Trooper and Pooper and the other kids, because my mom liked to like watching Bridal TV.

My mom gets a job! She becomes mayor of Wasilla, making her the boss of 10,000 people.

I’m still raising the other kids because she’s now busy running Wasilla. (Into the ground. Only kidding.) Then she becomes Governor! (Dad’s really telling her what to do.)

High school hormones kick in. Levi Johnson and I can’t help ourselves.

Whoops. Gonna be a new baby in the family. Mine. (Lotta screaming. Mom’s.)

My mother is picked by a Sen. McClaine (or something) to run as VP. We can hardly believe it. Life changes A LOT. Some committee is letting us all go to Neiman-Marcus and buy whatever we want. Mom is into Italian stuff. Armani? She said one jacket she picked out cost what her clothing allowance was for the previous year.

We go to the R. convention and are told by Mom that Levi and I are to hold hands ALL THE TIME in case the TV cameras are on us and my baby bump.

When the baby comes, I become a spokesman for teenage abstinence. It was my mom’s idea.

Levi is a total two-timer. DONE with him. Then he poses naked in a magazine and Mom goes ripshit. He’s in Hollywood, probably doing it with everybody.

I am asked to be on “Dancing With the Stars.” (Mom can get all her Tea Party folks to vote a zillion times.) It is nice to get away from her and go rehearse for weeks and weeks in California.

What with money from “Dancing” and Mom’s sudden windfall, I buy a house in Arizona. Phew. On my own at last. (No Mom and no little kids – except Tripp.)

I agree to be on the First Lady’s Panel for kids about nutrition, or whatever, and Mom stops talking to me. Phew.

I am so happy to be asked to write a book. I know someone will have to help me. After all, I am only 20.

The end.

52 comments so far.

  1. avatar Baby Snooks says:

    Normally I would say I hope I don’t offend anyone but in this case I will say I hope I offend everyone when I say that the Palins, and the Palinites, are a sad reflection of how ”dumbed-down” America has become.  The fog index, which I doubt the few journalists still around even bother with out of fear, was at one point indicative of the majority of Americans having the average intelligence of a 12th grade student.  I could try to be polite about it and say that at this point it is indicative of the majority of Americans having the average intelligence of a pre-kindergerten student but my observation of the “American Discourse” of  late indicates it is “pre-natal” if not “pre-conception.” We seem as a society to have returned to the primordial mud. 

    • avatar Anais P says:

      Isn’t “returning to the primordial mud” the truth? I was raised by children of immigrants, all of whom revered working hard in school and gaining the highest degree of education one could. My parents could quote from Shakespeare, read magazine stories on space discoveries and exotic countries and understand and appreciate it all with only had high school diplomas. Now a certain portion of the population denigrates education, “elitism” and anyone who likes arugula and Dijon mustard. And Bristol is considering running for PRESIDENT? With a GED certificate and only 20 or so  years, she is not only not qualified educationally but does not even know you must be 35 years old, according to the U.S. Constitution, which she obviously has not read. It is sad to see what has become of the educational system that produced my parents. Dumbed-down America wants to rule us all. Thanks, Margo, for a great satire, which apparently some people no longer understand. I guess they don’t teach “A Modest Proposal” in English class anymore!

    • avatar Lila says:

      It is truly frightening.  Are you sure we still have primordial mud?  Because I haven’t even seen a decent protein molecule around here in a while.

  2. avatar Mary says:

    It is great that the woodland family gives us so much entertainment and comedy.  Memoirs at 20 is a comedy within itself.  What?  Maybe a coloring book with crayons?  How we ripped off America?  Lessons on how to be a teenage mother and survive?  How I cannot dance but managed to come in third?  How to be a speaker when you cannot speak English?  You too can be a unwed mother and have a country watching you AND make money too?  It is endless.

    How to Trademark your name?  OK, I give……………………I think realy it is grab what you can while you still can.  You have to hand it to the Frontier Family, they know how to make money being stupid and they count on the stupid paying them for it all.

    • avatar Briana Baran says:

      Justin Beiber has an autobiography. I saw it the other day while perusing the book aisle looking for something actually interesting to read. It wasn’t very thick, but, much as darling Justin’s popularity baffles me (and would have bemused me even at the age of, say, twelve), I’m certain that his book is more substantive, and less a lesson for young abusers of the system, and the socially retarded, than anything a Palin spawn could produce.

      • avatar darlean washington says:

        If his popularity has you baffled, by all means log into Youtube and find videos of him drumming.  Whether we like it or not, the young man has a great amount of musical talent.
        He’s here to stay.
        Unless he starts dating Bristol.
         

  3. avatar Lepidopter Phoenyx says:

    I’m trying to figure out who would actually buy a copy of Bristol Palin’s memoirs if she did manage to construct enough coherent sentences to fill a book longer than “Hop on Pop.”

    • avatar Briana Baran says:

      My sons loved Hop on Pop…right up until they turned five or so…which might be an indicator for Bristol’s mental age. Also, she’d have to actually produce rhymes to match Dr. Seuss’ quality…and I think she might get bogged down beyond “moon-June” and “love-dove”.

  4. avatar jamie spence says:

    I love Margo. I can’t tell you how much admiration I have for the woman. That said, I am hugely disappointed right now. This little essay is beneath her.

    • avatar BeanCounter says:

      wow.   exactly what I was thinking.   This piece and the one about Oprah show a haughtiness, and a snide mean-spiritedness that I would never imagine from her.   so sad.  :(

  5. avatar Maggie W says:

    Thanks for the morning smile, Liz!  Clever!   Also, I love Mary’s last sentence….. perfect

    Perhaps the Palin clan decided to pull back on Bristol’s foray into the literary world when Costco tried to return 1000 of Sarah’s second book to the publisher. There was also the problem with all those little rubber bracelets that went with the sale of a book.   Sarah’s numbers were declining even further after her “blood libel” nonsense, but the Palins are cage fighters.  Like Lohan and Sheen, they may be down but never count them out.

  6. avatar Heidi W says:

    LOL, Margo!!!  Oh boy, now you are really going to have them coming out of the woodwork, put on your helmet!  :o )

  7. avatar af-tx says:

    Margo’s article on her efforts to reveal Oprah’s big surprise and now this is something I expect to read from Perez Hilton. I am extremely disappointed. 

  8. avatar Lizzie R. says:

    Oh, there is hope yet if she is not going to write what was supposed to be a 300pg book. I was wondering how she could manage to pull off that many pages, but it probably would have been easy since they do love to show off and talk about themselves. Go to Amazon and see how many books there are on Sarah Palin. It’s amazing, but I think many of them are not kindly toward her.I have been thinkig of her becoming president and moving that family into the White House. It would be worse than “The Beverly Hillbillies” and every day could become a topic for a sitcom. Never fear, now that Bristol has become the famous Palin kid we will hear from her again. Can we wait for that?

  9. avatar Grace OMalley says:

    I agree with Jamie Spence’s comments.  While I have always enjoyed reading Margo’s column, this kind of low rent commentary is something I would never have expected to see coming from her.  As someone who purports to champion ALL women, this sounds like the amateur ramblings of a high schooler. 

    • avatar Margo Howard says:

      Grace — whoever said I championed ALL women? Only thre worthy ones that I respect, dear. I think the kid is unfortunate, and I cannot STAND her mother, to name just two. The piece was satire, by the way.

    • avatar Briana Baran says:

      Interesting how some people feel that if one comes biologically equipped with female reproductive apparatus, one must therefore champion all of those who were born with XX chromosomes, and a uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and a vagina, regardless of whether one agrees with any such given individual’s political, ethical, moral or religious ideologies.
       
      I have been reading Margo Howard’s column for a very long time…and I have never heard her purport to unilaterally support women simply because they are female homo sapiens. Thinking people do not blindly advocate for others based soley on gender. In the case of the adult females of the Palin family…including Bristol and Sarah, I have never heard Margo speak out in admiration of any of them. She has been admirably consistent, and given good reason based on their actions and her own experience for her disenchantment with them. The same can be said for her opinion of Oprah Winfrey.
       
      As for this current piece, apparently some skipped literature class in high school entirely, and have no notion as to what satire is. If you desire low rent commentary, please see Sarah Palin’s own version of “newsworthy” editorial on Fox News. It makes me wonder what oral skills she actually acquired while allegedly attaining that communications degree.

      • avatar Baby Snooks says:

        I have never heard Margo speak out in admiration of any of them.
        _______________________________________

        I have never heard any rational and intelligent person speak out in admiration of any of them. One friend in particular who is, well, a rabid Republican still roars over my “Backwoods Barbie” comment. She loathes Democrats. Likes, hesitantly, John McCain. But, well, god forgive me for spilling her beans, she voted for Barack Obama even though she tells everyone she voted for John McCain. The thought of Sarah Palin becoming president was, well, just too much.

        If voters were required to identify themselves as “Republican” or “Democrat” on the ballot and election results were looked at in terms of that identification, I’m afraid the Republican Party would have been extremely embarrassed in 2008.

      • avatar Lepidopter Phoenyx says:

        **One friend in particular who is, well, a rabid Republican still roars over my “Backwoods Barbie” comment. **

        At our house, she’s known as Caribou Barbie.

      • avatar Lila says:

        I have run into that expectation from time to time…. that, as a female, I should champion and mentor other females.   To that expectation I say:  pfffffttt.

  10. avatar Lila says:

    I am glad to hear that she may back off from the memoir.  I cannot imagine what a 20-year-old could possibly have to say that I would be interested in, or that younger audiences should be interested in.
     
    It concerns me that Bristol has become so celebrated at such a young age, with her main accomplishments being her family name and an unwed teen pregnancy.  I just think that sends the wrong message to young women.  “Screw up your teen years and get rich and famous.”
     
    Don’t get me wrong, I also scratch my head about the Kardashians or Paris Hilton, whose primary claims to fame are their family names and sex tapes.  Or that prostitute whatshername who got her fame from a sordid affair, and now does an advice column.  Please.

  11. avatar Jon Schweizer says:

    This reminds me of a story Roger Ebert linked to on his FB page (I don’t actually know him; just a fan). It’s a New York Times article on what minimum requirements should be met for someone to write a memoir. Needless to say Bristol doesn’t meet any of them.  Here’s a link to the story: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/books/review/Genzlinger-t.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all

  12. avatar Jane Rogers says:

    I live in Phoenix AZ and when I heard the reports that Bristol may gt a job as a radio host at a local station, I was disgusted.  One thing I can tell you is that I was, repeat, was an avid listener of that radio station.  For them to even consider a high school graduate (and barely that) for a career in radio angers me.  There are plenty of recent graduates with degrees in broadcasting that can’t find jobs.  She has no experience, no education, but because her last name is Palin she is qualified?
    I loved Margo’s article and laughed the entire time.  For those of you who can’t take a joke, well you know the rest.

  13. avatar R. Bradbury says:

    I continue to hope that the name Palin will eventually stop being considered newsworthy.  Up until the time McCain “chose” Ms. Sarah Palin to be VP, I had some admiration for him as a Vet. of Nam.  Never had any intention of voting for him however!  But after he had made his decision for VP candidate, what respect I had just up and died. The very thought that if he had been elected (without my vote) and that Sarah would have been a heart beat away from the highest office in our land was incredibly frightening.  Bristol is just another youg girl who forgot the birth control, got pregnant and decided to continue the pregnancy.  Unfortunately for her, her mother was in the spot light.  Hopefully Bristol isn’t writing a book.  As has been said above in other posts—what does she have to talk about?    Much of her last few years have been lived in the spotlight/shadow of her mom.

  14. avatar Linda Myers says:

    You would think at twenty and evidently the money to do so, higher education might cross a 20 year old mind. If Bristol is a role model in some sort or fashion for young girls -what message is this sending? I think it is sad, considering in the future when Palin is not a name which creates money, she possibly could be exactly where many young mothers are now, struggling without a huge income or large house to play with. Fantasy without any foundation for the future.

  15. avatar Anonymous K says:

    I find this “satire” mean-spirited, unnecessary, and very beneath you, Margo.  It’s safe to say none of us can claim we are the same women we were when we were 20.  Let the girl continue to mature.  If that means learning from the mistake of writing an autobiography, then so be it.  Hating her because of her mother is a poor reflection on you and quite sad.  Would you have written your piece if her mother wasn’t Sarah Palin?

    • avatar Robert Ashcroft says:

      You might have a point if Bristol were a minor or if she was choosing to live her life privately.
      But Bristol Palin is an adult and has chosen to live her life in public — Dancing with the Stars, a spokesperson for abstinence (hypocritical much?) and heaven knows what else.
      She is therefore absolutely fair game. Personally I think Bristol’s such a train wreck she’s almost beyond satire, but if Margo wants to have a shot, she’s certainly well within her rights.

      • avatar Mahulda Fite says:

        Why is it “hypocritical” for her to speak for abstinence? I would think she should be the best spokesperson.  Do you think it is hypocritical when ex junkies or ex cons who have turned their lives around talk to kids about staying away from drugs or crime? –There are programs where people like this come to schools to talk to kids to tell them what can happen if they make bad choices.

        She is the perfect candidate to preach abstinence. Obviously, abstinence works every time it’s tried.

      • avatar Baby Snooks says:

        She didn’t seem to be practicing what she is preaching when she jumped back into bed with What’s-His-Name.  Fortunately she didn’t become an unwed mother who became a wife as a result of a shotgun aimed at the unwed father who became a husband the second time. But you never know. Maybe the third time will be the charm as they say. 

        The community manager gets upset when I use the term most people use to describe the Palins. Let’s just say their “family values” leave muich to be desired. 

      • avatar Anonymous K says:

        Robert,
        I never said Margo didn’t have a right to her satirical piece.  There are many out there who already write and speak hateful diatribe; both on the left and the right.  While I expect it from them, I don’t expect it from one who normally dispenses advice with the intent on helping people.  She disappointed me as I expect more from a grown, what I thought to be mature, woman.
        I’m glad I didn’t attend high school with Margo.  God forbid she found me unworthy of her respect, “unfortunate,” or hated my mother.  I can only imagine the hell she would have unleashed under the guise of comedy or satire.

    • avatar Margo Howard says:

      Annonymous K — you write:
      Hating her because of her mother is a poor reflection on you and quite sad.  Would you have written your piece if her mother wasn’t Sarah Palin?

      I do not hate her. I think she’s sort of a nothing. And if her mother weren’t Sarah Palin, NOBODY would be writing about her.

  16. avatar K M says:

    I’m wondering how wowOwow doesn’t consider Ms. Howard’s pathetic rant a prime example of ‘internet bullying’.

    • avatar Jon Schweizer says:

      “I’m wondering how wowOwow doesn’t consider Ms. Howard’s pathetic rant a prime example of ‘internet bullying’.”
      That’s easy.  Bristol Palin has happily given numerous TV and magazine interviews, joined the cast of “Dancing with the Stars”, appeared in a public service announcement with ‘The Situation’, offers herself up for paid speaking engagements, and is planning to release a memoir about her allegedly sacred “private life.”  We’re not talking about some unknown twenty-something who is trying to live a quiet life of anonymity.  Otherwise speaking badly about Obama, George W. Bush, Charlie Sheen or Snooki in an online column would be considered “internet bullying.”

  17. avatar belladora smith says:

    I had to sign on tonight after reading this. I also have stopped coming on because of the pettiness. This is definataly a form of internet bullying. We all know what is going on….however the young lady dosnt deserve  anything but admiration. She is a beautiful individual. Margo? Years ago….in our time ….people could talk badly about one another and it would not reach our precious ears. Now its just a click away. How did you get started Margo? Come on….. 

    • avatar Margo Howard says:

      belladora — “internet bullying?” Have you ever heard the word “satire?” Some of the other posters have. You ought to seperate your love of the Palins from your literary judgment.

      In any case, to your question about how I got started: Gene Siskel, my dinner partner at a party in the late 60s, said he found me a great conversationalist and asked if I wrote. I said I didn’t know – because I’d never really tried. In fact, I’d never had a job. I was 28. He asked if he had his editor call me, would I talk with him? I said sure. I had the meeting, the Chicago Tribune’s feature editor, Walter Simmons, asked to see one thing I had written. And I had only written one thing! I was a Playboy bunny for three days and wrote about it. He bought the piece, said “You will work for me,” and made me a star. Within six months there was a syndicate fight for my services. That’s how I got started.

      • avatar Baby Snooks says:

        I never knew you were a Playboy bunny. Fascinating. No doubt you joined Gloria Steinhem on Hugh Hefner’s list of favorite bunnies. 

      • avatar belladora smith says:

        Margo, yes Ive heard of satire. In that regard, I apoligize. It was dead on. Im not a Palin lover, just over sensitive in regard to our young people. Thankyou for responding to my question. Take care, Bella

  18. avatar V B says:

    I put Bristol Palin in the same pigeon hole a Monica Lewinsky, famous for what went on down under.

  19. avatar Katharine Gray says:

    I guess I am just disappointed in Margo.  As the daughter of a very public figure, I would have thought she would have more compassion for a young woman who was caught up in a storm of political vitriol whose name became a household word because of who her mother happened to be.  But then of course,  Ann Landers didn’t govern a state.  Or run for Vice-President (not that she would have been a bad candidate for either).    I don’t know if Bristol Palin planned a *memoir* or if she planned a book for teens to warn them against unwed motherhood.  The latter would not be a bad thing.  Maybe she planned to write a book about her famous mother. 
    Admittedly, she doesn’t have a college degree and there is no reason to think she can write a sentence but the same can be said for others who wrote books about famous mothers.  And little else unless they made sure that everyone knew who their famous mother was.  Or got jobs on major metorpolitian papers without a journalism degree because of their mother’s influence. 
      
    Over the past 2 years there have been a lot of people who have glommed onto the Palin stories to make a buck.  Most of whom hate Sarah Palin and think she is a joke.  Ok, that is fair.  If you use the Palins to make a story, then don’t blame the Palins if they use the story you made to make their own story. 

    As I hear the responses *She went on Dancing with the Stars* blah blah blah.   So what?  She is not the first and won’t be the last daughter of a famous woman to earn some money on her mother’s fame.  Margo, included.      

    • avatar Margo Howard says:

      Katherine Gray – re your post: <She is not the first and won’t be the last daughter of a famous woman to earn some money on her mother’s fame.  Margo, included.>

      You’ve got that a little wrong, hon. I started at the Chicgao Tribune. My mother’s paper was the Sun-Times. I had a 30 year news and magazine career before writing advice. When you’re writing for national magazines and newspaper syndicates, no one really gives a rat’s ass whose kid you are. Sorry – better luck next time in the insult department.

  20. avatar darlean washington says:

    I do not see Bristol Palin maturing as we’d like to think because of one very particular point — she could not withstand the urge to have sex and now she is telling others that’s exactly what they should do.
     
    It always baffled me how people became blind or hypocritical, and I was saddened to find out that this is how is begins.  I was rooting for Bristol.  It must have been hard to become pregnant at that age, especially when her mother was such a public figure.  Her mother, who didn’t even know that she was having sex, never thought to talk to her daughter about sex, let alone make sure that she had protection.
     
    So, this child, who had a poor female role model, grew up in a public eye, and stood up to much criticism.  And just when I began to like her, I get to hear how she now preaches against sex when she was unable to control herself.  She preaches abstinence when she herself was one of that myth’s victims.
     
    At this point I think Bristol has put out enough harsh attitude on her Twitter and has committed enough adult hypocrisy that she can handle a little ribbing, via Margo.
     
     
     
     

  21. avatar Baby Snooks says:

    Tough room. But then it always is whenever Margo dares to not only “speak her mind” but manages to hit the proverbial nail on the head. 

  22. avatar Tee Zee says:

    Thanks Margo, for the best laugh of the week!

  23. avatar Sally K says:

    Haven’t been by this site in a while. Glad I came back today.  Good one, Margo.  Enjoyed it a lot.

  24. avatar SrNanny says:

    What wonderful satire.  It’s a pity the ‘dumbing down of America’ is making it’s way to Canada, but at a slower pace, thank goodness.  We don’t need our countries to be lagging in education.  I can’t believe that some professors are advocating acceptance of essays written in texting language!  Is that happening in the U.S.?

  25. avatar Anonymous K says:

    I guess I will beat the poor dead horse one last time.  If you think she’s ”sort of a nothing,” then why did you bother writing the piece?  Why not pick on someone your own (brain/life-experience) size?  She’s young and ignorant.  What’s your excuse?