Indeed, what is forgotten is that in the 1950s we did not have access to differerent kinds of contraception, and a post-war economy proved a financial  challenge for young families. However, as an only child, I always knew that I would have 2 or more children, but I also wanted a college education, and a career, and I was not interested in marriage as an immediate goal.

 But, of course, timing is everything, isn’t it? I went to work after graduating from high school, became completely independent at 21, and  worked at office jobs while attending evening classes.  Most men I met were not prospective spouses until I met one whose children I wanted to bear, but not right away.My contemporaries had married early, began searching for their perfect husband, their first house, lawn, garage, and men worked to support the home while their wives  remained at home tending the children and the garden. That was never my goal though I am domestic, can bake, sew,cook entertain, paint rooms, and enjoyed taking care of my chidlre who are 5 1/2 years apart—but despite all those tasks, I managed, whenever possible, to attend college, as well as to be the hostess with the mostess.

I was 25 when I had my son, and that does not seem old in today’s terms, but back then, my contemporaries had their children earlier.When my son was weaned at 8 months,  I had to take a night job because money was very short, and when he was 3 I placed him in a nursery school, very expensive, to help support the home. Eventually, I was able to quit my job to return to college and to be with my son, but instead, I discovered I was pregnant. So,for 2nd  time in my life, I remained at home until my daghter was six, and I earned a B.A., and realized that teaching would be a good solution to earn a living and to be with my children when they came home from school. And, again, I continued studying to earn a Master’s and a doctorate, and continued teaching until I retired in 1995—then, too, I continued teaching part time at 2 colleges, and eventally quit to travel.

 My goal of being self-supporting influenced me throughout my adult life, and I was always involved in our financial issues; most of the women I knew at that time left the finances to their spouses, for better or for worse. Also, working women were criticized by their peers, because there was a Ladies’ Home Journal culture which aimed at stay-at-home mothers. But I had energy, curiosity about the world, and felt equal to any spouse, except that I knew that I did not want to be the sole parent of dependent children.

Betty Friedan’s message of replacing domestic sadness with work was irrelevant to me, for my immigrant mother had worked alongside  my father in our store, and she was a better role model (though I didn’t realize it at the time). If I were forced to return to work similar to those early jobs, I would have felt cheated and angry. Instead, I discovered my metier, and could contribute to paying for my children’s education, as well as remain self-supporting to this day. 

The prevailing culture of the 1950s was carved in concrete, and like an anthropoligist, I observe younger generations of men and women, both fully involved in child rearing, household matters (though  I know it is not eqitable, as yet), and making decisions as partners. The 1950s were very different, and it was the generation of breadwinner and dependents—something irritating and insulting to me.

My goals of having children, gaining an education, and finding a vocation were reached, but required long hours, improvising, because I had no supportive family or community, and taking charge of who I was, though married, was essential. And, of course, marriage required nurturing skills and coping with a male ego resolute in  his agenda which meant no involvement in the mundane problems of family life. And, I would never    claim that there is a direct correlation of an at-home mother and happy child. 

I am still sensitive to the tone of those women who write about remaining at-home mothers until their children grew up, or those  who never worked outside of the home; there is a pervasive tone of superiority and smugness, as though we working mothers cheated our children. Income, status, class, the presence of supportive people, cooperation between spouses, and with the help of  kind grandparents eased the pressures for many; in my case, I had to invent my own way, not always sure whether everyone was satisfied. And, I also realize that my children’s generation and now the youngest to enter the labor force and family life face very complicated challenges. The cliche: "Each to his/her own," is a truism.

There was always " the plan."  After I finshed my first degree, I took off for three months and traveled.  Then I came home and started graduate work.  We both knew we would not marry until we had degrees in hand and job offers on the table.  And there was certainly no thought of children when I was 23 and still exploring options.  

 At that time, there were job offers for college grads.  I don’t remember any of my friends or family having trouble finding jobs.  Now, it saddens me to know that so many college grads are saddled with big loans and no job in sight. 

The older I get, the more I realize I was born during the right decade.

It was important to my husband and I that one of us - he or I - be able to stay home with a child.   We live in a very expensive part of the country and that opportunity just never presented itself.  So, at 45 that ship has pretty much sailed.

I am so blessed that I always knew I never wanted to start my own family. I  have so many people in my life that have children not by choice…but chance. A night of unprotected sex, heat of the moment passion without a condom, even rape. But for me I always knew I never wanted to give birth. I never wanted to be responsible for raising a human being. I knew and recognize, I am selfish.

I am independent and on a lazy Saturday night if I want to get up and go to the movies out of the blue, I can. If I want to go out for drinks and a comedy club, or art museum or theater in the spur of the moment, I can. I can travel and do what I want, when I want and I love it.  And even though I came close but dodged ending up married, I too am glad I am not married for all of the same reasons I never wanted a child.

But my biggest regret is not succeeding in the line of business I truly want to be in. I can counsel others all day long about going for it and living to the fullest of your capacity, and yet I continue to settle. I’m taking small steps in terms of making career changes, but for the most part I am settling.  That I regret.

Technically I "took time off". What actually happened was that both my husband and I needed to finish the college we’d started. Because we had a 2 year old, I stayed home with her in the day and went to school in the evenings. During the day I’d run our home and do my studies with my toddler playing around my feet, and when my husband came home, I’d take our one car and go to class until 10PM while he cared for our child.

When I graduated, we reversed the roles. I went to work full-time and he did the school thing. He took up many home duties and became the parent who took her to the doctor! 

We worked together to make sure we both finished school, got great jobs, and never had to put our daughter in day-care. It requred a lot of material sacrifices (we never had much fun money, shared a car for years, and had short three day vacations), but we made it work. We are a very tightly knit, happy family.

actually, upon further reflection, and I could do it over again, I would offer this advice to women thinking of having babies and whether to work:

It’s actually easier to work full-time while thye are little - they go to daycare, they are in one happy spot all day - this is the time to work, and then, when they get into school, start shaving your work hours to their school hours because this is when it gets tricky for their after school activities and being home alone too much - and then, in high school, believe me, you will be so exhausted emotionally from your teenagers you will be happy to just get out of bed in the morning let alone have a high power job - this is when you go to 20 hours a week - then when they get into college, go back to full time

I have 3 kids, (girl) 16, (girl) 10 and (boy) 4 - my 4 yo takes less energy from me than my 16 yo and my  husband and I are always juggling schedules for my 10 yo’s schedule - he is part time right now and it’s the only way it can work

for example, today, I am spent from an argument with my 16 yo last night of how much time she is spending with her boyfriend, that I need to know where she is and that’s not a crazy thing for a parent to know, that she needs to be home at 10 PM on worknights, blah blah blah…

back to work…really, work hard when they are young and you are young so that you will earn the right to ask for part-time hours when they are older and you are older…

I must say, I was very heartened to see the "never wanted a family" bar stretch out to 25%.  I’ve lived in some rather diverse places, where cultural values varied from very traditional to ultra-liberal, but throughout my life I’ve known very few women who, like me, chose not to have children. 

The only difficult thing I ever found about this choice was having to deal with people who thought they’re entitled to pass judgment on those of us who said no to motherhood, as if there’s something terribly wrong or morally corrupt about a woman who chooses not to have kids. 

Having a child — or not — defines some of the things you may or may not do with your life.  You travel more, you travel less, you work hard at home or hard at the office…  It says little or nothing about your character.  Whether your nature is to be kind or cruel, you’ll be that person with or without kids.