Conversation | 07/29/2009 11:00 am
The wOw Conversation: The Ins, Outs, Dos and Don’ts of Giving and Receiving … Money
Lesley Stahl, Sheila Nevins and Joni Evans on the new rules of money lending.
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LESLEY: Let’s talk about borrowing and lending money. Just coincidentally this morning I was talking to a friend, a wealthy friend, who says that she has been inundated with people asking if she would lend them some money. And it’s extremely trying. First, it’s obviously painful to have to ask for money, and then if you’re the person being asked, what do you do?
SHEILA: Doesn’t it depend how much, whether it would make a difference? If somebody that was leaving HBO asked me for a thousand dollars, and he needed money for this trip, that is easy, but if he’d asked me for ten thousand dollars I don’t think I would ever give it to him. I don’t expect to get it back. I think if you give someone money, you can’t expect to get it back.
LESLEY: You kind of have to write it off.
SHEILA: Yes. You have to, and you have to, economically, be able to write it off.
LESLEY: Yes.
JONI: It changes the relationship.
LESLEY: Inevitably. I think it almost always changes the relationship.
JONI: Which is often painful.
LESLEY: I think if you turn to a friend and ask for money, you have to assume that the relationship will never be the same.
SHEILA: That’s right.
LESLEY: So be careful who you ask.
SHEILA: What if your kid asks you for money?
LESLEY: That’s totally different, don’t you think?
SHEILA: Yes.
JONI: But I have found the best way to deal with somebody who’s in real need, pained, and you know that he or she is going to ask for money – say something like, "I can only afford X," you know whether it be $500 or $1000, "and I can only do it once. This is the one time. And I’m delighted I’m able to do it." If you can put a limit on it and explain it’s only this once, you have a chance at keeping the relationship.
SHEILA: Have you been asked for money, Joni?
JONI: Oh, many a time.
SHEILA: Really?
JONI: And in reverse, if I needed to ask for money – and there have been times early in my life where I did – I’d do it the same way, which is to say, "I just need this." In that case I always paid back. But if you can put restrictions around it, rules around it, you can survive it.
SHEILA: Well, I think you have to make clear whether it’s a loan or a gift.
JONI: Right.
SHEILA: And then how much it is depends on the circumstance. I’ve never really been asked for a large sum of money, so I don’t I know how I would react.
LESLEY: I can’t imagine what the person who has to go to a friend –
SHEILA: How horrifying.
LESLEY: To have to ask for money – the humiliation, the implied failure that they’re confessing, in a way; just the terrible fear that they must have that you’ll reject them.
SHEILA: Yes.
LESLEY: Or that you will condescend to them. I can’t think of many things that are harder to do. And then, again, if you don’t respond generously, if you can afford to, how you’re going to end up feeling about yourself.
SHEILA: Yes.
JONI: I’ve only had to ask for money from my family once, and it was really for an investment. But it didn’t pan out.
LESLEY: Oh. Did you ever pay them back?
JONI: I did. I absolutely did. I mean, I had such a generous family. I shouldn’t make a thing out of it, but wanting something so badly that you ask for it, you need to put down conditions, rules, everything around it. I did that and it made it so much easier.
SHEILA: Doesn’t it depend how much, whether it would make a difference? If somebody that was leaving HBO asked me for a thousand dollars, and he needed money for this trip, that is easy, but if he’d asked me for ten thousand dollars I don’t think I would ever give it to him. I don’t expect to get it back. I think if you give someone money, you can’t expect to get it back.
LESLEY: You kind of have to write it off.
SHEILA: Yes. You have to, and you have to, economically, be able to write it off.
LESLEY: Yes.
JONI: It changes the relationship.
LESLEY: Inevitably. I think it almost always changes the relationship.
JONI: Which is often painful.
LESLEY: I think if you turn to a friend and ask for money, you have to assume that the relationship will never be the same.
SHEILA: That’s right.
LESLEY: So be careful who you ask.
SHEILA: What if your kid asks you for money?
LESLEY: That’s totally different, don’t you think?
SHEILA: Yes.
JONI: But I have found the best way to deal with somebody who’s in real need, pained, and you know that he or she is going to ask for money – say something like, "I can only afford X," you know whether it be $500 or $1000, "and I can only do it once. This is the one time. And I’m delighted I’m able to do it." If you can put a limit on it and explain it’s only this once, you have a chance at keeping the relationship.
SHEILA: Have you been asked for money, Joni?
JONI: Oh, many a time.
SHEILA: Really?
JONI: And in reverse, if I needed to ask for money – and there have been times early in my life where I did – I’d do it the same way, which is to say, "I just need this." In that case I always paid back. But if you can put restrictions around it, rules around it, you can survive it.
SHEILA: Well, I think you have to make clear whether it’s a loan or a gift.
JONI: Right.
SHEILA: And then how much it is depends on the circumstance. I’ve never really been asked for a large sum of money, so I don’t I know how I would react.
LESLEY: I can’t imagine what the person who has to go to a friend –
SHEILA: How horrifying.
LESLEY: To have to ask for money – the humiliation, the implied failure that they’re confessing, in a way; just the terrible fear that they must have that you’ll reject them.
SHEILA: Yes.
LESLEY: Or that you will condescend to them. I can’t think of many things that are harder to do. And then, again, if you don’t respond generously, if you can afford to, how you’re going to end up feeling about yourself.
SHEILA: Yes.
JONI: I’ve only had to ask for money from my family once, and it was really for an investment. But it didn’t pan out.
LESLEY: Oh. Did you ever pay them back?
JONI: I did. I absolutely did. I mean, I had such a generous family. I shouldn’t make a thing out of it, but wanting something so badly that you ask for it, you need to put down conditions, rules, everything around it. I did that and it made it so much easier.
Read more about: Borrowing, Children, Culture, Family, Generosity, Lending, Lifestyle, Money, Personal finance, Relationships
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15 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
You know, after reading about the conditions, and the parameters discussed above, I would like to say this:
I think it is a good idea, and I am going to tell that to the IRS when I file my taxes this next year! I am going to tell them that this is a one-time ‘borrow’ from me, and that I can only afford this pittance—hmmm—-correction, I cannot afford to give them more than $100 this year, due to the economic turndown I have suffered….there is no one that will lend me money, as I have already, over the years, both lent my one time, and borrowed my one time, from everyone I know…….and then I will also use as explanation, my IRA and my Stock Portfolio that was dipped into by Wall Street—taking almost EVERYthing away from me—-and that the IRS should just go to them, for the rest of my tax money! Wall Street crooks ‘borrowed’ it—-get it from them!
In a real world, where there are hungry people who are also jobless…it is really difficult to NOT want to help them, even if it is more than once! Community is more than a street name.
As a former rodeo clown, homeless, unemployed and unemployable… and the NEXT Hugh Hefner, I can definitely vouch that Community is more than a street name. If not for Community, my dreams would have died long ago.
I have lots of stories to tell about this, most of them not so good. I lost a friend over money, she lied to me and it took me a year to get the money back. It was ugly. Then my stepkids have come to me, of course none of the 4 of them go to work everyday or work as hard as their dad and I so most often I will "give" them $20, or buy a bag of groceries for their kids, but that is it. I would help someone who is trying, but not someone, not even my own stepkids, who keep making the same mistakes, won’t take advice to stay out of the messes they get themselves into and won’t work hard to stop asking for handouts.
It’s been my experience that people usually lie, make the situation sound worse than it is so you feel sorry for them, and when I find out they have lied, they never get to "borrow" again. (One stepdaughter broke into our house, AFTER we hospitably let her and her son stay for awhile, and stole $150 from us. She wouldn’t speak to me for a year and never paid the money back and never apologized. Guess what, she never gets help now.) I won’t be one of those parents that keeps giving to my children until my own pocket is drained.
My pocket has been drained by my kids in various ways over the past 10 years. I signed for a credit card for my son so he could buy a laptop he just HAD to have. He only paid the card now and then and I got all the calls from the company. This has been three years now, and his bill with the card is much more than the cost of the computer in the first place. I won’t go into the saga of my ex-son-in-law, the con man, whose total dishonesty is the reason I’m living in a two room apartment with my Great Dane.
I was always the one in the family who had a credit rating above 3, so I was the "patsy." (so to speak) Now I’ve been on the asking end of loans, and it’s very very hard to do, believe me.
I have a real hard time wrapping my thoughts about asking for money, even when I do services for others that are payable. So , I just leave it in other hands. But it tends to be reciprocated in various ways.
I drive a 2005 towncar, that was given to me with one question "If you took this car, how much could you afford to pay for it? I honesty said at this time only 4000.00 for any car, and she just said that was the price she was asking. :-) I carry a Coach purse that was given from another person, my computer equipment showed up on my porch during the holidays as a thank you, etc. I just don’t ask, but I do trust that I am going to do just fine. Borrowing is born out of worry, and I choose not to worry or borrow. I just give.
I have a question about knowing that what you want to give is actually going where it’s supposed to.
Because I’m getting ready to auction a painting and thought I could link multiple charities through Giving Works and ebay.
…and I can’t
I trust local charities to actually do something for the people I’m working to help.
How do structure this so I can give something to each, and help more. …and give the art buyer the security of knowing that I will do what say will…and me the security of knowing that my art is supporting what I’m asking it support?
Thanks… Amy, PennDragon Studios
simpletownUSA.com
Here is my appreciation for this posting: successful women talking about M O N E Y as a potent factor in personal relationships, usually a taboo topic for public discourse unless it is being discussed in the framework of economics. Thank you … enjoyed the insight.
Janeann
interdisciplinaryartinstitute.com
youtube.com/user/iiaci