“I’ve got a code in my doze,” as Barbra Streisand sang in the perfectly awful, but still entertaining 1975 movie, “Funny Lady” (a dour sequel to Barbra’s classic “Funny Girl.”)
Well, Mr. wOw still has a code in his doze. Thank goodness I got my flu shot, or I feel sure I’d be writing now from heaven. (Even though I’m not a believer, I can’t see myself in hell. Not the way I sweat.)
New Year’s Eve was quiet. Just me and B. and a couple of glasses of champagne. We rang in 2012 watching CNN’s tired camp-fest — Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. So sad. I had high hopes for Mr. Cooper at one time.
I was up and down last week, even missing another day of work. But from my bed of feverish malaise I wasn’t unaware of what was going on. I kept track of the Iowa caucus results. I was extremely amused at Michelle Bachmann’s withdrawal speech — as lengthy and robotic as ever. But of all the Founding Fathers to call upon — in what we hope are her last remarks in 2012 — it was a measure of her ignorance that she mentioned Benjamin Franklin. Ben was no Christian. He was a deist. To wit: God created the universe and then just took off, having no time to deal with mere humans. He doesn’t control us, judge us, guide us. We’re on our own! Ben was also a terrible husband and father, a big philanderer and flirt. He was not a “family values’ guy. But I’m sure Ms. Bachmann has concocted some other version of American history to suit herself. Or (and this is more likely) — she’s simply an idiot. For sure she was (up until two days ago) the biggest liar on the current Republican choo-choo to the White House. I have to say, I kind of admired her resistance to telling the truth and steamrolling answers to all questions. It’s scary, but a genuine talent. Oh, and I enjoyed Newt Gingrich announcing at one point that God endowed us with the right to have guns. See? I always miss something in the Bible. It was probably tucked away in the Old Testament, in between that stuff about not eating shellfish and not wearing wool and linen together. (“Thou shall only wear linen, and carry an Uzi.”)
Which brings us to Mr. Richard Santorum, former senator from Pennsylvania. Mr. S. surged unexpectedly in Iowa. Newly flush with confidence, and before he moved to the next Republican ring of hell, New Hampshire, he gave a little speech in Sioux City. He said, at one point: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them welfare.” Oh, dear. When I heard it, my first reaction was that Mr. S. didn’t want to make black people’s lives better, period. But that’s just me. I know racism is totally dead in the U.S. I am ashamed of such a thought.
Well, what a surprise when Richard’s remark became a hot subject. Even more surprising, we got it all wrong. He didn’t say “black people.” He said “blah people.” See, he was looking out for nerds and those who suffer depression or are not terribly charismatic. People who are always kinda … blah. Blue. Down in dumps. He doesn’t want them to get welfare. Black people? He doesn’t even think about them. It’s the Blahs who concern him. Whew! I feel all warm and cozy because I am rather blah myself, a good deal of the time. I’m glad Richard will keep me off welfare. Or any other entitlement program. Who needs help after a certain point in life? Or at the beginning of life? Except if you’re a fetus. Then you get a lot of entitlements.
I’ve watched and watched and listened to Mr. S’s remark. Trying to find the black in the blah, or vice versa. Giving it about twenty runs on my computer, I’ll admit he doesn’t seem to come down hard on his k (KK). Still, there’s pronunciation. “Blah” and “Black” just don’t sound the same. But perhaps his diction is simply a little sloppy. I’m certain that’s it.
I’d like to believe Richard is looking out for us Blahs. Who else will?
Welcome to 2012!