Mr. wOw’s Big ‘Nevermind’

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A brief musing on our toxic times and fevered minds.

The other day, Mr. wOw awoke late. He rushed in and out of his shower, dashed through dabbing on his concealer (cystic acne is not fun!), threw on his clothes and headed to the big city, annoyed, nervous, sweaty (so why did I bother showering?). In his haste, Mr. wOw did not pick up the newspapers, which he reads on his bus ride.

Arriving at NYC’s Port Authority, he dashed past the newsstand, glancing briefly at the lineup of front pages. He was stopped briefly by the New York Post – his least favorite rag. There was a fabulous-looking Michelle Obama in blue, and the president. She was touching him. In the frantic blur of “damn, I’m late!” the headline registered as: “Eye Loves You.”

Mr. wOw kept on walking, but he was suddenly consumed with visions of the New York Post’s front page. “’Eye Loves you’? What, like ‘I loves you, Porgy’? What kind of racist shit is that? Haven’t the daily Elena Kagan lesbian stories been enough? This is too much! Mr. wOw must lay down the law!”

Mr. wOw has an eight block cross-town walk to work. Rarely has he walked so briskly. By the time he reached his office, he was in a towering fury. He stormed in, righteous in his Converse sneakers and hoodie. Like Salome demanding the head of the Baptist, he declared, “Bring me the New York Post!” And it was brought to him.

Well, of course he immediately saw the headline actually said, “Eye Love You.” The First Lady appeared to be brushing away a stray eyelash on the president’s cheek. Charming.

Oh. Geez. Mr. wOw almost gave himself a stroke for this? So, like Gilda Radner’s immortal newscaster, Emily Litella, he had to have his “nevermind” moment.

Mr. wOw was unnerved; grateful he hadn’t just gone off writing half-cocked, a little abashed he’d had such low thoughts, even about the New York Post, and aware, once again, how easy it is to find an enemy, in these toxic times.

When he got home and told his partner about this, he said, unhelpfully: “Well, you know ‘Eye Loves You’ is the headline they’d have liked to have printed.”

Though he’d spent the day reprimanding himself, he couldn’t disagree.

And that was pretty depressing, too.

P.S. Mr. wOw wishes Michelle would stay away from Empire waistlines.

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