LW#1: mom’s are like that, especially older ones. you can either call her more often, keep it the same or listen to her bitch. she probably feels as most mother from her time feel, that it’s up to you to prove YOUR love to her. she obviously isn’t going to change. so the ball is in your court, deal with it or not!

LW#2: i wasn’t happy when my daughter got curious about her father and even tho he had abandoned both his son and daughter when they were 8 & 9 1/2yrs old. i even had nightmares about it and my daughter was 17yrs old. but if you care about your daughter you will let him be at the party. because at least THIS way YOU control what he says and does in her presense. 

if you stop him from coming you will only push her to want to meet him more and spend more time with him just to spite you. yes your current husband is feeling hurt and unappreciated BUT she obviously wants to show her no account father she has done well. maybe she wants him to see what a good job her step father has done, or maybe she just wants to know he cares. the fact that he refuses to drive to the ceremony, but not the party is telling. he knows he will be scrutinized by other parents there as to why he is suddenly in her life. but the party he just be dad from out of town. 

tell your husband to quit being a baby about it. i had to let my ex come over to my house and it was a good thing too. my kids got to meet their half brothers and got reunited with their family. they didn’t spend much time with him, but they did keep in touch with their brothers. a truly wonderful thing. i would tell him he is welcome at the party as long as he observes the ground rules of your house, no drinking, swearing, lewd talk, bringing up the past etc. it would probably be a good idea to make sure your daughter ONLY has non-alcoholic beverages served at the party. my step son had a wonderful wedding with only sparking apple juice served instead of champayne, which made for a wonderfully sober reception. no fights, no driving drunk and no shit! 

so suck it up step father and she will see you for the best step daddy in the world. sometimes it’s best to let her see just what a fool he is. believe me you and your hubby raised her and that means she has sense and she will see him for what he is. my kids barely bothered with him after that and he died a few years later. they did not go to his funeral. have him arrested later, have the DA’s office find him later. do not embarrass your daughter by bringing the police to her party and i wouldn’t tell him the police will be there either. nothing like making your daughter hate you really fast!

LW 1: My dad is the same way (and he’s not even that old!) I have to be the one to call — unless he needs/wants something from me, or comes across something he wants to tell me about. He doesn’t call to ask how I am, what’s been going on, etc. He’ll do the birthday/Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving calls, unless I call first, but that’s it! Just accept her for who she is and either call her, or don’t expect her to call.

LW 2: Someone above said it best — after all this, he probably won’t show. If he’s been absent this long, he’ll probably stay that way, with the exception of phone calls and empty promises. Although I would tend to agree with your current husband — if he shows up, just call the cops. You warned him not to come (it is YOUR house after all, not Laura’s, she lives there because she is YOUR daughter), and he is trepassing. Laura may be angry, but she may also have invited him because she felt like she should/had to/etc.

Just my opinions!

for the first post - be damn glad your mother is still alive to call.  I would give my left arm and right leg and anything else to be able to talk to my Mom - and it would be on any terms that she dictated - she died at the age of 56 - way too young - so just be glad you have here and quit your crabbing about it

as far as the second letter - send an anonyomous letter to the local PD alerting them to about the time he will be arriving in town and which route he will be using - they can catch him and no one ever need kno wit was you

Two reasons my mom doesn’t call me except rarely.  One she doesn’t want to impose & two because when she was growing up it was very expensive to call & she & her mom agreed to talk once a month.  She realizes this is silly but she still goes by it. She used to be annoyed that a coworker & her dtr spoke every day. We also have a huge problem getting off the phone & end up in trouble with our  (jealous) spouses. :) 

AS for Lionel, he only said he would come because he was sure that Laura’s mother would say no way. THis way he’d be off the hook & make the mom look bad.  If he won’t drive 500 miles for one event , why would he for the other.

To Frustrated Daughter: You’re allowing your mother to communicate with you as if you were still a kid. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stop giving your mom permission. Every time she scolds you for not calling enough, it’s up to you to call her on it and tell her to stop. She won’t like it, and it will most likely cause some backlash…old habits die hard and she’s always going to want to look at you like you’re her little girl.

But if you’re persistant (this is where you can take advantage of some of the traits she’s given you over the years), and be an adult about it, she’ll eventually relent.

Treat her like a peer instead of a parent figure, say your truth clearly and respectfully…and what will happen is that you’ll change…you’ll change your perception of yourself, and your perception of her. And once you change those perceptions, you’ll change your relationship. 

You’re 40, but it’s time you grew up. And as someone else said…your mom has a lot less time on this planet than you do. If you have positive feelings for her, NOW is the time to start building a new and better relationship. NOW!

To Stressed Out: If your daughter wants to establish a relationship with her biological father, you shouldn’t get in the way. That said, I would agree that a graduation party is probably not the best time to start.

Isn’t any kind of compromise possible? Pick a time after the party when the two of them can have some private time together? Seems to me there’s either a lack of communication or an inability to communicate…I don’t even get that you’ve tried to negotiate a compromise between your desires and your daughter’s. 

The thing is…your letter makes it all sound like it’s about you and your current husband…your anger, how it’s going to upset the two of you, how much you don’t want him there. I don’t get that you even care that your daughter wants to make this connection. It’s her right…even if it IS going to hurt her.

Your daughter’s growing up…if you trust the job you’ve done raising her, it’s time to give her some respect