Julia Reed | 05/11/2009 9:30 am

What Elizabeth Edwards's Hairstylist Knows About John

Julia Reed reports on life chez Edwards and why Elizabeth stays

Gardere points out that Hillary Clinton has turned “standing by her man” into a political plus. “A lot of people perceive her now as a paragon of strength. It’s a selling point – when the times get rough, this woman does not bail.” Certainly, the same could be said of Edwards. Through all her rough times she has plowed through, writing books, reaching out to thousands who are stricken with cancer, being a loving parent to her kids, and demonstrating every step of the way the resilience that is the title of her new book. Who the hell are we to judge her decisions?

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A marvelous piece, and as close as I think we’re going to get to answers about this oft-asked and complicated question.

By Margo Howard on 05/11/2009 11:03 am

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Thank you Julia

Excellent article and a some great insight as to why a woman sticks with her man. I have always liked Elizabeth Edwards and being a 3 time cancer survivor, I know how tough treatment can be. It is enough to get through that and deal with your children’s security and well being than have to take on kicking the bum to the curb. If she were not married to a politician who was on the national scene, we might not even know about his selfish and stupendously stupid act. Would we even care?

By Frannie Em on 05/11/2009 3:48 pm

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I to am a 3 time cancr survivor (3 different kinds to boot), I went through the first one alone with two todlers, my family were no where to be found, my husband was drunk, and my inlaws did what ever they could. But emotionally I was alone, the second was breast cancer (just had), and I was totally alone, kids grown, husband left me, family no where to be found,and now colon, and again I’m alone. Elisabeth is lucky to have family to support her, she has a home to die for, if she puts him in a seperate bedroom he should feel lucky. Because she’s the one that matters, she is terminal and needs to enjoy every minute of life she can, and she shouldn’t let his mistakes take away from her happiness. I live fairly close to them, but I rent and have an income that doesn’t allow me a meal out or a movie once every 3 yrs. She has a lot at her disposal and she should do what ever she wants when ever she wants and answer to NO ONE. He doesn’t deserve to know anything. But no matter what we all say, it’s Elisabeths life and it’s her decision and all I can say to her is God Bless You, and I’m praying for you.

By Deniseann Taylor on 05/13/2009 10:58 am

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Deniseann

So you also how know hard it is to get through treatment trying to keep kids and yourself in tact. Some women would say - out the door, and good for them I don’t know what I would do if my husband was unfaithful and I was in the same position. I might say "sayonara" or "live in the other end of the house", but I do know that my children would count very high in the equation as to my decision.

I find it a little odd that she wrote the book and put herself out there. What is the point. Is she worried about losing our respect? What does that have to do with her challenges and the mess her husband made?

Boy it sounds like you have been through a lot. I am so sorry that has happened to you. It is no fun and a real challenge when faced with the big c - I wish we could just kick it to the curb. Make sure you take good care of yourself, you are worth it.

By Frannie Em on 05/13/2009 12:34 pm

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My first spouse had an affair, we agreed to work on our marriage and then he started seeing her again and lied to me about it again. At that point, I asked him to leave, took the kids and moved closer to my family in case I just couldn’t live through the pain. He did fall in love with her and she with him. She also gave him permission to drink his head off which I wouldn’t do and she joined him. (Did I say she was a good friend?) After 30 years, she died of alcoholism after being sick for 15 years and he now is in and out of the hospital with the same complications. How sad.

I am glad I didn’t stay because I was 32 with two little kids and was able to have a great career, the children did well and I accidentlyaccidently discovered a fantastic man who became my husband. Life has been very good for all of us, even though there is still a tiny pain behind my heart for what happened to me way back when and my oldest child suffered also.

However, if I had been Elizabeth, I would have stayed too and continued to feather the nest so that their young children could be in their home with their father if/when I left this veil of tears, assuming he changed his roaming behavior, supported me and was a good father to our children. His obligation is to her and his children right now. There will be plenty of time, unfortunately, to investigate if he is the father of that cute baby with the woman he was involved with and at least support and be a father to her if her Mom will let him. Right now, the focus should be totally on Elizabeth, I think.

Life can just be so hared and unfair sometimes.

By Rain39 Mathews on 05/12/2009 12:08 am

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Rain39, Good points, I think. As you describe, every situation is not the same. You did what was right for you and it seems it worked out well—great for you! Then, even after your experience, you are able to look at Elizabeth’s situation with wisdom and empathy—yes, she has too much ahead of her to fight with him. Better to move into her own bedroom in their house and hold him accountable to taking care of her with her illness and taking care of his children. Not giving him any free reign to run off with his paramour at this point. He has responsibilities at home and she’s holding him to it. Good for her.

By Susan S on 05/12/2009 11:50 pm

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I think it is Elizabeths descion. Its quite easy for any of us to say what we would do in that situation. Till someone is there just like cancer we do not have a clue. I hope the best for her.

By S G on 05/11/2009 11:08 am

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It’s really no one’s business but theirs to resolve.

By f p on 05/11/2009 11:31 am

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I’m confused. I don’t care if they stay together, but how can you say it shows a "tremendous amount of underlying strength" for her to say in regards to Rielle Hunter’s baby likely being her husband’s daughter, "That has nothing to do with me or my life, that’s his problem." It’s strong and moral to ignore and dismiss an innocent baby?

How can a woman who paints herself as an advocate for children and families say this about a child who deserves to have a father and his financial and emotional support? Does anyone give a fig about the right of this child to have her father in her life, acknowledging and caring for her?

I would consider a real show of strength Elizabeth saying "I don’t know if this child is my husband’s, but I am going to insist that he has a paternity test. If the child is his, I will ensure that he does his duty by her, both financially and emotionally. This child should not be hurt by the misdeeds of adults."

Now THAT would be what a mature, strong woman does and would be worthy of admiration and respect. You married a worm, Elizabeth, and if you choose to stay with him someone of such low character you cannot aid and abet him turning his back on his own child.

By Jamie Nelson on 05/11/2009 11:37 am

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Well said, Jamie. Standing by her husband and family may be admirable, but dismissing an innocent child is not. She, of all people, should know how precious life is and should force her husband to be held accountable for his actions if, indeed, the child is his.

By Jaimie Flaherty on 05/11/2009 11:54 am

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Thanks Jaimie. I’ve been scratching my head over why no one in the media or elsewhere is bringing this up. If she wants to stay with him that’s fine, but they must do right by this child!

By Jamie Nelson on 05/11/2009 12:03 pm

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Agreed, Jamie, but she is sick. She is dying. It can change the brain.

By Pamela Jenkins on 05/11/2009 12:06 pm

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Jamie, I agree with Elizabeth on this one. It’s not for her to demand a paternity test for a child she has no direct relationship to. Her husband did this; it is up to him to man-up & insist on the test. It is on John as far as child support or any other legalities involved. She has never met or spoken to this woman. If I were terminally ill with 3 children, I hope I wouldn’t waste my energies on something I have no control over. I would save all of that for those that love me & that I love. John made this mess. Why should Elizabeth clean it up? If the child is proven to be his, then it will be up to John to include his children with the new child. BTW-the mother of this child has until recently not wanted or demanded a paternity test. If you believe this child deserves to have both parents in it’s life, I’d look at the 2 people responsible for making sure that happens. Not Elizabeth.

By Terri D on 05/11/2009 12:31 pm

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Terri

I agree

By Frannie Em on 05/11/2009 4:01 pm

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Amen and Hallelujah to that! I don’t care what anyone says——Elizabeth Edwards has her part in this destructive pas de deux. She is not John Edwards’ victim—-she is a co-conspirator. I voted for Edwards and am disgusted with myself—-how can she not feel at least a little disgust for having married such a loser? That scene in the hotel room that Reed describes—-I guarantee you that’s not the first fit he’s thrown—-just like I’d bet the farm that Rielle Hunter wasn’t his first rodeo. The cool way the media and Elizabeth Edwards are dismissing the needs of the innocent child stuck in the middle of this mess really sticks in my craw as well. As the daughter of a father who left me and never met his financial, moral, or emotional obligations to me, I can tell everyone those are wounds that never heal. Elizabeth Edwards is an adult and can make her own decisions—-but the part that stinks about being an adult is that those decisions more often than not affect others. By choosing to play ostrich, Mrs. Edwards is hurting Rielle Hunter’s child——and her own.

By Dianne Lopp on 05/11/2009 12:36 pm