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A Friend Stopped By | 09/18/2009 1:00 am

I Was the Other Woman, by Jane Ganahl

What it’s like to be the mistress.

By Jane Ganahl
© Chris Hardy Photograhy

Editor’s note: Jane Ganahl is the author of the memoir Naked on the Page: The Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife and editor of the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age. For five years she penned the acclaimed Sunday column, Single Minded, for the San Francisco Chronicle, which earned her a place in MSN’s Singles Hall of Fame. 

When "The Good Wife" premieres on CBS September 22, I can promise you that viewers will be mostly concerned with Julianna Margulies’ character: the humiliated wife of yet another powerful politico who could not keep his vices – and his hands – to himself. But I can also promise you that while most viewers will focus on the struggles of Margulies’ "good wife," I’ll be scouring the show for more prurient details on "the other woman."

Who was she? What was so powerful about this attraction that made this famous man risk everything? Was she pretty? Smart?

I’m not proud of this reaction, but I’m evidently not alone. When South Carolina governor Mark Sanford joined a rogue gallery of powerful men (including Pres. Bill Clinton, New York governor Eliot Spitzer, presidential hopefuls John Edwards and Gary Hart) and confessed that he’d flown half a world away to see a woman he considered his "soul mate," Maria Belen Chapur was immediately one of the top searches on the Web.

As I was weeping over the loss of my married lover, one of my friends gently asked me, 'Honey, you have to ask yourself, what are you worth?'

It turns out she is neither a vamp, nor a 20-something aide with ruthless ambition. Chapur is 43, and described as a highly intelligent, high-powered international businesswoman, and a single mother of two. Pretty, yes, but pretty often has nothing to do with it.

Whether a woman becomes The Other Woman is 90 percent about timing. When a man’s marital unhappiness opens a door to infidelity, if you’re standing on the other side of the door and have unmet needs of your own, it can happen with alarming ease.

At least this was the case in my own life.

I was a sickly shade of blue after my second divorce, facing 40 and feeling bitter about relationships. A sympathetic work colleague, upon whose broad shoulders I cried, confided in me about his loveless, sexless marriage. And just like that, during a lunch date, he became my lover. When he visited, he always brought expensive champagne and roses. We got drunk on Sunday afternoons and had sex until we passed out. He told someone whose husband never paid her compliments that she was gorgeous. He watered this dead flower and made it bloom again.

It was, in short, the most romantic, perfect relationship I’d ever had. Except for that one teeny-weeny problem of his — being married. It meant we were lying to everyone and sneaking around. But it’s OK, I thought, this is love and someday we’ll be together. Someday he’ll leave the angry, distant wife and be with me, and this will all have been worth it.

After several blissful months, I went to an event he was producing, intent on giving him a joyful surprise visit. Instead, I was stopped in my tracks by the sight of her. She was wearing a peasant skirt and straw hat, and was smiling, dancing and looking warm and funny and lovely. She had her arm around his shoulder. I thought I would die on the spot, imploding in a morass of anger, remorse – and guilt. I had become The Other Woman. Like Madame Bovary, minus the arsenic. Like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction," minus the corkscrew curls and the livestock required to make a bunny stew.

Like Glenn’s character (though I left the kitchen knives in the drawer), I confronted him about our future. "What future?" was his wide-eyed reply. That was all I needed to hear, and I ended it quickly. For months, if not years, I felt like I was wearing a scarlet A on my chest, and eyed with suspicion every over-affectionate male slobbering on his companion. I wonder if she’s his Other Woman?

Statistics were in my favor: according to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 50 to 60% of all married men cheat at some point in their marriages. That must mean there are millions of Other Women out there ready to play the role. For most — I would guess 90% — it ends badly. But for a few, it pays off handsomely.

We’ve seen Other Women in our culture be transformed into celebrities, leaving marital chaos in their smiling wake. Monica Lewinsky got her own reality TV show after her affair with President Bill Clinton, Ashley Alexandra Dupre made perhaps a million dollars off downloads of her music following her role in the Spitzer drama, and Donna Rice became a national spokeswoman for No Excuses jeans.

Every married woman fears this Other Woman, but who is she?

49 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

canuck canuck

This is news?

By canuck canuck on 09/18/2009 4:03 am
newzie snoozie

CANUCKYOU ASK   THIS IS NEWS ?

WELL I ASK WHAT THE HEY DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH A POLITICAL  INCIDENT?  

I THOUGHT W O W’S  IQ  WAS HIGHER THEN THIS DIDN’T YOU!MAYBE THAT IOS  THE TENTATIVE TITLE U-NO!

WHO ARE WE   TO THINK WE ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THEN THAT

By newzie snoozie on 09/18/2009 9:47 am
judy palaferro
it is constantly news and without this heightened, flashy, painful, painful, painful experience we wouldn’t be responding nor having had the experience to read such a well written, open article. woman need to constantly be reminded, most women, not all but many bond after having sex and begin nesting without any sense of what is real. we believe in a fantasy, so easy to do. amazingly, some women do get the man…but not all and when they are gone, ouch, ouch, ouch. we deserve the best for ourselves, the very best. personally, i have learned the hard and very stupid way, i cannot have sex like a man and this took 35 years of trying and 35 years of lonliness, but this is another story.
By judy palaferro on 09/20/2009 8:29 pm
Nancy Pea

my best friend always says, "there ain’t no profit in a married man!" in otherwords you will never get the full benefit of this man. holidays, he will be with his wife and you will be alone. you cannot be seen in public and you cannot call him in emergencies. so you will deal with all that alone.

a women that is the other woman and actually gets the man to leave the wife has to remember that if he back doored his wife, he will eventually back door you too. so be ready for it. i’m too loud, demanding and honest to be the other woman. so it just wouldn’t ever work for me!

By Nancy Pea on 09/18/2009 5:32 am
newzie snoozie
NANCY, DEAR THEY DO NOT WANT YOU TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM —- THEY WANT US OT WATCH THE STORY WHICH STARTS  SEPT. 22,2009.  IF THEY SOLVE THE PROBLEM BECAUSE OF YOUR HELP THEN THERE WENT A WHOLE  13 WKS. OF FILMING.   THIS IS AN ADAN AD OF COMING ATTRACTIONS  —-THEY WANT US OT GET HOOKED ON THE WORDS TYPED THERE SO WE ALL WATCH IT.    I WON’T WATCH IT.
By newzie snoozie on 09/18/2009 9:50 am
Nancy Pea
it’s still here for me to put my ten cents in so i did. i most probably will forget to watch it anyway, i barely watch tv anymore except certain shows when i remember. if it’s on a mon - wed night i’m usually to busy going to bed early with my 3yr old grandson because he wears me out and gets up early. so much for that, lol!
By Nancy Pea on 09/18/2009 5:42 pm
Rain 39
My ex fell in love with my best friend 40 years ago and married her leaving me to raise a 1 year and a 4 year old.  It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me since I had actually married my binge drinking father.  He didn’t cheat on his wife but they both drank heavily and she died young of an alcohol related problem. I think they were happy.  I’ve been very happy in a 38 year marriage and traveled the world along with having a great career while my partner and I raised these great kids. Being the other woman wouldn’t work for me either.  I am too outspoken and a relationship person.
By Rain 39 on 09/21/2009 12:22 am
Nancy Pea

i had problems with my hormones acting up and it caused me problems in one relationship and i’m sad to say i ended up having an affair. BUT both times i tried to break up with my fiance at the time. but he wouldn’t leave. the first time i did something when he was still with me and he left after that. then a few months later we got back together and then a couple years later it happened again. but this time he left for good and it was better. i dumped mr right for mr "extremely" good in bed. but it was something i got out of my system. as far as i know i have never been the other woman because i refuse not to have a man make me the center of his attention. i’m very much expect to be spoiled in a relationship and if i don’t get that, they are gone.

now that i had the radical hysterectomy, i have lost the hormone problem of being boy crazy and my sex drive. i think a lot of it is psychological. sex would be painful for me, so i think my body has turned it off. also the only person i want isn’t who i want anymore. lol! but yes, i’m extremely outspoken. i tended to get men that wanted a controlling mommy figure and i guess that’s what i was because they seemed to like it. i always said if a guy wants to fool around with somebody else, that’s fine as long as i get the same choice. suddenly they didn’t like that and i said goodbye because i don’t play. when i’m with someone i’m with them completely and that’s that. 

By Nancy Pea on 09/21/2009 1:19 am
Marjorie C.

Such an old story.  Always heartbreaking, always damaging.  Yet there are groups of people where polygamy works.  The variable must be love and the intensity of it.      

In reading Eleanor Roosevelt’s life story, I remember a sadness when she discovered FDR’s love letters with …  (I’ve forgotten her name).  Somehow Eleanor deserved better after bearing all those children…  after loving Franklin so sincerely.

How many books have been written and movies made wrapped around this plot…            

By Marjorie C. on 09/18/2009 5:37 am
B Clark
Why is it about the wife vs other women and their feelings about the other?  I always wonder why they don’t or can’t get together and ask the man in question "What the hell’s the matter with you that you can’t stick to one woman at a time?".   The man always tells the mistress "My wife doesn’t understand me" even if his wife is the most virtuous loving partner and mother to the children.  The mistress always believes whatever this rat tells her and dreams he will someday leave the wife to be with her (and if he ever does, she is surprised when she is suddenly the next wife that doesn’t understand him).  The wife is either oblivious of the husbands conquests or accepts he must need to hunt for a little action on the side and is secure that he’ll never leave her.  And the wife is even admired if the whole mess becomes public and she still stands by her man.  A little gelding would calm that dog and keep him from wandering from home.
By B Clark on 09/18/2009 7:01 am
newzie snoozie

B,  ALL MEN ARE SICKLY  ABOUT THIS STUFF.

AS THEY GREW  IT WAS ONLY THIR BODIES THAT ACTUALLY GREW BIGGERHE IS STILL HIS MOMAS BOY HIS BIG SISTERS LILLBROTHER BUBBY. HE ISN’T A BUBBA  OH NO IF HE SI A BUBBA THEN THAT WORD CLAIMS HE IS ROUGH AND TOUGH AND HARD TO BLUFFHE IS  THE BIG SIS’s BUBBY, IT IS A SOFT WORD SAY IT. BUB-BYEE. I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THE WORD SHOULD BE SPELLED BUB-BEEIT IS SOFT AND IT IS SORT OF STRONG  TO A CERTAIN DEGREE BY BRINGING IN THE SOUND OF THE BEE THE NAME OF A BEE LEADS TO - NEEDING - HUGS AND LOVE AND FEMALE ATTENTION. SEESO THE HUS BAND  CONQUERING HIS FIRST LOVE  WHO TAKES THE MOMMIES PLACE , THE WIFEOK —-THE GUY HAS A MA-ME  NOW HE HAS TO FIND HIS BIG SISTER  SO THAT SI FEMALE #2 THE SISTER [PARTTHEN, HE NEEDS A FEMALE TOP BECOME THE SMALL LITTLE SISTER WHO HE CAN PUSH AND SHOVE AROUND.    THERE ARE PATTERNS FOR HIM TO FOLLOWJUST BECAREFUL YOU DO NOT BECOME #3 BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES WHO GET THE ABUSE. THE MOMS CLEAN SEW AND KNIT FOR HIM AND THEY DO THE HOLIDAYS SO WELL. THEY WASH HIS DIRTY CLOTHES  AND ITRON THEM NICE AND SMOOTH. SO HE EXPECTS THAT FIRST WIFE TO DO IT LAL FOR HIM JUST LIKE MOMMY DID.

THE BIG SIS IS TJHERE TO COMFORT HIM  WHEN MOMMIES NOT AROUND TO CRADLE HIM IN HER ARMS AND TELL HIM EVERYTHIGNS GONNA BE ALRIGHTBULL HOCKEY GIRLSTELL THESE MEN / BOYS REALLY .  I AM NOT YO MOMMA!!!!!!!!!!!! MANY GUYS NEED THE GRANDMAS TOO.

By newzie snoozie on 09/18/2009 10:05 am
B Clark
Caps lock stuck?
By B Clark on 09/18/2009 10:14 am
Nancy Pea

my font is raised because of bad eyesight even with the glasses. so that might be it. anyway, i agree with you. these unfaithful men (and woman) live by a different code that us faithful types. i was only unfaithful 2x in my life, i was very young and i regretted it deeply later. it has never happened again. but those were different times also. i have taught my daughter that doing things like that isn’t right and putting up with a man that does it to her is very wrong.

what’s funny is even if the wife and the mistress meet, then turn on the husband usually the man will dump them both for somebody new. once a cheater, always a cheater except in very few cases. same with a woman that is cheating on her husband. they just play by different rules. a friend of mine has a brother that can’t stay faithful if you paid him. he married this girl and she was the same way. i figured "well, they have an open marriage!" NO! neither knew what the other was doing. finally one caught the other and it came out. do you think even tho they both were doing the same things that they admitted it? NO, they split up both thinking the other was a dirty dog. neither would admit to the other what was going on. i just sat back and laughed. i figured these two hypocrits would cancel each other out. NOPE! they divorced and went on there separate ways talking sh*t about each other til the end of time. so, i don’t think it will ever change for some ppl!

By Nancy Pea on 09/18/2009 5:55 pm
Denise Wexler
Wouldn’t it be something if "The Other Man" were as interesting a subject as "The Other Woman"?
By Denise Wexler on 09/18/2009 8:20 am
Nancy Pea
hey that would be a good idea. you never see it from his angle. probably because he is considered the bad guy. but it does happen to men too, from women that are unfaithful!
By Nancy Pea on 09/18/2009 5:56 pm