A Friend Stopped By | 09/18/2009 1:00 am
I Was the Other Woman, by Jane Ganahl
What it’s like to be the mistress.

Editor’s note: Jane Ganahl is the author of the memoir Naked on the Page: The Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife and editor of the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age. For five years she penned the acclaimed Sunday column, Single Minded, for the San Francisco Chronicle, which earned her a place in MSN’s Singles Hall of Fame.
When "The Good Wife" premieres on CBS September 22, I can promise you that viewers will be mostly concerned with Julianna Margulies’ character: the humiliated wife of yet another powerful politico who could not keep his vices – and his hands – to himself. But I can also promise you that while most viewers will focus on the struggles of Margulies’ "good wife," I’ll be scouring the show for more prurient details on "the other woman."
Who was she? What was so powerful about this attraction that made this famous man risk everything? Was she pretty? Smart?
I’m not proud of this reaction, but I’m evidently not alone. When South Carolina governor Mark Sanford joined a rogue gallery of powerful men (including Pres. Bill Clinton, New York governor Eliot Spitzer, presidential hopefuls John Edwards and Gary Hart) and confessed that he’d flown half a world away to see a woman he considered his "soul mate," Maria Belen Chapur was immediately one of the top searches on the Web.
| As I was weeping over the loss of my married lover, one of my friends gently asked me, 'Honey, you have to ask yourself, what are you worth?' |
It turns out she is neither a vamp, nor a 20-something aide with ruthless ambition. Chapur is 43, and described as a highly intelligent, high-powered international businesswoman, and a single mother of two. Pretty, yes, but pretty often has nothing to do with it.
Whether a woman becomes The Other Woman is 90 percent about timing. When a man’s marital unhappiness opens a door to infidelity, if you’re standing on the other side of the door and have unmet needs of your own, it can happen with alarming ease.
At least this was the case in my own life.
I was a sickly shade of blue after my second divorce, facing 40 and feeling bitter about relationships. A sympathetic work colleague, upon whose broad shoulders I cried, confided in me about his loveless, sexless marriage. And just like that, during a lunch date, he became my lover. When he visited, he always brought expensive champagne and roses. We got drunk on Sunday afternoons and had sex until we passed out. He told someone whose husband never paid her compliments that she was gorgeous. He watered this dead flower and made it bloom again.
It was, in short, the most romantic, perfect relationship I’d ever had. Except for that one teeny-weeny problem of his — being married. It meant we were lying to everyone and sneaking around. But it’s OK, I thought, this is love and someday we’ll be together. Someday he’ll leave the angry, distant wife and be with me, and this will all have been worth it.
After several blissful months, I went to an event he was producing, intent on giving him a joyful surprise visit. Instead, I was stopped in my tracks by the sight of her. She was wearing a peasant skirt and straw hat, and was smiling, dancing and looking warm and funny and lovely. She had her arm around his shoulder. I thought I would die on the spot, imploding in a morass of anger, remorse – and guilt. I had become The Other Woman. Like Madame Bovary, minus the arsenic. Like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction," minus the corkscrew curls and the livestock required to make a bunny stew.
Like Glenn’s character (though I left the kitchen knives in the drawer), I confronted him about our future. "What future?" was his wide-eyed reply. That was all I needed to hear, and I ended it quickly. For months, if not years, I felt like I was wearing a scarlet A on my chest, and eyed with suspicion every over-affectionate male slobbering on his companion. I wonder if she’s his Other Woman?
Statistics were in my favor: according to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 50 to 60% of all married men cheat at some point in their marriages. That must mean there are millions of Other Women out there ready to play the role. For most — I would guess 90% — it ends badly. But for a few, it pays off handsomely.
We’ve seen Other Women in our culture be transformed into celebrities, leaving marital chaos in their smiling wake. Monica Lewinsky got her own reality TV show after her affair with President Bill Clinton, Ashley Alexandra Dupre made perhaps a million dollars off downloads of her music following her role in the Spitzer drama, and Donna Rice became a national spokeswoman for No Excuses jeans.
Every married woman fears this Other Woman, but who is she?























49 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
"I have not given up on wanting that passion and high-end romance; I just don’t want it to be at the expense of another woman."
It seems as though the expense was hers.
I think that any woman who gets involved with a married man deserves what she gets. Even if he leaves his wife for her, how can she trust him? If he cheated on his wife, he’ll cheat on you.
When I was in my 20’s in the 1970’s, there was a gang of us "singles" who met at Governor’s Park Bar on Friday nights to go "out on the town". We would meet after work and decide where we were going for dinner and then on to dance the night! But we had to wait each Friday night until around 8:30 pm to make our plans with the guys we met at the bar, because all the married men left around 8-8:30 pm to go home to their wives. After that, the single men were left and then we would make plans for the remainder of the night.
We sometimes sat on the patio in the summertime and watched the men put their wedding rings back on their fingers as they walked to their cars.
The married men always had a good "line of chatter" but always had to leave the fun by 8:30 pm ………well at least most of them.
every married woman fears the other woman - but also married men too (including those not yet married but also in "committed" relationships) have fear. women are just as likely nowadays to cheat or have indiscretions.
as a man, i’ve known many OTHER women, as well as OTHER men. none of it is "right" IMO, but it is pretty rampant in society.
Jay S. - www.cheaterzzz.com
Jane, you are indeed a pathetic character.
I guess the militant feminist in me has a real problem with women who devalue themselves. However I really have a problem with women who attempt to financially capitalize on exposing their part in such acts of betrayal. The excuse "he’s the one married…I’m not" doesn’t pass the smell test. It’s the primary reason why I don’t understand people into swinging and threesomes, why would anyone want to share their man?All women who become involved with married men are disgusting, in my opinion. Although I do believe it is important to understand why we do things in life. Our thought process and such. Because by knowing you can learn. But people who engage in activities that are a detriment to others (beyond themselves as in a drug habit or eating disorder) I find reprehensible. It’s almost tantamount in my eyes to rubbing salt in the womb.
"I not only played a part in your husband betraying your trust, but now I’m going to publicly discuss it to make money off that act."
I find that disgusting.
People who "share" generally don’t have feelings of ownership towards their significant other. Also, we understand that there are all sorts of different loves in a person’s life. In any case, this has nothing to do with a person who breaks the promises he or she makes towards a significant other.
Brava Belinda Joy!
"All women who become involved with married men are disgusting, in my opinion"…Belinda now that is one topic we can agree on all day!
I think the author was mostly stunned to see her lover’s wife appearing happy and content with him; and his arm around her. My immediate impression was he lied about being neglected and sexually deprived. "Players only love you when they’re playing" applies to both the cheater and his/her accomplice. I feel sorry for the wife and no one else.
One thing I do not understand is why the women are always called Hos and the men are not. They need the same label because they can not keep their pants button up and pass diseases just like the women.
My parent’s marriage broke up because of my father and his mistress. My father had the gall to say to my mom that he was going to come back after he left to go to this woman.
I see divorce and living together with kids involved that the break up effects the quality of life has on us. Now there are not money to go to camp, to buy clothes to fit in at school and puts the kids in situations where they are not protected. My father paid his support but very rarely remembered that he had kids and because of that it left us unprotected.