My mother married a farmer.The only time my parents left the farm was to go to a wedding or a funeral in another county or state. This was a big production because that meant other farmers had to be willing to pitch in and feed our livestock.  If it was harvest season, they never went anywhere.  My mom was a hard worker… sun up to past sundown. I never heard my mom complain.  She may not have been delirious with happiness, but she was at peace with herself and her life.

In contrast, while I had the usual teenage jobs and adult jobs, I’ve really never worked hard at anything or worried about work. For the most part, I enjoyed it and was good at what I did.  In the work environment, I  met many who are close friends today. Unlike my mom, I have traveled to far away places. 

In spite of that, I don’t believe I am happier than my mom and her generation.  My mom accepted her life, and as far as I know, never wanted anything else. She smiled and laughed often and loved many unconditionally. 

I had bigger dreams and life expectations and took risks…and with that come bigger disappointments.  We live in a more gender enlightened time, but that doesn’t guarantee more happiness.

Contentment? In the autumn of my years ( I refuse to go into winter ) I am content, I am very sad about my husband’s illness but I can’t change that. When I am just myself and do not pay attention to that part of my life (not too often possible) then I am very comfortable and content on where I am.

I tell myself every day that after Alzheimer there is a life completely full of contentment. That thought keeps me going. 

When I was in business and much younger (of course) I was not in that contentment stage, I was forever trying to work harder and harder and assume the responsability of being the wheel in the family wagon. If spokes fell I repaired them. Now , I gave that job to one of my responsible children. I just follow the wagon and when tired I sit in it and just see where it will take me.

My guess is that more women are stressed and overwhelmed than ever, given the growing number of us who are the breadwinners in the family. (BTW, anyone know the origins of the word ‘breadwinner’? I’m curious and would love to know.)

Susan Gabriel  

40 years ago I was 15. I didn’t have a boyfriend like all the other girls, and thought I was fat at 132 pounds.

Its all relative. 

I think it’s a combination of the second, third and fourth reasons with the first reason being the only difference between now and all of the other times in history when the other three circumstances were also applicable.

I’m sure that 40 years ago women would have seemed more unhappy than women forty years before that seemed to be in retrospect, but nobody would have asked. 

Shoot!!! I wasn’t even alive 40 yrs ago so I’d have to say I am happier now since I exist. I do know that I was happier before pagers, cell phones and 600 channels on TV. I still don’t have a cell phone, but I will probably be getting one soon for emergencies since I bought my car. If women are unhappier now then it is probably something they have done to themselves. We try so hard to be everything to everyone that we wind up failing at something. Women struggle constantly with the balancing act of modern life. We work, raise kids, clean the house, fix the meals, etc… I think you now need to have ADD in order to women in today’s society because we are expected to be perfect in everything. Society is still geared towards life in the 50’s and has yet to catch up with reality.

Fourty years ago I was thirty years old and had been teaching for seven years.  I had my own apartment, car, credit card and assorted bills.  This was all achieved in the 1960’s.  I was happy then and I am happy now at seventy years.  I have always known that my family was different from the supposed norm.  I never had any limitations put on me by my parents, my grandparents or my Great-grandmother.  I was always told I could do whatever I wanted to do regardless of what others stated.  As a young child I was my father’s constant companion as he did the yard work (mowing, weeding) or car repairs.  It was these activities that made it easy for me to identify what was wrong with my car and to know all the necessary skills needed to be successful in growing my own fruits, vegetables, and flowers.  With my mother during the week I learned the many house keeping skills—cooking, baking, cleaning, sewing, knitting, ironing, etc.  My parents split the chores basically down the middle—Dad was responsible for all yard and car jobs and Mom was responsible for all the inside housekeeping chores.  If something needed to be repaired Dad did it and they both shared the decorating chores. 

I came from a family which on both sides had very strong willed women.  On my Dad’s side, both his mother and grandmother raised their children alone for a period of time.  They did whatever was neccessary to provide for their children and themselves.  On my Mom’s side, I really know only her mother’s family.  Her mother was first generation American, whose parents were from Bohemia and Bavaria.  Mom’s father was also a first generation American of English parents.  Pop traveled the world for business and Grandma was left as the main caregiver for their two children.  Pop earned the money and Grandma took care of the house and paid the bills.  I have all her ledger books showing the details of the family imcome and expenditures.  The women in my family were very active in the running of the family and taking care of their own needs.  I grew up knowing that I had all the skills I needed to take care of myself and a man was not necessary for me to be happy and complete.   

One cannot help but be struck by the truth in every single one of the preceding posts, even those that seem contradictory!  And by the wisdom!

 That’s the great conundrum, isn’t it?  We’ve been dealing with an ever-deepening trunkful of trade-offs over these past 40 yrs.

 I’ve seen the 50-50 deal re. parenting, etc. work pretty well, but it’s unusual.  What may appear to be 50-50 rarely is, & in my experience it’s usually fraught with an undercurrent of resentment on the part of one or both spouses, anyway.

 No doubt the ability of women to get credit in their own name, as well as gainful employment, represent a sea-change over the last 40 years.  Because what in my mind gave rise most prominently to what we call the "Woman’s Movement" was rage & fear.  Rage springing from the historic vulnerability of women:  being abandonded by a husband who was no longer "happy";   who decided to pursue another life with another (usually younger) woman;  who got sick;  who died.  And fear springing from the fact that each woman who took the plunge  —  married & committed to raising a family  —  knew that she was vulnerable to the same fate.

 Here’s where I come out:  Those of us who have enjoyed a single, long,  monogomous marriage (I’m in that category, tho’ w/a husband who became incapacited 12 years ago, I’ve had to find ways to become financially independent while, until 4-5 yrs. ago, also being a primary caregiver;  I have a lot to say about our so-called health-care system!), and owe a spectacular debt of gratitude to Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, some of their forebears & many of their/our contemporaries in the struggle, still, if we’re honest, must admit that at the end of the day:  EVERYONE NEEDS A WIFE TO COME HOME TO.  Of course, I use "wife" as a euphamism for comfort, stability, order, sanity. A marriage where both parents work outside the home, especially if there are children involved, is nothing more than a machine  —  ships passing in the night, slaves to Blackberrys, schedulers, computer islolation, "meetings," virtual or real, that go on into the night & weekends, etc., grabbing/grasping at precious few moments of real conversation, closeness, family time, comfort, joy.

 So we come to "happiness."  Is that an antiquated word, replaced perhaps, in our modern world, by fullfillment?  More security?  The chimera of equality?  I think the jury’s still out;  we need more historical perspective.  And we need to look for a little guidance from more evolved countries and cultures:  Canada, the Benelux & Scandinavian countries, France, Germany.  In combination, they seem to validate "woman’s work" more  —  granting "homemaker allowances," "infant & child allowances," & of course more humane health care (a further safety net which mitigates fear & stress!).   

Since you don’t have children yourself it’s unlikely you spend enough time with other families to see how much the psychology has changed. Men are more involved in parenting than at any time in history. I don’t know what kind of fathers you know, but in my 20 years of raising children the fathers I know (including my husband) don’t view themselves at all the way you describe. The fathers I know view themselves as role models, teachers, mentors and coaches. They are every bit involved in parenting as the mothers. Do fathers have a different parenting style then mothers? You bet! And they are supposed to. Children receive and learn different things from each parent.

Are you saying both parents need to work outside the home and parent? Seriously? I disagree. Families need to figure out what works the best for them. For some that is mom working. For others it’s mom being home. There is not some magical formula or a one size fits all approach.

I have no idea where you get the idea that men don’t take their roles as fathers seriously. There are some who don’t, but they are not the majority.