Poll | 12/15/2008 12:00 am

The holidays are here! When it comes to gift giving, do you prefer to give ... or to receive?

Read more about: Generosity, Gifts, Holidays, Shopping

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I chose “giving” but really I should have selected the third choice, because I’m mostly just so uncomfortable receiving…especially when I can’t afford to reciprocate. The guilt I experience when people spend money on me is at times quite debilitating. I’m not entirely sure why but I’m guessing it’s to do with so many traumatic childhood years of my mother always accusing me of being an “ungrateful/spoiled brat” (I wasn’t; she was jealous of her family members who could afford to spend more money on me than she ever could)…so now I have a complex because of the negative associations I have with receiving gifts. Sorry, didn’t mean for this to turn into a therapy session. If WOW were to charge by the hour, I’d be tens of thousands of dollars in debt by now. lol

By Kryssi K on 12/15/2008 12:43 am

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Kryssi, While I don’t think I was “marked” by parents or relatives early on — and that would leave its own scars forever - I have a different problem. In my “perfect world” of my dreams, I believe in giving. But I have been uncomfortable for a long time - perhaps since this highly materialistic world came into being - with the belief that we give on the holidays and on birthdays because that is “when it is done”. Speaking for myself, I feel pressure in coming up with gift after gift, wondering if this or that is going to be a skyrocketing success. What would I like instead? I think the most satisfactory giving is the giving of one’s self and not necessarily on that circled occasion, but at all the surprise times of the other 360 days of the year. “Let me take you to the show” or “how ‘bout going out to that good new restaurant, my treat” is the real surprise. BUT it is that you are showing that YOU care that is the real gift, and makes the other person glow inside that they are recognized — and yes, wanted. If it is busy women, I say “you set the date and let’s go” and then the pressure angle is set aside. Don’t most of us think that gifts are things of the moment anyhow? I would far more like to have a child or grandchild as a surprise for no reason given me something handmade that touches my heart and I know I will never part with — as it was part of them. My favorite gift - to give OR receive - is hearing or saying “I love you”. Those are the real gifts in life. The more you are out there giving of yourself, the more chance you too will be on the receiving end some days. “Glorious” is not a word said often — but could anything be more glorious than some form of “I love you”?? I don’t think so!!!!!

By joan larsen on 12/15/2008 1:13 am

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Joanie, these are my feelings exactly and you have said it so eloquently, I shan’t say another word on the subject of giving or recieving. However, it seems exspectations of the spirit of the season are another thing entirely…and I know that mine get unreasonably high. Does anyone else do this? My mind pictures the fairy tale version while consciously I know that it can’t be that way and I end up feeling a little let down. I also miss those who are no longer with me very badly during the holidays so it is a happy and sad time.

By Agyness O on 12/15/2008 2:56 pm

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Agy … like you, I no longer can get past too many glances back into the past — which in my case was glorious. It is really odd — as we as younger people, seldom know of the private lives of our good friends or how they do Christmas or other celebrations … or even if gifts are bounteous or not. But somehow, the times with family become more precious with time — and in my case, regrets that I was too young to express the wonderful feelings that I would be able to now. In turn, the children have established “traditions” - or attempted to that form and shape the time together. At times, it has been picture-book lovely: the music in the background, the fire going — and as my son’s living room is 26 foot tall, he normally gets a “church” Christmas tree that can be gotten in netted, but actually has to be chain-sawed to dismantle. A scene in itself that few have seen. One year a grandson - about 10 I would say - suggested at the dining table that we all gather hands and say what we were thankful for and then actually sing a song together that he began. What this came from, we do not know. It was beautiful, coming from him, but rather awkward to those assembled - but touching to the maybe 16 around the table. So some the same, bits and pieces, but “not the same” as my own childhood. But perhaps now we try too hard to make this days to remember forever for the grandchildren. It seems so - and we have to wonder if they, too will remember - or will they, in this materialistic world? Perhaps, we can talk afterwards and compare. I knew we were much alike. Joaneeeeee

By joan larsen on 12/15/2008 3:44 pm

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Greetings, Joan. I’ve developed a knack of kind of listening year-‘round about what friends/family say they’re interested in, and then make a strong mental note of it. Rather than look for something specific, most times I just walk around a store and things hit me out of nowhere. Like, well…a certain someone I know hates a certain type of silly movie series, and I happened to see it in the store the other day and - boom! - I said, “I’m going to get her that!” Sure to get a laugh. Years ago, someone pulled a prank and got this really ugly porcelain cat with gaudy colors. If I recall correctly, my sister threw it in the trash, so disgusted was she. But some smart-aleck pulled it out of the trash, and - lo and behold - it turned up amongst her presents one Christmas morning the following year. That darn cat got passed back and forth on an annual basis for a few years.

By James the Game on 12/15/2008 3:38 pm

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Fun and laughs should be what life is all about — getting silly, passing along gifts that are so grotesque that “only a mother could love them” as we used to say, and sending the awful thing in a box so strange in size and wrapped that it fully disguises the gift. Then - BIG surprise!!! Let me how the silly movies go over, will you? OK, James, you haven’t been listening year-round to me obviously … as if you could manage - could you? - I would never forget you if you could arrange a long weekend - at the very least - to Monterey and Carmel. If you like wild nature, you are invited to come along — as I know every nook and cranny of the trails and headlands and underwater tidepools … and I am ready for a sense of peace and oneness with nature right now. What should make it so tempting - that is if you like the outdoors - is that there are so many private places to wander that it seems few know — and the whales seem to make a splash for me, the otters love me, and the sea lions — well, I think I wrote on this that I actually was part of a rescue effort for a sick baby sea lion that became a pretty major story. Things like that - helping other creatures are what we are here in this world for — aren’t we? I think I am anyhow. I do hope this hint in your memory banks will further the cause. :-) Joan

By joan larsen on 12/15/2008 3:58 pm

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James . . . Gorgeous day —- brilliant sunshine and every tree covered with glinting ice from top to bottom — who could ask for more. Before we leave for Minneapolis in three days, I want to make sure I send my wishes for the best to you and for you in the coming year — surprises of the good sort especially, and perhaps some people new and wonderful in your life — as you deserve only those who are the BEST. Joan

By joan larsen on 12/21/2008 11:38 am

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Joan, thanks for the kind words and thoughts. We’re in the middle of a blizzard here (Dec. 21st). I went to the Detroit Red Wings’ hockey game in Detroit last night (Saturday), and didn’t get back to Grand Rapids until 12:50am. But I couldn’t get into my driveway, because of three-foot snow drifts and ice left by the crew that plows my street. It took me two hours - until 2:50am - to be able to get into my driveway. I went back out there at 11 a.m. Sunday morning, and it was all drifted back in. More shoveling. I managed to remove all the snow next to the patio back door and went to the store for 20 minutes. When I returned home, it was drifted over three feet! Forty-mile miles-per-hour winds, near-zero visibility and wind chills of 30 below zero. And I have to drive to Lansing late tonight. There was a 30-car pile-up to our south in Benton Harbor, Michigan, involving 12 semi-trucks and one fatality. I-94 Eastbound was shut down. I-196 west of Grand Rapids was shut down after a multi-vehicle pileup in which a state trooper received non life-threatening injuries. This is why I HATE Michigan winters. Just hate them with a passion. They are incredibly, incredibly dangerous. And now, I’m going to have to venture out to get a snow rake to get snow off my roof, because it’s piled four feet high and the roof could collapse. It’s been the worst December since 2000, which was the month I found out my mother had terminal lung cancer. It’s beyond any nightmare you could ever imagine. There are 27 inches on the ground, not counting four-foot snow drifts, and two more ten-inch snowfalls forecasted for Tuesday and Christmas weekend. Be very careful and bundle up going to Minneapolis. I don’t mean to scare you, but it’s beyond description, beyond belief.

By James the Game on 12/21/2008 5:51 pm

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Hey James, hope you’re safe and warm as I write this. Michigan folk have had it really tough lately, and I’m sorry to hear about all the terrible weather on top of everything else. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and to let you know that I always enjoy my discussions with you, even when we don’t see eye to eye. ;-) You’re one of the few men who aren’t here to pick a fight or play out their misogynist mind games. I hope you’ll keep hanging with us, we appreciate your contributions. Peace to you, and better times ahead.

By Susan B on 12/21/2008 10:28 pm

Thank you for the kind thoughts and wishes, Susan. Likewise: Merry Christ-mas and Happy Holidays. I’m safe - so far - but not warm. A blizzard struck, two hours to shovel out the drive before I could get the car in, multi-car pileups on the highways caused shutdowns of I-94 and I-196. 30-below windchills, and snow waist-deep. Ah, Michigan!

By James the Game on 12/22/2008 2:24 am

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I have lived in Northern California my whole life, but my husband is from the East Coast, I lived in NYC for a bit and my parents and their extended families are from Northern Ohio, so I have experienced a taste of the weather you describe. Lake Effects, right? You are heartier stock than I, sir! I hear from my cousin almost daily, and he tells me weather horror stories. Please stay safe — I imagine you know how to do that by now — and I hope Santa brings you a new snowclearer! :-)

By Susan B on 12/22/2008 11:19 am

The number-one thing most people detest about living up north is that the snow makes driving treacherous. Even if you drive safely, you have to worry about other idiots who are trying to drive 70 on icy highways. Even for a seasoned driver, it is very, very, very dangerous at times. The windchills can be life-threatening, if you’re in a car and get stranded somewhere. Other times, winter isn’t too bad. You can enjoy the white tapestry it makes, and it makes the holiday season more festive. But my dream is not to have to live in Michigan in the winter.

By James the Game on 12/22/2008 3:07 pm

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By James the Game on 12/22/2008 3:07 pm

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I don’t like to complain about the weather much since I have chosen to live in MI, but what kind of joke is this? It seems we’ve had some kind of weather advisory every day all through December. Snow, snow, go away and don’t come back til we at least get the side streets plowed once, and my daughter and grandbaby arrive safely from Seattle.

By irish bell on 12/22/2008 10:06 am

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Yeah, Bell, it took me two hours to get into my driveway the other night. It seems like the past several years, all of the winters have been really harsh. Where are the mild winters of 10 years ago, when it was 40 out a good deal of the time? Forty, as you know, is short-sleeve weather in Michigan in the winter, after your body acclimates to 30 below.

By James the Game on 12/22/2008 3:09 pm