What causes you the most stress lately?

MONEY.

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY…MOOOOOONEEEEEY!

My health always gets bad this time of year, and I am uninsured, so I gotta pay out of pocket. And to top that off, my CAR DIED last week.

Meanwhile, the wanderlusty fire sign in me is trying to figure out what to SELL to make enough extra money for a VACATION (even the smallest trip would suffice) because I haven’t had one since…oh my God…it will be a year in December! *panics*

My family. They can be so self-centered and it becomes emotionally draining.

I am betting that most who reply will say that the uncertainties of the future - their money, their job, the state of the nation will top it all. But most of these we have to watch and wait, as there is little we can do, can we?

Dealing with health problems, to me, tops the scale at any time. When I am dealing with multiple people and their issues or oncoming demise as is happening at a faster pace lately, the strain and sometimes the helplessness — and these important demands on my time — cause high
stress. As in all other issues in life, I find over the long run, it is feast or famine — and now it is being there for too many people at once. . and yet, how could I not? Is there anyone beside me that has days that they don’t want to answer the phone as they can’t handle one more thing?? I am a strong person so when I say “make the world go away”, you know it is BAD.

My brother’s suicide in late July was the most deeply distrubing thing of my entire life. He is the very last person you’d imagine could do it. What it has done to my mother and Dad and my son adds more dimensions of pain. I found a very good small book that has really helped and being in Carmel has helped….but I know that this will be the tragedy of our family for the rest of our lives…and I fear it will wreck my parent’s already frail health…and it hasn’t helped mine.

I’ve come to understand is that ultra-responsible, successful, capable, witty, ebuilient people seem so able to handle anything…they are able to hide their depression…and unable, from pride or whatever, to use the huge support system my brother had. He even said in his note he was a happy man with a great life. He threw away so much….and nothing can erase that fact or thought. All else pales in the face of this. I think we all failed him…in a way from respect for his rock solid steadiness….I could easier imagine GWB blowing up the planet than this.

I have to find a way to represent this to myself so that “my brother committed suicide” doesn’t become a defining feature of me like blonde hair. My parents won’t talk about it…it’s the elephant in the room. It’s strange….because the night before is crystal clear in my mind because I was so happy. The cast was off my leg aft 6 months and I felt free and had been taking very long walks on a cushy track….felt fit again. Came back from my walk and was standing on the front porch talking on the phone with my mother, laughing my head off. 12 hrs later everything was as if you’d been sailing in the ocean on a clear beautiful day and then a rogue wave capsized the boat….and now the story is completely new. Do you drown, swim to an island, does a helicopter pluck you out, does a shark eat you, is it the start of a whole new direction in life? I don’t know because I’m treading water and thinking it through.