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Entertainment | 03/14/2008 9:35 am

'A Friend Stopped By' With Suzy Welch

EDITOR’S NOTE: Suzy Welch is a columnist for BusinessWeek and O, the Oprah Magazine.


It was a week of screaming headlines — Spitzer, Ferraro, Recession. In my house, like millions of others, we lived them all; the TV blaring non-stop, the web surfing compulsive, the dinner conversation feverish. We heard calamity words tossed around like fly balls at Spring Training: Spitzer was a shock, Ferraro a disaster, the stock market a nightmare.

We couldn’t believe the combined hugeness of events — or the gut-twisting lessons embedded within. No man is truly knowable. Politics trump friendship. All booming economies implode. It was like the most mordant messages of Dostoevsky, Updike, Wolfe, and Le Carre coming at you all at once.

And through it all — beneath it all — in my house, like millions of others last week, we also silently lived our own little tragedy. Lulu died last Sunday.

She was my mother’s older sister — her full name was Lucille, but we never used it — and for many years when I was a teenager and a young woman, she was like a second mother to me, and in that role, of course, she was funnier, more understanding, and way more cool than my own mother. Childless herself, she had no concept of how to treat us as children, and so she treated us like adults. A world traveler because of her husband’s job, she brought home stories of China and Japan that promised a life beyond our numbing suburban sprawl. Battling manic depression — I now realize — she was frantically funny and startlingly candid, persistently making comments that left us thinking both, “She’s nuts,” and, “She’s brilliant.” I remember, for instance, one family gathering in the 70s, when my own mother, terrified of losing control over her three teenaged daughters, was raging against the “Free Love” movement, calling it a cover-up for promiscuity. Aunt Lucille threw my sisters and me a wry smile, took a long drag on her cigarette, and cooed, “Thank God a new generation of women won’t have to be frigid.” We adored her.

College came and went, then husbands and babies and jobs and houses arrived and took our lives away. My sisters and I grew up and older and moved away from Boston and Lulu. And then Lulu, struggling with her husband’s Parkinson’s disease, moved too, to California. Two decades passed, then three, the gulf between us inexorably widened. I called her twice a year, maybe three times, ignoring the fact with each contact, she sounded increasingly loopy. Her husband had died, leaving her housebound because she didn’t drive. And yet, she spoke of friends I knew she couldn’t have. She insisted no one visit — she was too busy.

By the time my husband and I flew out to California last year to bring her home, she was living alone in a tiny bungalow, desolate, hungry, feeble. When she cracked open the door in her nightgown, peering out in terror, and I said, “Lulu, it’s Suzy, we’re taking you away with us,” she fell to her knees and sobbed, “Thank you, God.” She tried hugging my ankles, but I lifted her up — she was infinitely tiny, maybe 85 pounds — and sat her in a chair, where she sat weeping, as we packed her life’s contents into two small suitcases.

We were, in the end, too late. Her dementia had grown severe, her body weak beyond repair. She lasted a year with us, then my mother, then a nursing home with hospice. Her death itself was fast, quiet, and we’re told, painless. Her last words were, “Air, air.”

I thought of Lulu’s off-stage life all week long, as Spitzer, Ferraro, and the recession played at center stage. I wondered how it was that strangers on TV could feel so important to me; I wondered about the meaning of a life that never made headlines and ended without a trace.

Lulu, of course, mattered more.


40 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Marie McConnell
So sorry for your loss. I lost an beloved Aunt just over a year ago and it’s rough. My prayers are with you. WEBSITE: http://mkmac4.tripod.com/ FORUM: http://doodlebug4.proboards47.com/index.cgi/ RECIPES: http://mkmac4.tripod.com/marieskrazykitchen/
By Marie McConnell on 03/14/2008 1:28 pm
Tammy Hickman
Thank you for reminding us of what is truly important.
By Tammy Hickman on 03/14/2008 2:00 pm
kat
YOU COULD FEEL THE LOVE IN THIS STORY. SORRY FOR YOU LOSS. SHE SOUNDED LIKE SHE WAS FULL OF LIFE AND FUN.
By kat on 03/14/2008 2:43 pm
Amanda Blue
I am driving to my hometown on Tuesday to visit my late mothers’ last living friend. She will be 99 years old on March 20th and she is still almost ‘all there.’ She hadn’t been feeling well for several months and finally had someone drive her to the emergency room on a day when she could hardly get her breath. They informed her it was her heart and encouraged her to go to a nursing home where she could get better care than she had at home alone in her house in the country (she has a 78 acre farm.) She only agreed after she discovered Medicare would pay for a three month stay at a facility. Well three months is up and she is back home on the farm and you have to admire her spirit. She is determined to live her life her way without her 70 something year old son or her late 60 something year old daughter taking away her autonomy and making decisions for her. She was smart enough to arrange her affairs in such a way that her heirs inherit only upon her death. I love to visit her and hear stories of how she worked at a GM factory with my mother during WWII and was there when my Mom met my Dad. She was a constant in my mothers life for over 60 years and now she is the keeper of the stories of the past. I have the old photographs and she has the oral history. I treasure her for that.
By Amanda Blue on 03/14/2008 2:53 pm
Diane Simcox
Very Sweet, (wiping tears), My 83 year old bi-polar mother came to live with me 6 months ago and while each day seems the same, they are all new and I try to remind her of this daily. Thank you for a story that hits home! (Depression Sucks)
By Diane Simcox on 03/14/2008 3:16 pm
Candace Wood
Thank you for sharing this piece of your life. I am leaving in a week to go and tell my very independent mother that I am there to take her home with me. I know that her memory and ability to walk are to the point where she can’t possibly be taking proper care of herself. I know she is lying when she tells me all she is doing. But I am scared that she will be angry and terribly sad that her independent life is over. Perhaps though, like your aunt, she will be happy that I am taking control so that she can spend her remaining days smelling the roses and getting hugs and kisses from the great-grandchildren.
By Candace Wood on 03/14/2008 3:16 pm
Ginger Richardson
That was beautiful. Do you have any photos of Lulu that you’d be willing to post? She sounds like a great old gal.
By Ginger Richardson on 03/14/2008 4:01 pm
J Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing that portion of yourself, and I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully she found peace and happiness again.
By J Elizabeth on 03/14/2008 4:11 pm
Deanna Alexander-Hill
What a great glimpse of reality that was. I felt like sobbing myself reading how grateful Lulu was to see Suzy and grateful that she had a Suzy. At the very least, a story of TWO great women there.
By Deanna Alexander-Hill on 03/14/2008 4:16 pm
Skye Blue
Oh, Suzy, how I loved this story. With each word, I was with you (and Lulu).
By Skye Blue on 03/14/2008 5:08 pm
Rosanne Badowski
I’m sure Lulu was just as thrilled to have you as a niece as you are grateful to have her as your aunt. This heartfelt tribute makes us all rejoice in those spunky relatives who have given us the spirit that makes us the colorful women we are today. Thanks for reminding us how lucky many of us are.
By Rosanne Badowski on 03/14/2008 5:11 pm
Judy m.
I had an Aunt Ida. She was wild for her time. She went nightclubbing,smoked and had cocktails. I remember her collection of glass cocktail stirrers with tiny animals on the end. My mother was scandalized by Ida’s behavior. When I graduated from high school Ida sent me black lace pajamas. For all these years I can still remember the WOW feeling I got when I opened that package. I couldn’t tell you another gift that I got! Ida died of a brain tumor some years ago. But, before she died she took a cruise to Norway,Sweden and Russia,places she wanted to see. This past year I too took that same cruise and I remembered her as I sat on the balcony and watched the sea go by.
By Judy m. on 03/14/2008 5:19 pm
Talu Grace
What a beautiful piece. Suzy Welch is perhaps one of the best writers for women of our generation. Hats off.
By Talu Grace on 03/14/2008 5:29 pm
Talos Twice-Wise
An ingenious piece that reminds us how unimportant the news is, how important those around us are, and the amount of suffering that we can induce by forgetting that. I would have loved to be in scene with Lulu more, to get to know her better. ilysm.
By Talos Twice-Wise on 03/14/2008 5:46 pm
sue  jacobson
Has anyone noticed that Suzy Welch is one of the greatest writers of our generation?
By sue jacobson on 03/14/2008 6:02 pm