Sign in to wowOwow

Enter the email address that you used when registering at wowOwow.
The password field is case sensitive. Click here if you have forgotten your password.

Please register for wowOwow

Newsletter subscriptions
Sign up to receive wowOwow's weekly newsletter and get our best picks delivered right to your inbox. Our newsletter content is hand-picked by the wowOwow editorial team and provides the top features, news, and commentary from our site. Subscribing to our newsletter is free and safe. We will never share your email or other information with a third-party without your direct consent.
By registering, you indicate that you have read and agree
with our privacy policy and terms of service.

Entertainment | 03/14/2008 9:35 am

'A Friend Stopped By' With Suzy Welch

EDITOR’S NOTE: Suzy Welch is a columnist for BusinessWeek and O, the Oprah Magazine.


It was a week of screaming headlines — Spitzer, Ferraro, Recession. In my house, like millions of others, we lived them all; the TV blaring non-stop, the web surfing compulsive, the dinner conversation feverish. We heard calamity words tossed around like fly balls at Spring Training: Spitzer was a shock, Ferraro a disaster, the stock market a nightmare.

We couldn’t believe the combined hugeness of events — or the gut-twisting lessons embedded within. No man is truly knowable. Politics trump friendship. All booming economies implode. It was like the most mordant messages of Dostoevsky, Updike, Wolfe, and Le Carre coming at you all at once.

And through it all — beneath it all — in my house, like millions of others last week, we also silently lived our own little tragedy. Lulu died last Sunday.

She was my mother’s older sister — her full name was Lucille, but we never used it — and for many years when I was a teenager and a young woman, she was like a second mother to me, and in that role, of course, she was funnier, more understanding, and way more cool than my own mother. Childless herself, she had no concept of how to treat us as children, and so she treated us like adults. A world traveler because of her husband’s job, she brought home stories of China and Japan that promised a life beyond our numbing suburban sprawl. Battling manic depression — I now realize — she was frantically funny and startlingly candid, persistently making comments that left us thinking both, “She’s nuts,” and, “She’s brilliant.” I remember, for instance, one family gathering in the 70s, when my own mother, terrified of losing control over her three teenaged daughters, was raging against the “Free Love” movement, calling it a cover-up for promiscuity. Aunt Lucille threw my sisters and me a wry smile, took a long drag on her cigarette, and cooed, “Thank God a new generation of women won’t have to be frigid.” We adored her.

College came and went, then husbands and babies and jobs and houses arrived and took our lives away. My sisters and I grew up and older and moved away from Boston and Lulu. And then Lulu, struggling with her husband’s Parkinson’s disease, moved too, to California. Two decades passed, then three, the gulf between us inexorably widened. I called her twice a year, maybe three times, ignoring the fact with each contact, she sounded increasingly loopy. Her husband had died, leaving her housebound because she didn’t drive. And yet, she spoke of friends I knew she couldn’t have. She insisted no one visit — she was too busy.

By the time my husband and I flew out to California last year to bring her home, she was living alone in a tiny bungalow, desolate, hungry, feeble. When she cracked open the door in her nightgown, peering out in terror, and I said, “Lulu, it’s Suzy, we’re taking you away with us,” she fell to her knees and sobbed, “Thank you, God.” She tried hugging my ankles, but I lifted her up — she was infinitely tiny, maybe 85 pounds — and sat her in a chair, where she sat weeping, as we packed her life’s contents into two small suitcases.

We were, in the end, too late. Her dementia had grown severe, her body weak beyond repair. She lasted a year with us, then my mother, then a nursing home with hospice. Her death itself was fast, quiet, and we’re told, painless. Her last words were, “Air, air.”

I thought of Lulu’s off-stage life all week long, as Spitzer, Ferraro, and the recession played at center stage. I wondered how it was that strangers on TV could feel so important to me; I wondered about the meaning of a life that never made headlines and ended without a trace.

Lulu, of course, mattered more.


40 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Elizabeth Golden
This was a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
By Elizabeth Golden on 03/14/2008 6:23 pm
Sue H
What a wonderful story - it brought back all the memories of the women in my family who have “passed on”, but I’ve been reflecting on their lives of independence, artistic and business endeavors. It’s made me contemplate my role in this thing called “life” and what people will remember of me. Is it amazing how people in our lives can leave such am imprint?? Suzy, thank you again for sharing a part of your family fabric.
By Sue H on 03/14/2008 7:31 pm
Carol M
Your story reminds me of a time so long ago when bikinis were new on the scene and the discussion of how they revealed too much was the main topic at my grandmother Maggie’s house. We showed Maggie the suit - then the discussion changed UNTIL Maggie came walking into the room with the suit on … baggy boobs and all! I’ll never forget it. It reminded of me of your LULU. Thank you for sharing your story.
By Carol M on 03/14/2008 8:22 pm
Tammy Moore
Probably most of us have had or has a wonderful person like Lulu in their lives. Mine was my husbands grandmother. We watched as those in charge of her placed her in one nursing home after another until my husband and I had had enough. I was so proud of my husband when he wrapped her in a blanked as if she were a small child, carried out of the home and dared anyone to stop him. He said she was there when he came into this world and was very good to him and he would be there to help her leave this world. We brought her to our home and cared for her till the end. She greeted him with a smile every morning and he tucked her in every night with a kiss. Sometimes she thought we were someone else and we played along. It was as if she was visiting with old friends and family because many of the the people she mistook us for have been gone many years. It seemed to make her happy. Caring for our elders is not easy, But it can be done. I thank you for being there for Lulu. She needed you and you were there. You will be blessed some way, some how, some day.
By Tammy Moore on 03/14/2008 10:02 pm
Beverly Ruff Haunty
A beautifuil reminder to cherish those close to you every minute and forget about those idiots in the news that command almost everyone’s attention. I have a friend with Alzheimer’s and it is so hard, yet so important for me to continue my assiciation and support of her, even though I’m not sure she knows who I am, and I also grieve for myself in the fact that I have lost a friend who used to listen and understand me.
By Beverly Ruff Haunty on 03/15/2008 9:42 am
skye swett
This beautiful story really resonates for me, as I recently lost my grandfather. He, too, was a radical in his own way, someone who showed me an irreverent way of looking at the world. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity now to have many of the people who I care for the most around me in my daily life, so that I can enjoy and learn from their generous spirits. Thank you for sharing this; it will help to remind me to be present in the moments which are time’s gift to me.
By skye swett on 03/15/2008 10:40 am
Christina BT
In middle age, It seems our own (irrational) belief of immortality rear up and we want to distance ourselves from those close to us who are aging, as if fearing aging as a contagion. We see someone who is becoming more diminshed at the time of life we are fixated on accomplishing. So we dont visit as often or if we do we tend to be more superficial do our dutiful visit and get back to life. However sharing life with someone who near the end of their life can help us prepare for the inevitable.. We age, become less able to perform as we once did in our youth. The question is will we choose to do so with grace or anger, bitterness and resentment. I have the privilege and honor of caring for my mother the last 2 1/2 years of her life. It was a gift to see a woman deal courageously with pain and loss. She celebrated life with everyone she met and provided an incredible model for graciously facing the new hurdles of another medical malady. My sisters and I live life more vibrantly along the path pioneered by our mother as we journey toward our own deaths with the example set by her. May we do the same for our children and friends. Its time we once again re embrace and recieve the lessons our elders have to share!
By Christina BT on 03/15/2008 10:43 am
Diana Marrero
Suzy, God Bless you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I know it’s hard to think of it this way, but don’t forget that Lulu is in a much better place than any of us. We do lose track of what’s important in our daily lives. I’m proud of you for taking her home with you. Sounds like she was very happy to see you and to know that she would be with family and friends. I lost my future mother in law just 2 months ago. It too was very sad to sit around and wait for her to pass (she was very ill with cancer). It hit me also, life is short & what matters most is to be with those we love. To do what we want, when we want & have no regrets. Suzy, remember only the good times with Lulu. Remember all the stories from Japan. Sounds like she was, indeed a brilliant woman!
By Diana Marrero on 03/15/2008 12:28 pm
Beachlady ydalhcaeB
I am sorry for your loss. That was a very heartfelt remembrance. Today I am mailing an Easter card to my mom’s sister, who is now 86. I like to remember my older aunts and uncles with pretty cards, always fun to receive real snail mail, I think, especially when they are alone, and missing their mates, and friends, and they are lonely. Sometimes in the evening, when I have time to reflect, my eyes are drawn to the empty pair of shoes sitting out of place in the family room, or the eyeglasses on a pile of newspapers. I contemplate how someday I may wake up to the fact these things may never be used again by my loved ones. It puts everything into perspective, and I am transported to a place of gratefullness for the here and now, this present moment, when my loved ones are alive and near……..and those things strewn about carelessly no longer seem to matter! The empty shoes, the empty chair, the unused eyeglasses, etc. I think I think too much!
By Beachlady ydalhcaeB on 03/15/2008 1:40 pm
Catherine Laws
Suzy, your poignant story of LuLu touched my heart. So many brilliant women play a decisive role in depicting whom we become. Their imprint remains in our hearts forever recalling moments of memorable bliss from the little things they said and did. How amazing to remember the joyfulness they gave us over the years. Losing Lulu is like losing a part of oneself, I am sorry for your family’s loving loss. Yes, tabloid living reminds us of of the joys and follies occurring all around us. Yet, the importance in real life is to always remember to treat those we care about with love and concern each and every day. Caterina
By Catherine Laws on 03/15/2008 3:35 pm
martha frankel
i can barely see through my tears. this is the cautionary tale none of us wants to hear—- that when we love someone, we have to be there for them. i had my own Lulu, a daring, funny, also childless woman, who molded my life in many important ways. thank you for this wonderful story.
By martha frankel on 03/15/2008 3:35 pm
Tammy Moore
Death can be a difficult subject to discuss. Most people I know fear death. These same people seem to fear life as well. I believe we all get a ride on the merry-go-round of life and some get off before others. The next ride could be a wild rollercoaster or a boat ride through paradise.
By Tammy Moore on 03/15/2008 6:10 pm
SJ M
Suzy’s piece reminds me of one of my mother’s dear friends who died about 8 years ago. Joyce was not exactly a second mother to me but she was more than a friend. Our relationship was much less complicated than that of a mother and daughter but she was as close as anyone in my immediate family. She treated me like an adult from the time I was a teenager which made me treasure her all the more. She possessed an independent spirit and was more adventurous than my mother. She even managed to get my mother to try some things she wouldn’t have if Joyce hadn’t cajoled her into them. When Joyce was with us, I felt more at ease with my mother. Joyce had been ill with cancer on and off for several years and I had neglected to visit her when I was in the state in which she lived. I think I wanted to avoid seeing her ill as she had always been one of the most alive people I knew. When she died, I thought my heart would break and time hasn’t seemed to lessen that pain yet. Suzy reminded me of how lucky I am to have had this special woman in my life. I cherish the memories I have of Joyce and realize that she had a strong impact on the woman I have become.
By SJ M on 03/15/2008 7:27 pm
Vickie Wright
Reading this heartfelt article couldn’t have come at a better time. My Aunt Josephine, the oldest living sister in my Father’s family, is slipping into dementia. She is one of thirteen siblings. Although my parents weren’t very fond on me, she took a special interest and saw something that others didn’t. She always took interest in me. She made me feel that her long journey to my grandparents farm was also to see how I was doing. She has been and is a role model for me. When she spoke to me I hung on every word as if I was the privileged one to receive the teachings from this great woman of wisdom and steadfast faith. I felt so ugly and felt safe enough to express this to her. She began by saying how pretty I was and you should always focus on what you have and not what you don’t have. She began to point out my big blue eyes and my creamy complexion. That little lesson raised my self esteem to a new healthy level and at age 50 I still remember her words when I see infinite flaws on myself. She never raised her voice even in times of tense moments. She always had words of encouragement, a beautiful smille and a boisterous laugh that was infectious. She has had such a positive impact on my life. She is truly an angel on earth.
By Vickie Wright on 03/15/2008 8:50 pm
Patrick Brooks
Reading this story, it brought home to me the very significant differences there are between a man and a woman. This story could not have been written by a man, neither would the warm hearted responses. Alas, we are pragmatic and, substantially, lack sentiment. Ask you husband, better half or call it what you will. I will be most interested in hearing the comments.
By Patrick Brooks on 03/16/2008 4:22 am