Cynthia McFadden | 07/17/2008 8:55 am

Someone From Somewhere: An Adoption Story

What does it mean to be someone from somewhere? That question has been very much on my mind since last fall. I am adopted. Years ago, I decided I was not going to look for my biological parents. I had had a lucky and happy childhood. And somehow it felt disloyal to ask for more. Even though my parents told me they’d be supportive if I wanted to investigate, I suspected it would still feel like a betrayal to them. I certainly understood and respected the decision of others who wanted to seek out their own biological roots, but I had decided it just wasn’t for me. "I don’t want to borrow trouble," was my stock answer when people asked why I’d never looked. Even after the birth of my first known biological relative, my darling little boy, Spencer, I still didn’t search out the past. Anyway, I thought the issue was settled. Case closed.

I understood how it seemed to a nine-year-old. Of course I was from somewhere, just somewhere unknown.

Over the years, I have done a good deal of reporting on various issues related to adoption. I had interviewed Barbara Walter’s wonderful adopted daughter, Jackie, for a special on the subject (among her thoughts: it was harder to be the daughter of someone famous than to have been adopted), and just last summer, I filed an hour-long documentary about two young women who decided to place their babies in open adoptions. Needless to say, my own situation informed much of my reporting on these and other stories, but it wasn’t until last November that I really got my breath taken away, my certainty shaken.

It started at home. My favorite doorman welcomed me home from work one day with an unexpected greeting: "Ms. McFadden, I didn’t know you were adopted!" "Really, John, well yes I am." By the time I got to the elevator I turned, "And why, might I ask, do you know now?" "Well," came the reply, "I was sorting the mail when Spencer got home from school. I asked him about his father’s last name. He said his dad’s family was from England and Ireland. I asked him if McFadden wasn’t Irish too … and Spencer said, ‘My mother is from nowhere. She’s adopted.’"

It stung. From nowhere? I opened the apartment door. "Hey, Spence," I called, "let’s talk. Do you really think I’m from NOwhere?" "Well," he said slowly, "no offense Mom," long pause, "but you are." I understood how it seemed to a nine-year-old. Of course I was from somewhere, just somewhere unknown. I dropped it.

And then synchronicity or fate or whatever you want to call it stepped in. Within days my colleagues at "Nightline" asked me to do a story about a 43-year-old woman — named Cynthia — who had decided to search for her birth mother. Her nine-year-old son had been diagnosed with cancer. With some real trepidation, I agreed. It became a remarkable emotional journey, for her and for me. Tonight on ABC News’s "Nightline" [Thursday, July 17, 2008 at 11:35pm (ET/PT)] I will tell her story. Click here for more information on tonight’s ‘Nightline’: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=5389436&page=1.

I hope you’ll let me know your thoughts.

Read more about: Adoption, Family, Journalism, Nightline

36 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

As most everyone here knows, I had two sets of parents, biological and adoptive. I knew my birth parents because I was with my birth mother until I was 14. When in college I was part time nanny to two families that had birth children and adopted children. None of those children ever wanted to find their biologica parents. They had great childhoods and wonderful parents. I guess I wonder what difference it will make to seek out the biological parents for medical history. There was no breast cancer in my family, and I had it anyway. Will it make that much difference in treating the child’s cancer if they know the history? The treatment will be the treatment no matter what is in the background. Maybe there can be preventative steps to take for other predispositions, but just because others in your family have had something doesn’t mean that you will. If you eat well, exercise and get rest and stay healthy, won’t that prevent illness more than knowing what your biological parents had? My concern is that it will then prompt a whole movement to have families and babies tested before they are adopted. If there is something in the family background that could point to illness, then maybe certain children will not be adopted. That would be a tragedy for those children. It seems as a nation with so much information at our disposal, we go crazy with it. Hypervigilence sets in to make sure everything is safe and we won’t have problems. We will have problems, and we will meet them as best we can. That is life. The tide comes in and leaves something on the shore, and the tide goes out and takes something with it. My mother always called me her ‘gift from the sea’. I just hope this will not change people’s ideas about adoption. Do the doctors want to know so that they can fill out their forms better? What does it serve? I am not saying don’t go find out - just want to understand it better. I will try to watch tonight.

By Frannie Em on 07/17/2008 11:14 am

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Frannie, as an adoptive mom and former foster mom, I share your concerns. I saw too many wonderful kids languishing because they were considered “unadoptable”. I’d hate to see that population increase. Your mom sounds really great - what a great way she describes how you came to be her daughter.

By Lorraine Bates on 07/17/2008 3:49 pm

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One problem I have run into regarding the medical aspects, or lack of an adoptees medical history, mine in particular, is that my insurance will not cover many tests without current symptoms or a family history of the disease.

There are no general sweeping genetic tests that can be done to date to find dna markers for most diseases. Maybe one day.

My advice for those that are not permitted to know their biological families names in order to contact them and ask them about their past and current medical history - LIE, lie like a dog, and don’t mention you are adopted (no one will ever know unless you tell, it’s hidden legally, they could never find out with out DNA tests) Claim to have every illness that there is in your family history, check yes to the entire list. Then the doctor is able to order tests that will often be approved by insurance companies. Of course your insurance premiums are likely to be a bit higher, if you can even get it. But you can always tell the truth and just pay cash if ya can for what ever test you want!

I’d never ask my parents (or my government) to exile their entire biological family from their lives, throughout eternity, in order to be a part of my family. I’ll never ever understand why this is expected of adoptees largely by the general public. My love and gratitude towards my adoptive family has absolutely nothing to do with my biology. I even have enough love in my heart for all of my family, imagine that.

I hope and pray that many of the ideas and understandings of adoption that most in our society have in general DO change for the better.

Not that people would decide against adopting children who need a loving family, but that they decide to be honest and open and stop keeping secrets and working so dilligently to push the adoption machine to procure infants for prospective adopted parents, quite often unethically, and quite often with millions of our tax dollars backing it. A demand creates a supply, especially when it is a big business like adoption is in this country today.

I hope the first change in adoption, is to open original birth certificates to adult adoptees and/or their guardians/adoptive parents. No more secrets! Better yet, find a new way to record births and adoptions with out falsifying the record of birth.

Even if all records were opened today, if you don’t know your’re adopted, you won’t know to go get your original. It’s entirely possible to never know, unless someone tells you. And lots of people still don’t currently tell, even tho decades of research shows how humane and important telling is. A big group of no-tellers lately has become the group of ‘donated" embryo born children. Often annoymously donated, also known as Dark Angels. (you can’t adopt an embryo, after birth you adopt the baby, birth records are changed and originals sealed) With pics of mom’s delivery, the birth record stating the same, who would guess they weren’t biologically related?

Next is to take the often huge amount of money out of adoption and seek loving families for children in need, not to provide children for parents in need.

I hope another change is to give complete information about a childs’ background and ongoing medical history to foster and adoptive parents. It’s not fair to keep secrets and place children with people who may not be the best match to help them. It doesn’t seem fair to trick parents into taking a child into their family when medical and emotional issues are known, but not shared. It’s so damaging to everyone involved. Full disclosure! No uninformed decisions. No more secrets!

How about making open adoptions enforceable by law. So many mothers choose open or semi-open adoption, which is felt to be best for baby, and family. Where they would never choose a closed adoption. Problem is, many adoptive parents promise ongoing updates or contact, but once they adoption is finalized, they can stop contact at any time giving the mother and child no legal leg to stand on. Kind of tricky, coercive, if you ask me.

Oh, I forgot the "thing": I had a great childhood, my wonderful adoptive family and I are still very close, closer than ever, I love them dearly. I integrated successfully into my adopted family, I am currently a successful independant adult, tax payer, home owner, business owner, wife of 25 years and mother of two. The only "bad" or "negative" experience I have had with adoption is my secret sealed original birth record held from me by my government.

All that really has nothing to do with the fact that I have Always wanted to know my biological family, always, and not just for medical history! And there is not a thing wrong with that!

By Woodsy Gal on 09/28/2009 1:08 pm

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I was an unmarried 16 year old in 1975 and gave my son up for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made and I missed him every day of his life. A piece of my heart has been missing ever since he was born. Last year he found me and it has been one of the the most wonderful things ever to have happened to me. We are very close - we are so similar in character it is almost unbelievable and we both fulfill a need in each other which no one else can satisfy. He says he considers himself very lucky to have two mums! His adoption was successful although his parents divorced when he was young and he told me, very early on in our reunion, that his mum was always open with him and told him as much as she knew about his backgound. He says that for him, openness and honesty are the key to surviving testing times in any relationship but particularly in adoption as there is so much secrecy surrounding it. He thought long and hard before starting to search for me but for us it has been a success story and we are at the start of a long and happy journey through this life together.

By Stephen Burns on 07/17/2008 4:22 pm

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I have found a “twist” on this issue, which is that I’ve been doing genealogy research, and have discovered some surprising family issues. Specifically, I found out that my late mother’s maiden name was “taken” by her grandfather, who was illegitimate. He was born a few years after the Civil War, and he took the surname of his mother’s husband who died in the War. I inherited my mother’s genealogy materials, in which she had done extensive research on her surname, going all the way back to Germany, but now I know that she is not related by blood at all to that family. I will never know whether she realized this or not - she must have known, since she knew that the soldier died in the Civil War, and that her grandfather was born several years later. And yet, she invested a great deal of time and energy into researching a family connection she should have known was not a blood connection. Or, perhaps she simply felt that she had a valid right to call herself by that name? It’s made me ponder a lot about who “owns” a name, or a family connection. And - how many generations back does it “matter” or not?

By Taffy Davenport on 07/17/2008 8:03 pm

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I was the eldest in my family, and I do look some like my family but I was always ignored, told that I didn’t fit and all the things that often puts a child on the outside of a family. Then one day when I said something to my grandmothers as a teenager she stopped and looked at me for a long time. “You are so like Bill, Uncle Bill that is.” she said. Bill was my Dad’s brother. Since then I have always wondered if I was adopted. No one is slive to let me know anymore, but after seeing this Nightline show I really wish I would have acted sooner to find out! Good show and great subject!

By Chris Broersma on 07/17/2008 11:08 pm

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Having just adopted my twin greatgrandsons and going through all that involves, I know what a trauma it is on all sides. The pain the parents went through and the fear that I have that someone they may want to go back to their mother. I have only had them for a year but they are as close to my heart as my own adult children. One of the deciding points in my adopting them was the fact that they were drug babies and I was told by a caseworker that this would make it hard to adopt them out. They show no signs of disabilities at age two, but because so little is known about the long term effects of meth nobody knows what will happpen to them later on. Cynthia - if you are an example of love concurring all then my heart can rest a little easier. I will never keep my granddaughter (the boys’ mother) from seeing the boys - I am just glad I have the legal papers to make sure I get to make the decisions involving their life. Stephen Burns - your story gives me hope that the boys can be happy with their mother as adults. She really is a sweet girl - just messed up on drugs right now.

By Maggi D on 07/18/2008 1:11 am

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Maggie - thank you for your comment. My name is Moira by the way! (I my husbands e mail address to post). My feeling is that adopted people - adults or children - need access to, or information about all the different members of their familes, adoptive or birth. Your support and honesty will make this so much easier for them. They are lucky to have you and you them. My son has had no contact with his German adoptive father for 22 years, but they have recently met up and, after talking it through with me, it has helped him to realise how important it is that he gets to know the German side of his famly too. At some point he will also trace his birth father but at the moment has enough on his plate with me! There is a lovely quote in one of the books I have been reading which says ‘There are two lasting bequests we give our children - one is roots and the other wings. Adoptees need both sets of parents of they are to have roots and wings’.

By Stephen Burns on 07/18/2008 4:26 am

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Just watched the program and the tears came at the phone call. I got a personal answer from this program that I will always be thankful for. When Cynthia (the adopted woman) was talking to the woman at the agency she was informed that the mother seemed to care because she would not sign her daughter away until she knew that she was getting a good home. I have had caseworkers and family members that disagree with my keeping the court records of my greatgrandsons’ case. It shows that their mother did try several times to fight for her right to keep them, she just kept failing drug tests. That is something I think they need to know when they get older. Thank you so much for bring this to our attention. I don’t watch Nightline that much anymore. No reason - just slipped over to other things. Hope you keep us informated about upcoming projects. God bless both those women - the daughter and the mother. Cynthia was indeed a wonder when she was talking to her mother.

By Maggi D on 07/18/2008 2:17 am

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How do children feel when they are the result of a sperm bank? My step grandson will be in that boat. Anyone have and insights or advise ?

By Kay Sara on 07/18/2008 4:14 am

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There are many websites with people who were concieved from sperm or egg donation. The first bunch are adults now and are out and about and talking about it. It’s very interesting.

By Woodsy Gal on 09/28/2009 1:25 pm

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I also never wanted to bring on trouble but I felt as I reached a certain age that I wanted to have at least a medical history. I also didn’t want to have the door shut in my face. Being given away was at times difficult enought but to be turned away would be too much. I did find my birth mother and after several great phone calls in the same day I was gladd I had found her the only strange moment was when she said I love you, and I just couldn’t say it back, I said to her I understand how you can say that to me it is what I feel for my kids also, but I can’t say that to you right now. She said she understood and the call was over. I in the next few weeks wrote her sent pictures of my kids her grandkids and got no response. several more calls just to be told she wasn’t there by my half brother. And then another letter. Still no response. She had done what I was afraid. turning her back on me again. I had even told her that was a fear of mine and she assured me that wouldn’t happen. I went though some very tough times as of this I had learned in the calls that I was one of five children she gave birth to, but the only one she gave away. I had always knew the reasons for my adoption but the heart can’t help but hurt. It has been over 14 yrs since that call and I had one more child and have 3 grandchildren that she knows nothing about. I only wish that when she found out I was looking for her she would never have made that first call.

By Diane Brixey on 07/18/2008 6:06 am

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Diane, I feel for yiou. I know what it is like to know and live with the effects that you are not loved by your parents. Not all parents are good parents - even thouse who keep their kids. Not all parents are capable of love or affection - two very different things. Not all people who give up their children for adoption do it out of love as beautiful as a sentiment that may be to hear. The truth is the truth no matter how ugly, hurtful or unfortunate as it may be. I am a realist. The problem for those who have less than the ideal family situation is how to deal with it and live a healthy full life. My husband was sexually abused by his piano teacher for a year while his parents refused to listen to his begging to stop taking lessons. His mother had emotional issues (2 fathers died and 2 siblings died before she was 10) and was unable to be nurturing or affectionate to her 5 kids. Although my husband knew that his parents loved him. These events have scarred my husband and reduced his ability to live a full life 40+ years later. My parents did not love me although I was not abused sexually. I feel that I got over this once I was in my 30’s. Although I had to learn how to parent by the “How NOT to be a parent” method.. Life is hard. Lots of heartache and imperfections to go around for everyone no matter what race or gender. If you can say you had good loving adoptive parents - believe me - you are ahead of the game. Do you have questions? of course. Does it hurt to be rejected again by your biological parent(s) - SURE it does. But can you imagine the scars of being raised by that biological parent without ever knowing the good loving base your adoptive parents gave you? Some people never had that solid base to grow upon. Now I am looking forward to the birth of my lesbian stepdaughters son in conservative Ohio- YIKES! What does that poor little guy have to look forward to in dealing with as he grows up. Sprem bank father, 2 lesbian Moms who originally stated they do not like boys and know nothing about boys (don’t know why they didn’t then select the sex of their child since they had such strong anti-male feelings or adopt?) Anyway- mine is not to question why but to try to make the best of what is. Life is tough. Life is tough.

By Kay Sara on 07/18/2008 6:50 am

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I am a birthmother. I was nineteen and pregnant before it was acceptable to be an unmarried mother. I wanted so much to keep my child, but did what everyone was telling me to do and place my child for adoption. Seventeen years later I gave birth to another son and looked him in the eyes and cried for my first..my lost.. son. I want all adoptees to know that we birthmothers did not always “reject” our children. Not one day has gone by that i do not think of my first son. I did search for him. I also joined support groups and met and talked to a lot of other birthmothers and adoptees. I did find my son, I was able to contact his adopted brother. But rejection can go both ways. My son does not want to have any contact with me. He has made that very clear. It hurts me, but I respect his decision. One day I hope he will change his mind. I have recently been able to at least see a picture of him and his wife and daughter. When a woman carries a child for nine months there is a connection that cannot be denied. I found a lot of fear of birthmothers from adoptive parents in my activities in the community of the triangle of birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees. The one thing that I think most adoptees and adoptive parents need to know is that we birthmothers (I am not a man and cannot speak for birth-fathers) are not all emotionally empty or socially unacceptable women who rejected their children. The children we carried are always in our hearts and every birthmother I met truly wanted the best for the child (or children) they relinquished. I am glad that open adoption has become more popular. I believe it leaves fewer questions unanswered and acknowledges the participation of the birthmother in the process. So, even though it saddens me that my son does not want contact with me, I am happy that I am at least able to know that he has built a happy life for himself and he will always be a part of my life even if we never meet.

By Linda LL on 07/18/2008 7:54 am

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Cynthia, My Mom was also adopted - though not “officially” through the courts. She didn’t even know she was adopted till she needed her Birth Certificate to enter college. She always said, like you, it didn’t matter, she had wonderful parents, and finding her birth parents would only cause them heartache. But - she did search out the Dr. on the certificate, pestered his “caregiver” till he agreed to let Mom see this old Dr. The caretaker had said the Dr wouldn’t remember, it was 18 years ago. Once on his doorstep, she stopped, thought again, and left! 30 years later, her mother told her (she was in her 90s) that Mom’s birthmother sent a message to the adoption agency asking to meet her daughter. Grandmom went instead, and found the mother was” the spitting image” of my Mom! None of us kids could understand that. If it wasn’t important, why pester to see him? And wasn’t she curious about her birth mother at least? And why didn’t my Mom try to find any information about Grandma’s visit to her birth mom? And WHY did she later send for her official Birth Certificate? (the original one was lost.) I have been doing my Genealogy for years now, mostly prompted by my desire to know more about my “Birth Grandmom” - but it was SO long ago, info is hard to find. Even with an “open document”, I have found only one possibility. Somehow, I see this search as one for my heritage, my connection to a woman who loved her daughter so much, she gave her up for a better chance in life. And she loved her enough to try to find her - when she reached adulthood & could decide for herself if she wanted a relationship. I will always wonder about who she was, what she was like. I will continue my impossible search for as long as I can, it’s a hole in my soul.

By Kathleen E Lo Pinto VIgnolini on 07/21/2008 12:28 am