Margo Howard | 02/05/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Silence Is Golden, but Only for Some

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By Margo Howard

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Silence Is Golden, but Only for Some

DEAR MARGO: I am a 27-year-old divorced mother of three. I have a full-time career and am also a part-time college student, all of which I manage well. For the past three months I have been dating a man whom I am thrilled with. (I didn’t know there were good ones out there like him.) I think the relationship has long-term potential. The problem is this: He talks incessantly about topics that aren’t of particular interest to me … things like current events. When I want to voice an opinion, it is hard to get a word in. If I remain completely silent (I’ve tried this), he fills in the blanks with noises like singing or little sounds. He’s also in the habit of having the TV on all the time, and I prefer it on only when I want to watch a specific program. I have a lot to think about most of the time and like to enjoy quiet moments. Since he spends a great deal of time talking and not listening, I don’t feel he is interested in learning more about me. (He does not ask me many personal questions.) At one point I discussed this with him, and he does not feel we are having trouble connecting emotionally. Could he just be an emotionally simpler breed of man than I am used to? The question is: How can I get "quiet time" without hurting his feelings? I am crazy about the man, and I feel we could have a good life together if only he would be quiet when it counts. — LOVER OF QUIET

DEAR LOVE: This man clearly likes noise around him, even if he has to make it himself. When you mentioned he fills in the blanks with "singing or little sounds," I thought he might have a neurological problem. But a neurologist assures me this is simply a quirk … annoying maybe, but not an indicator of something serious. I would guess this man is just self-centered with a few peculiarities, so you will have to weigh these deficits against the fact that you are crazy about him. If going into another room isn’t possible when he becomes enchanted with the charms of his own voice, you might try reiterating your need for occasional quiet. If he is unable to adjust, then a future together does not look bright. You cannot go through life with a chatterbox. — MARGO, TALKATIVELY

How Do I Refer to (Fill-in-the-Blank)?

DEAR MARGO: I know this is kind of goofy, and on a scale of one to 10, this is about a minus one, but nevertheless it’s the problem I am having. I never know what to call the woman who cleans my house when speaking of her to other people. I think she is a maid, which is what my mother called hers, but I get the idea that word is no longer p.c. Can you help? — LINGUISTICALLY CHALLENGED

DEAR LING: The name I like best is a bit ironic. An honorary aunt of mine always referred to her help as "les domestiques." Since that wouldn’t play with most people (unless they were French), I think the newer designations are "cleaner" or "helper." Some women who do their own cleaning refer to themselves, tongue in cheek, as "domestic engineers." And then, of course, dear Roseanne Barr referred to herself as "a domestic goddess." I agree that the word "maid" has probably been relegated to the hotel world. — MARGO, PROGRESSIVELY

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84 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I have severe adult ADHD, and for some reason I need noise around me constantly to feel calm and focused. It sounds weird, and may be unrelated, but it’s definitely a quirk for me. I can’t work when the TV is off unless I immediately put music on. I fill in pauses in conversations with whatever pops into my head. I even interrupt my husband when he speaks because he pauses too much for my taste. Fortunately, he overlooks that about me and we get along pretty well after almost 9 years. It can work if you can look past it. I hope LW1 can figure out how to look past it, if this is the the worst flaw the guy has.

By Toni Marie on 02/06/2009 12:27 am

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as emmylou sang, ‘Ces’le vie folks, ya never can tell.’ or such.

By gulliver fourmyle on 02/06/2009 1:49 am

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When I read the article, I thought the exact same thing! That guy you like is ADHD! It’s not unrelated to the condition to have noise, I think, my husband and son are constantly making noise or messing with something…it relates to ‘the fidgets’, the “H” part of the ADHD…Hyperactivity. I don’t think the man is intentionally insensitive, likely he’s trying to get out what he thinks before he forgets about it again. Overtalking, discoursing over random topics without someone else’s show of interest, and lack of thinking to ask anything about his conversation partner…not really surprising when you’ve lived with ADHD. Totally agree with you. ADHD is trying, but I’ve been married for 13 years! You can learn to deal!

By Malache Deux on 02/09/2009 9:31 am

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Oh, absolutely ADHD! My 13-year-old daughter has it. The chatter is beyond incessant, it’s unstoppable & it’s all about her! But this letter gives me another way of thinking about her: sometimes, when I’m bottoming out on the constant noise I want to yell at her about being so self-centered, even taking into account her age. Now I’ll try to see it as another aspect of her ADHD. After all, if she has to fill every single second with noise, it’s inevitable she rely on familiar topics!

If you can get this man to discuss this with you, he may be willing to take medication that will allow him to slow down & think before he blathers.

By amila lynn on 02/26/2009 10:02 pm

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Since they have only gone together for 3 mths. I’ll bet she will soon become weary of this as time passes. With 3 children also, she definitely needs some quite time. I have a feeling that this relationship will not last for too long. As for the other, I suppose this dates me, but what is wrong with “cleaning woman?” I still hear people using that term.

By Lizzie R. on 02/06/2009 1:10 am

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First letter: This may seem out of left field, but people with Asperger’s do that. Incessantly. You might want to look into that. Second Letter: Just ask her politely what she would prefer to be called. She would probably appreciate the gesture and it would settle the matter once and for all. Personally, I clean houses and as long as people don’t call me “hey you!” I am fine with maid or cleaning lady. Though next time someone asks I think just I might tell them “domestic goddess”! ;-)

By Kat Van Ryerse on 02/06/2009 1:29 am

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asperger’s—-strange form of autism—-hard to differentiate from ‘super-shy’, as both may seem ‘related-by-traits’—-i think it goes to early life deals—-they really hang-on—-

By gulliver fourmyle on 02/06/2009 2:00 am

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First letter- I love and need quiet and would never be in a relationship with anyone who talked a lot and needed ‘background’ noise. Would drive me crazy. The world is noisy enough. Second letter-The question is would the workers who clean the house, take care of the children, do the yard work, clean the pool, etc. prefer to be addressed by their first name, or last. It’s tacky to refer to the housekeeper as ‘the maid.’

By %$#@* !@&*^!! on 02/06/2009 2:16 am

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There is a difference between needing background noise and doing what he does. I need back-ground noise. But that is what radios or a low-volume on a TV are for. Chatting constantly does not, in ANY way, shape or form, qualify as merely being “background noise”.

By Shannon T on 02/06/2009 6:37 am

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I’m with you, Suzanne re: first letter. An absence of sound except birds and wind is essential for my well being. I’m wondering what it is about this man that she is so enamored about––she doesn’t say. If he hasn’t really probed into her thoughts and feelings I suspect he’s somewhat of a narcissist. All the women that I know or knew that had others that cleaned for them always called them by their first names, i.e., “Mary, my gal that cleans” or some such. The word maid seems anachronistic unless, of course, you are rich and have meals brought up to you on trays––with a rose in a vase––by someone in a starched uniform.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 02/06/2009 8:50 am

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I just use “housekeeper.” It seems clear enough and inoffensive.

By Anne McElvain on 02/06/2009 3:55 pm

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To the lover of quiet, Id be more concerned with the fact that this man dosn’t seem interested in learning about you. My husband also seemed wonderful when we first met, but as time went on the red flags were there. He is not emotionally availiable to my feelings at all. Conversations are always about himself and how he is affected by any given situation. I’ve had to learn how to relie on myself and not depend on him to comfort me. Its not a way to live an authentic life. I would not recomend a future with your man until you have done plenty of research on Narcissisim. You sound like a fantastic person and mother that deserves the whole package. Take care.

By belladora smith on 02/06/2009 6:19 am

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What a sad, but thoughtful comment, belladora (lovely name, by the way). It sounds to me that contrary to your statement about authenticity, you appear to be quite authentic. Your last comforting sentence to the letter writer I would like to say to you. And hope you stick around––we need people like you.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 02/06/2009 9:07 am

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Thankyou Phyllis Doyle Pepe for your kind words. This site is so fantastic I plan on signing on everyday. I love inspirering women! And Margo gives the greatest advice!

By belladora smith on 02/06/2009 10:34 am