Dear Margo | 03/04/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: A New, Creative Kind of Midlife Crisis
A wife whose husband has sex on the brain and a half-Asian teen who’s pitied by her friends get advice from Margo Howard
A New, Creative Kind of Midlife Crisis
DEAR MARGO: I am 43 years old, married to a man, 62. We’ve been together nine years and have a 7-year-old. Our sex life has always been great, but in the last several months my husband seems to need more. He is requesting that I "hook up" with my best friend of 18 years. She is gay, but I am not and have zero desire for this. Of course, he wants to witness this without her knowledge. We have fought quite a bit over this little brainchild of his. I have told him repeatedly that it’s never going to happen. He will back off for a while, but then starts all over again. Also, he now wants me to get completely dolled up every time we make love. I mean hair, makeup, dress, stilettos, all of it. He is also after me to go to a tanning salon. I have always taken great care of my skin, but now he says he prefers me darker. I don’t know when I suddenly stopped being good enough.
Margo, we have a young child in school, which means I am not even free until 9 p.m.! This is after cleaning a 5,600-square-foot home, cooking meals from scratch at least three to four times per week, doing laundry galore, plus volunteer work. Oh, and we have three high-maintenance dogs. Is he serious? Could you please shed some light on what is going on here? Otherwise, he is a terrific man: great father, wonderful provider, doesn’t care what I spend … and is always complimentary. This is bringing me way down. I don’t know what to think. —- BEWILDERED
DEAR BE: My goodness, the old goat certainly has sex on the brain and a lot of new ideas, doesn’t he? Perhaps he’s feeling age creeping up on him and therefore wants to live out all his fantasies. I would try something somewhat counterintuitive. Tell Don Juan you’ll consider everything on his wish list (except the gay girlfriend) if he will, for one week, get all spiffed up (minus the stilettos), go to the tanning salon, clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, look after the dogs and do volunteer work. That ought to calm him down. (And just for fun, one night wear the stilettos.) —- MARGO, PRAGMATICALLY
When Your Parents Are Typecast
DEAR MARGO: I am an Asian-American teenager living in a predominately white area. Most of my non-Asian friends have bought into the stereotype of the controlling Asian parent and therefore feel bad for me. One of my friends told me, "It must be hard living in American society with old-fashioned Asian parents," while another friend who was angry with me said I had "no right to treat other people the way your parents treat you," implying that my parents treat me poorly. Like any other teen, I fight with my parents and sometimes complain about them to my friends, but I do love them and don’t think they’re bad parents. Even if I’m mad at my parents, I can’t help but get offended when my friends badmouth them in an attempt to sympathize. How do I respond to these well-meaning but offensive comments? —- PITIED FOR BEING ASIAN
DEAR PIT: I would tell these friends, "You need some new stereotypes." Then, as a little instructive detour, I’d explain that your difficulties are really no different than theirs with their parents. If your folks were born in this country, that strengthens the argument that they’re quite "Americanized." If they immigrated here, you might say that they’ve made every effort to integrate their culture with the one in which they now live. You are good to want to stick up for them, and in the bargain you will be educating your friends. —- MARGO, ENLIGHTENINGLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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85 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Ok hooking up with the gay best friend is out. However, I’m sorry that Miss Perfect Life is asked to tan and wear makeup and heels in order to spice up her sex life. Get over it. Shop a little less and hire a housekeeper.
The rest of us who have to bust our tushes to keep the bills paid in our 1500 sq ft homes and keep the kids happy and the house clean will line up to switch places.
Some of you commenting sound like you are jealous that she is financially better off than you are and bitter about. Just because she doesn’t have to work for a paycheck doesn’t mean she isn’t leading a busy life. It says something about her that she doesn’t have housekeepers and nanny’s but maintains a fairly large residence by herself. That is a lot of work if a housekeeper took a job cleaning this house she would be paid a good amount of money. If you have a 1500 sq.ft. house you probably have no idea how much work it is to keep up a house much larger than your own by yourself.
Her husband is WAY out of line requiring the lesbianism from his wife but I think if he likes her to dress up a little it is not that hard to do.
I’m with the others………the Gay girl friend is out.
You are not Gay and it would be an insult to your friend to be asked to participate is something so stupid.
As to the rest…………You say your husband will give you anything.
Ok……..get a housekeeper. Have her or him make up meals and put in the freezer. Get a Dog walker.
Don’t go to the Tanning salon………that can cause cancer
Put on your best face………fix your hair…….wear your high shoes. Look like a Godess.
Take that man to your bed and show him what a good time is………..after all you are only 43….should still be at your sexual peak,
I would say a constant diet of this for a few weeks will wear him down and he’ll start yelling UNCLE! LOL
Dear Pitied,
Your well-meaning friends need an opportunity to realize that they’ve absorbed and exhibit some racial bias. Margo’s advice: I would tell these friends, "You need some new stereotypes." should work nicely. Be direct, look him/her in the eye and you might start out by saying that "I realize you’re trying to help but …" deliver the message and then simply change the subject.
Dear Bewildered
"Margo, we have a young child in school, which means I am not even free until 9 p.m.! This is after cleaning a 5,600-square-foot home, cooking meals from scratch at least three to four times per week, doing laundry galore, plus volunteer work. Oh, and we have three high-maintenance dogs." all of That plus you have to put up with a husband who is "a great father, wonderful provider, doesn’t care what I spend … and is always complimentary." Woman you need a reality check. Get out there and rub elbows side by side with some hard working Americans. After a week or three of 32-50 hour work weeks you might actually rethink the stilettos and be more than willing to find a high quality self tanning cream -or- maybe you’ll find that you actually enjoy putting yourself out there and making your own money. Hounding you to have sex with any other person is insulting and wrong - find a way to put an end to that at once.
i totally agree with you Christine. i didn’t mind dressing up with all the "trimmings" once a week or so. but every damn night? no way. also what if it’s not her style. what if she is a jeans girl or a hippy chick. some ppl resent having to change their style for their men. some find it insulting to have to dress up like a hooker. maybe it’s uncomfortable for her. i used to dress up like that for a special date or if i was with somebody for us going out. but EVERY night? please. i don’t care how much he pays to take careof me there is no way i should be put out just b/c he wants something special ALL the time.
everybody is getting all tripped out b/c she is a stay at home mom. when i was a stay at home mom one of my best friends wanted me to take her some where. she said, "hey, you ppl that don’t work have an obligation to those of us that do!" i said, "why b/c we supposedly do not work as hard as you do?" sorry but that is TOTAL BS. running a household is just as hard as working if you don’t have help. yes, those that work AND keep a house do work hard or harder than some stay at home moms. but remember the woman said she did volunteer work. so yes, she does work outside the home, she just doesnt get paid for it. so she is no different than any of us that work inside and outside the home.
we shouldn’t be snobs here. this woman is being over run by a sex maniac. that has insulted her totally by wanting her to have sex with her best friend so her husband can watch. the NERVE. why doesn’t he just buy some girl on girl porn and watch that. what he is asking her is wrong all around. i think she should think about a marriage counselor for both of them and as most would say "if he won’t go, go by yourself!"
Bewildered certainly is. She needs to realize that variety is the spice of life, and her husband sounds sexually bored. Good sex does not guarantee parties are ‘satisfied’. What she should do is to talk openly with her husband about his and her own fantasies to see where they might be able to compromise. Perhaps he will reveal fantasies she is willing to indulge him, and then he might stop continually trying for the lesbian one. IF she is uncomfortable talking about fantasies, there are plenty of self-help books with pictures. Simply put a sticky note on the pages that interest you and then present it to him. To ignore his desire for something different sexually will only make him fixate more on what he isn’t getting rather than on what he is getting.
As a psychologist, I can tell you from experience that your husband has recently begun to enjoy internet or ppv pornography. One of the very the two things that he is requesting of you (look perfect—and sleep with a women while he is a voyeur) are two of the very first request new porn addicts make of their wife or partner. I would call him on it, and then decide together how to handle this new interest of his.
You are very right about the fact that he won’t admit it. I just didn’t want to say to the poor woman to catch him at it, and/or leave the relationship. Too many people now days have the attitude that porn is just a normal, mainstream part of life. Tv sitcoms, and late night hosts talk about it like everybody does it. But it just isn’t true. And so many societal problems stem from it. Very sad.
You know, I am sick unto death of women saying "oh if he watches porn he’s a pervert". Its just fantasy and a lot of times, the reason men go looking at porn is because they want something more in the bedroom, but most women are too uptight about doing anything other than missionary.
I see it as no different then those romance novels ( A.K.A girl porn) I am sure a number of you ladies have tucked away for some steamy daydreaming. We all have read them from time to time so STOP being so hypocritical. Women are mentally stimulated, hence books. Men have always been visual so hence they look at PORN. Instead of getting offended try finding out WHY he is looking at porn. *Rolls eyes*If he cant look at porn, then you have to give up your romance novels. Hows THAT for fair.