Dear Margo | 03/04/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A New, Creative Kind of Midlife Crisis

A wife whose husband has sex on the brain and a half-Asian teen who’s pitied by her friends get advice from Margo Howard

By Margo Howard

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A New, Creative Kind of Midlife Crisis

DEAR MARGO: I am 43 years old, married to a man, 62. We’ve been together nine years and have a 7-year-old. Our sex life has always been great, but in the last several months my husband seems to need more. He is requesting that I "hook up" with my best friend of 18 years. She is gay, but I am not and have zero desire for this. Of course, he wants to witness this without her knowledge. We have fought quite a bit over this little brainchild of his. I have told him repeatedly that it’s never going to happen. He will back off for a while, but then starts all over again. Also, he now wants me to get completely dolled up every time we make love. I mean hair, makeup, dress, stilettos, all of it. He is also after me to go to a tanning salon. I have always taken great care of my skin, but now he says he prefers me darker. I don’t know when I suddenly stopped being good enough.

Margo, we have a young child in school, which means I am not even free until 9 p.m.! This is after cleaning a 5,600-square-foot home, cooking meals from scratch at least three to four times per week, doing laundry galore, plus volunteer work. Oh, and we have three high-maintenance dogs. Is he serious? Could you please shed some light on what is going on here? Otherwise, he is a terrific man: great father, wonderful provider, doesn’t care what I spend … and is always complimentary. This is bringing me way down. I don’t know what to think. —- BEWILDERED

DEAR BE: My goodness, the old goat certainly has sex on the brain and a lot of new ideas, doesn’t he? Perhaps he’s feeling age creeping up on him and therefore wants to live out all his fantasies. I would try something somewhat counterintuitive. Tell Don Juan you’ll consider everything on his wish list (except the gay girlfriend) if he will, for one week, get all spiffed up (minus the stilettos), go to the tanning salon, clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, look after the dogs and do volunteer work. That ought to calm him down. (And just for fun, one night wear the stilettos.) —- MARGO, PRAGMATICALLY

When Your Parents Are Typecast

DEAR MARGO: I am an Asian-American teenager living in a predominately white area. Most of my non-Asian friends have bought into the stereotype of the controlling Asian parent and therefore feel bad for me. One of my friends told me, "It must be hard living in American society with old-fashioned Asian parents," while another friend who was angry with me said I had "no right to treat other people the way your parents treat you," implying that my parents treat me poorly. Like any other teen, I fight with my parents and sometimes complain about them to my friends, but I do love them and don’t think they’re bad parents. Even if I’m mad at my parents, I can’t help but get offended when my friends badmouth them in an attempt to sympathize. How do I respond to these well-meaning but offensive comments? —- PITIED FOR BEING ASIAN

DEAR PIT: I would tell these friends, "You need some new stereotypes." Then, as a little instructive detour, I’d explain that your difficulties are really no different than theirs with their parents. If your folks were born in this country, that strengthens the argument that they’re quite "Americanized." If they immigrated here, you might say that they’ve made every effort to integrate their culture with the one in which they now live. You are good to want to stick up for them, and in the bargain you will be educating your friends. —- MARGO, ENLIGHTENINGLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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85 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Bewildered should check into a cleaning service for the house, and maybe a groomer for the dogs. Since money is no object, might as well put it to good use rather than just shopping. But I think one point was missed here. This behavior is new for her husband, and he is no spring chicken. Wanting her to get dolled up doesn’t seem so odd, but wanting his wife to get it on with another woman, while he secretly watches?! That sounds like one of those mental issues that sometimes comes with age.

By Jean B on 03/05/2009 8:35 pm

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I am in the middle of a divorce because my DH started with the odd requests…namely, sharing me with strangers. I nixed that right away. Then he stopped bathing and the requests got stranger. Last year he was caught in a sting operation for downloading child porn-and he had been doing it for years, without me knowing. I filed last month after trying to get over the shock for almost a year. Money or no, there is not enough—or ever will be—money to replace my self respect. Once the divorce is final, I’m getting a no-contact order. I don’t want him in my life ever again. Bewildered is right to question this, and in my opinion, I’d rather be broke and happy than live in a guilded prison.

weyrlady

By Christine Shaw on 03/06/2009 7:10 am

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Umm, this is a 60 year old man.Does everyone think he just "discovered" porn? All men have viewed some form of pornograpghy at one point or another,it is in the frequency and the effect it has on a man that makes the distinction between something normal and something abnormal. Wealthy men discover quite quickly that money=women(ahem,wife 19 years his junior)

This has been happening for the last few months? I would say hubby has found a younger playmate,whether it be a stripper or prostitute that he is trying to make his wife emulate.

Bottom line: She’s trying to be Suzy Homemaker and he’s reminding her she belongs in the trophy case,not dusting it.

By Meika from Mars on 03/06/2009 7:36 am

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Wow some of these comments to bewildered our somewhat disturbing. I thought that we as women had come a little bit farther than the judgemental comments being thrown at her. Her husband is behaving as a pig, why are some of you acting like this is acceptable? If the wife wanted to go along with him that would be fine but she doesnt and she has a right to say NO this is not OK! The lifestyle he provides her with should be irrelevent as to what he is entitled to in bed. Get a Grip ladies. Remember just because this is a blog the things you say represent who you are inside. That can be a little bit sad.

By Allison In Wonderland on 03/06/2009 8:22 am

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The Asian-American student who is having their parents typecast should let their friends come over for dinner or another social event with their family. Sometimes just seeing how someone else’s home life really is can make the difference.

By K T on 03/06/2009 11:29 am

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Some fantasies should not be verbalized. The woman on woman action is one of them. My husband got quite the chuckle out of the man’s request, and was surprised at the negative comments from the women on this site. My response to the old goat would be to provide a little man on man action for me to view, and then perhaps if he was lucky I would think about it. What a turnoff………..he needs to stop before the turnoff cannot be turned off. The dressing up stuff can be fun for both, but the pressure to perform an act one is clearly not interested in is all wrong.

By Denise W on 03/06/2009 2:20 pm

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I’m often amazed at the lengths to which other women will go to please a man, most of whom don’t seem "to get" there’s only 24 hours in a day for us as well, and our names aren’t "Samantha" or "Jeannie."

Fortunately my husband of 16 years is happy with me.

By Cindy Marek on 03/06/2009 2:57 pm

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I think I may have a better solution, tell your husband that you, also have a fantasy, of watching him have sex with another man. I would lay odds you will never hear about it again!

By Keiffer hungerford on 03/06/2009 5:38 pm

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I totally agree.But don’t just say it once - go on and on about it. And keep showing him pictures of guys in biker outfits and say you need him to start dressing like that.

By Lorna Fabuloso on 03/07/2009 3:29 pm

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lol, that’s a good one. what’s good for the goose is good for the gander honey! what would be even funnier is if he got mad b/c she suggested it. which wouldn’t surprise me either!

By Nancy Pea on 03/08/2009 12:21 am

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The worst part about Bewildered’s story is that her husband wants her to abuse the trust of her best friend of many years so he can spy her in a sexual tryst. That is offensive and a testament that her man has poor character.

I would never, ever stay with a man like that. Who knows what he’s doing to me/with my images in secret?

By kreine silver on 03/07/2009 12:25 am

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Personally I think porn is disgusting. I have watched it and cannot get into it.

By Juanita Freeman on 03/07/2009 10:40 am

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The point is, you, personally. Many women, myself included, *like* porn. I prefer erotica, however: the stories are better and my imagination’s *much* better than porn acting. But a lot of porn is interesting at worst, informative, creative, and/or amusing at it’s best. It can be a real turn-on and a great source of new ideas/inspiration.

I, personally, absolutely loathe "romance novels," however. Waste of a good tree, IMHO. But, if people choose to read them, for whatever reason, that’s their prerogative.

The deceit he wants to commit is the real problem, not the girl-girl thing, per-se. It may not indicate that he is dishonest in all areas, however, nor does it "prove" that he’s cheating. Many people find it difficult to express their "deviant" desires with their partner(s) out of a fear of ridicule or rejection. Too often they are proven right by a spouse/partner’s reaction.

There are lots of ways to incorporate some or all of a partner’s fantasies into your sex life, even when you don’t completely share their interest(s). Role-playing, watching relevant porn, and reading erotica aloud to each other are just a few. No matter if you’re completely "vanilla" or full-on BDSM, it’s the informed consent and mutual respect that matter.

By K B on 03/15/2009 1:39 am

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Okay…clearly, this gal’s husband is not one I’d pick. But I’m a little put out that he (and the writer, for that matter) don’t get the fact that it’s not just a matter of her NOT being interested in sex with her female friend. Is her "gay friend" completely indiscriminate and so by virtue of her gayness would want to have sex with the writer? Usually we hear this the most from straight guys about gay guys: dudes so irresistible that the gays are supposedly panting at the prospect of being with them. For heaven’s sake, if we get to pick and choose—why is it so hard to believe our gay friends do, too?

By Toni T on 03/07/2009 4:44 pm