When the Wronged Wife Tried To Get Even

DEAR MARGO: I had a seven-year affair with a former co-worker. It ended a year ago. Some weeks ago his wife discovered our extramarital activities via an anonymous letter (not sent by me). Our children go to school together, and his wife approached my 9-year-old daughter and shared her newfound revelations with her. As a result, I have taken her to court and filed a restraining order against her. Here’s my dilemma: I want to make her fully aware of the depth of my involvement with her husband. He apparently has portrayed me as a stalker and told her the affair was a figment of my imagination. I have plenty of e-mail correspondence to prove otherwise. Basically, he is trying to save his marriage because without her he would be homeless. However, I am not sure whether I should pursue this matter or just let it go. — CAUGHT UP

DEAR CAUGHT: Nice guy — and with a wife to match. It’s too bad the woman decided to give her news to a 9-year-old. And too bad this alley cat painted you as a delusional stalker. I think your understanding of the situation is right on the money, however. Portraying you in this defamatory light is clearly self-defense. Because you have the restraining order, I would not go further to prove this man a liar. It would feel momentarily good to stick it to him, but it would also ratchet things up a notch. Perhaps just as satisfying would be to get word to her — through him — that if the stalker talk starts to get around, you would be more than happy to share his e-mails with her, in addition to considering a slander suit. — MARGO, STRATEGICALLY

Generational Dysfunction

DEAR MARGO: My mother has been a mostly dysfunctional force in my life, very inconsiderate and hurtful. Her mother had the same eccentric ways and personality. As a result, my mother never saw or spoke to her mother once she was out of the house. Once, when I lost a job and became overwhelmed with insomnia and depression, I moved home for the first and only time in 15 years. She said she felt stressed having me there, and that I must find a "halfway house" because she considered me an "addict" for taking a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor. My father never stops her from behaving like this. He backs her up while staying away from the house except to sleep. She also says whatever pops into her head and does not stop talking. She is domineering and has zero social skills. Do I bother asking her to go to a family counselor together, or will it just be another painful, awkward chapter? She is very defiant about criticism and once set up a counseling appointment for the family but did not attend. She treats everyone with the same lack of respect and erratic behavior. I know she cannot change, and she discontinued both the therapy and antidepressants that she took briefly a couple of years ago. I do not speak to her often, but I have a hard time forgetting her entirely. — HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER

DEAR HEART: You actually answered your own question when you wrote, "I know she cannot change." The fact that she is repeating her own mother’s behavior and terminated therapy and medication says that you — and she — are pretty well stuck with her personality as is. Your current pattern of speaking with her infrequently sounds like the right one. That way you are not subjecting yourself to being her piñata. I would also suggest you not tell her of any difficulties you are having. You already know she is not supportive. Just be in touch occasionally to say you are thinking about her and hope all is well. — MARGO, STRATEGICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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