Dear Margo | 01/29/2009 11:00 pm

When the Wronged Wife Tried To Get Even

When the Wronged Wife Tried To Get Even

DEAR MARGO: I had a seven-year affair with a former co-worker. It ended a year ago. Some weeks ago his wife discovered our extramarital activities via an anonymous letter (not sent by me). Our children go to school together, and his wife approached my 9-year-old daughter and shared her newfound revelations with her. As a result, I have taken her to court and filed a restraining order against her. Here’s my dilemma: I want to make her fully aware of the depth of my involvement with her husband. He apparently has portrayed me as a stalker and told her the affair was a figment of my imagination. I have plenty of e-mail correspondence to prove otherwise. Basically, he is trying to save his marriage because without her he would be homeless. However, I am not sure whether I should pursue this matter or just let it go. — CAUGHT UP

DEAR CAUGHT: Nice guy — and with a wife to match. It’s too bad the woman decided to give her news to a 9-year-old. And too bad this alley cat painted you as a delusional stalker. I think your understanding of the situation is right on the money, however. Portraying you in this defamatory light is clearly self-defense. Because you have the restraining order, I would not go further to prove this man a liar. It would feel momentarily good to stick it to him, but it would also ratchet things up a notch. Perhaps just as satisfying would be to get word to her — through him — that if the stalker talk starts to get around, you would be more than happy to share his e-mails with her, in addition to considering a slander suit. — MARGO, STRATEGICALLY

Generational Dysfunction

DEAR MARGO: My mother has been a mostly dysfunctional force in my life, very inconsiderate and hurtful. Her mother had the same eccentric ways and personality. As a result, my mother never saw or spoke to her mother once she was out of the house. Once, when I lost a job and became overwhelmed with insomnia and depression, I moved home for the first and only time in 15 years. She said she felt stressed having me there, and that I must find a "halfway house" because she considered me an "addict" for taking a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor. My father never stops her from behaving like this. He backs her up while staying away from the house except to sleep. She also says whatever pops into her head and does not stop talking. She is domineering and has zero social skills. Do I bother asking her to go to a family counselor together, or will it just be another painful, awkward chapter? She is very defiant about criticism and once set up a counseling appointment for the family but did not attend. She treats everyone with the same lack of respect and erratic behavior. I know she cannot change, and she discontinued both the therapy and antidepressants that she took briefly a couple of years ago. I do not speak to her often, but I have a hard time forgetting her entirely. — HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER

DEAR HEART: You actually answered your own question when you wrote, "I know she cannot change." The fact that she is repeating her own mother’s behavior and terminated therapy and medication says that you — and she — are pretty well stuck with her personality as is. Your current pattern of speaking with her infrequently sounds like the right one. That way you are not subjecting yourself to being her piñata. I would also suggest you not tell her of any difficulties you are having. You already know she is not supportive. Just be in touch occasionally to say you are thinking about her and hope all is well. — MARGO, STRATEGICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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63 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Well, I met a man one day on vacation in Florida, we were completely enamored of each other. He told me he had been divorced many years ago. When we met in NYC the first time (we both lived in NY) at a very classy restaurant, where he had his own table — he said there was something he forgot to tell me. He was divorced years ago, but he had remarried three months ago. His words were “If he had met me he never would have married this second woman” and wanted to leave her for me — I said no, actually because I found out he had a bad heart conditon. We continued the affair, because I really adored him. We would date after work. He would drive me home to Queens always. Well, long story short — he had a fatal heart attack, so I was right in not letting him leave his wife. I would have been the widow. There ya go, I was the other woman. I did not set out to take anyone’s husband away.

By Rho on 01/31/2009 9:45 pm

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Are you saying the only reason you didn’t want him to leave his wife and marry you was because he had a heart condition and you didn’t want to be a widow?

By Marina B. on 01/31/2009 9:55 pm

Err - and news flash. If you’re having an affair with someone’s spouse, you’re effectively taking that spouse away, even if not permanently or legally, but certainly emotionally.

By Marina B. on 01/31/2009 9:57 pm

A little bit of medical information from a cardiac surgeon’s wife: Men with heart conditions run an increased risk of having an m.i. (myocardial infarction) when they have sex with “the wrong woman,” ie, someone other than a spouse, The reason is that the excitement level is higher/different.

By Margo Howard on 02/01/2009 11:22 am

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Marina, yes — I am saying that — because I already went through being a young widow, I was much younger and wanted something permanent. I would definitely have married him. To this day I think of him. He actually was the love of my life.

By Rho on 01/31/2009 10:13 pm

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You wanted something permanent, but were willing to have an affair with him while he lived? I’m sorry, that simply makes no sense to me. It’s not that being a widow twice over would bar you from “something permanent” more than the situation you chose, unless you were willing to drop the “love of your life” like a hot potato if the prospect of “something permanent” had wandered by. It seems to me that, by making the choice to remain in the affair but not marry, you de-valued the “love of your life” (because you were willing to trade it in for something “better”) and enabled him in living a lie for what remained of his life. IMO, you gained nothing, and lost quite a bit.

By Marina B. on 02/01/2009 12:14 pm

Wonderful advise to both women. I just wanted to add to HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER been there and had a lot of guilt about my mom and how I haven’t spoken to her in forever. I finally read some where can’t remember where honor thy mother unless she’s unhonorable. I figure I can only control my actions, not hers and she has a right to live her life her way. But she has always forgotten my same right. Some people are just so toxic it’s better they aren’t in your life.

By Tear E on 02/01/2009 1:08 pm

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Margo, Good show! You also have a good sense about you.

By Ro H on 02/02/2009 1:40 am

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Marina..In my opinion she did.

By D C on 02/02/2009 7:55 am

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I am a little shocked on some of the comments here about the affair lady…Why is it alwasy the woman’s fault. I work with men who dont have any pictures on their desks, no ring on their finger, and never talk about wife and kids YET they are married. They do so b/c when new girls come to our building they can “get with” them…There are also women in my building that do the same… I have known both sides of the story, men having affairs and women having affairs…I have known their reasons for it and agreed with a few…Do I agree the wife had a right to approach a 9 year old, NO…what her Mother did is not the fault of her daughter & getting the restraining order was correct. Now for the emails, this is just me, but you could bet copies would be made and sent to him wife, she can do with it as she pleases when she is done…I am sure this man has had several affairs and will continue to do so as long as his wife lets him get away with it. There is always 2 sides to a story.

By C Hardy on 02/02/2009 8:47 am

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The letter about the mother sounds just like my deceased mother and younger sister. Nothing I could do was ever good enough to please them. I took a tremendous amount of flak from my sister about not being there when our mother died. Note: they had zero problem contacting me via police after she died but hadn’t bothered to try to contact me prior to her passing. For darn close to 15 years after our mother’s death all attempts to contact each other were initiated by me in hopes that we could be a family. No letter was responded to. No promised return phone calls from her or her daughters came through. However, each time I spoke to my sister I was “regaled” with stories of faults of my kids and myself and reminded what miserable failures we all are. My mother’s last request to me? That I hold the family (major league dysfunctional) together after she died. I was supposed to be responsible for the sister and two brothers. I chose to ignore her request for the above reason. I had not tried to keep in touch with either brother as I was all too aware of how they are drug addicts and abusive. Having grown up in a family where physical, mental and emotional abuse was the norm I felt it was far to my best interests to have zero to do with those who chose to continue on a self-destructive path. The last time I spoke with my sister I was told about a brother who’d gone missing. Five minutes after that call was terminated I received a call from the police in her town asking about the missing brother! Not one word from her about expecting that to happen. I did get quite the earful from the LEO about how dysfunctional we are (like I needed to be told of something I was and am acutely aware of). So, here I sit with the choice having been made that I will not seek nor respond to further communications with them. I know that some would be horrified to think that I’m considering my blood family dead to me. However, I also know that choosing to be around people like this would be harming myself, would enable them to continue on abusing me on every level possible, and would allow my mother to continue her savaging of me from beyond the grave via others. My two cents worth to the daughter in this story. Your mom is seeking to justify her actions toward you as a way to deal with the pain her mom gave her. This doesn’t make what she’s doing right or just. For your own health’s sake get counseling to help you see the good in you. Sometimes a person’s worst enemies are those that society would generally consider to be the “nearest and dearest”. Meantime, make it a point in your life to be all you can be. If you have the time and ability volunteer to do something to reach out to others. It’s amazing how doing that can help a person recognize that they *are* worth far more than they’ve been led to believe.

By Valgerd Gydhja on 02/02/2009 9:39 am

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I really hate it when people characterize an affair as the woman being “incapable of keeping her legs closed” (Elizabeth’s comment). It takes two people to have sex last time I checked, and he was just as married as she was, so they are BOTH culpable. It sounds like she DID move on since the affair has been over for a year, and the real problem is that the cat has been let out of the bag by someone else and she wants to make sure that she doesn’t have the word stalker attached to her along with the word cheater. I agree with Chrome, she made a bad choice and has to accept that she contributed to the trauma her 9-year-old experienced by hearing the news, but I think Margo’s advice was very sound—don’t get dragged into the name calling, and let him know that if he wants to be even sleazier by making up stories to save his own butt, she is willing and able to prove those stories false.

By Tiffany Milligan on 02/02/2009 9:52 am

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Thanks to all who commented on the APD mother - I’ve tried to keep the lines of communication open for 65 years and have finally given up. It is so comforting to know that I’m not the only one in this situation although my mother told me in five letters received in one day that I am responsible for everything up to and including global warming.

By Stephanie Chodera on 02/02/2009 1:00 pm

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Belladora, your mother sounds like mine. I understand completely. I don’t have a therapist but I’ve found contentment in the knowledge that my mother can’t hurt, irritate or otherwise control my emotions unless I allow it. I choose not to. As for the woman of the seven year relationship with a married man, what she did was wrong and I’m quite sure she knew it. Otherwise, why hide the affair? However, I hope she wises up to the fact that she probably wasn’t his first and won’t be his last. Time will vindicate her as far as the “stalker” thing goes. He’ll get caught cheating by his wife at some point and she’ll realize the creep has been doing this all along. If she has even a smidgen of a working brain she’ll know that every woman he cheats with can’t be a stalker. She’ll see the lying jerk for what he is. I just wish I could be there to see it happen. I love fireworks!

By ALICE JONES on 02/03/2009 10:14 pm

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Maybe Amy should be billed as “even more clever than Ann Landers.” That creates a sufficient distinction between the two that trade mark and copyright issues are avoided, and at the same time, it identifies Amy’s work as similarly helpful and humorous. What do you think, Margo? Wouldn’t that be much much better?

By roberta wickham on 02/04/2009 11:12 pm