EDITOR’S NOTE: Judy Bachrach writes for Vanity Fair, and is the creator of thecheckoutline.org, an online advice column for friends and relatives of the terminally ill. She’s a regular friend of wowOwow, offering her provocative opinions on topics from politics to literature. Now, she gives us her views on television entertainment.

“Lie To Me,” which is Fox’s latest and much-discussed and dissected Wednesday night dramatic series, combines two tried and true lures: An outwardly grumpy (but inwardly fabulous) guy with a British accent who can tell when people are lying just by studying their facial expressions, and a number of very pretty acolytes, male and female, who – yes – do have American accents, but are learning, despite these drawbacks, how to follow in the grumpy British lie detector’s footsteps.

The grumpy British guy is Dr. Cal Lightman (played by Tim Roth), and he should NOT be confused with Fox’s other outwardly grumpy, but inwardly cuddly, hero of the doctor-series “House,” whose star is also British-born. For one thing, Dr. Lightman, who apparently heads something called the Lightman Group, is not a medical doctor. He’s simply so good at analyzing twitchy lips, scowls and eyeballs that government agencies everywhere are, judging from the early evidence, lining up to employ him.

Within the first five minutes of the show’s pilot, for instance, we learned that: 1) The mayor is on line one, 2) the TSA and the Department of Homeland Security are battling for line two, 3) the State Department is on line three and  4) “Uzbekistan” is on line four. Dr. Lightman sees fit only to respond, in a way, to the importuning of line four: “Tell them to call back when they get a Constitution – a real one,” he snarls to an acolyte.

Naturally, like everybody else I’m a sucker for the premise. Who among us likes being conned? We all want to know when someone is lying, especially if it’s, say, someone we’re sleeping with or employing (or both). We’d be thrilled to pick up a few fool-proof divining tricks just by tuning in to some short person whose accomplishments are based on those pioneered by the behavioral psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman (author of Emotions Revealed).

On the other hand, I’m not sure that just by studying Dick Cheney’s famous sneer (or, for that matter, Kato Kaelin’s) we’re going to learn to do all that. Most people aren’t quite so obvious. Whenever things get  tedious or confused on “Lie To Me’ – and there are so many plots, subplots and lie-lessons crammed into each episode that confusion is rampant – the Doc turns professorial, focusing in on the close-ups of famous faces in order to produce a few cheap laughs. The most reliable chuckle-chargers: Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But so what? I still don’t know when either of them WASN’T lying.

Also – and I’m sorry to say this – but the series needs some consultant equipped with a large syringe and capable of injecting a big dose of common sense into every script. Dr. Lightman and his babe acolyte (played by Kelli Williams) are standing in a security line at the airport waiting to get their stuff X-rayed. A beautiful and allegedly brilliant employee of TSA (Aha! So Lightman DID get back to them), demands that Lightman open his attaché case.

He demurs, then backs off and opens the case, revealing … thousands in cash.

She says, “Sir, I’m afraid I have to ask you to come with me.”

The Lightman acolyte says, “No. Actually YOU have to come with us.”

And the gorgeous TSA employee (played by Ria Torres) complies – without a backward glance. Yes, she does. Simply abandons the X-ray machine and the long line of excitable travelers struggling with hand luggage, shoes, keys, overlarge jars of wrinkle cream and laptops, and floats off with her new British employer and all the cash. 

Why? Because Dr. Lightman told her to do so. Actually what he says is, “It’s OK. We already cleared your leaving with the TSA field director.” Needless to say, it never occurs to her he’s lying.

She’s now training to be another acolyte.