10:00AM

We were looking forward to spending the morning by the pool, relaxing in the hot tub, then a cold plunge, then a picnic lunch with some plump, guilt- and nitrate-free hot dogs prepared with thinly sliced organic scallions and Dijon mustard (also organic) mixed with just a soupcon of chili sauce. "We’ll never miss the delicious nitrate flavor which we so closely associate with hot dogs," I thought to myself.

Of course, I still had the shopping to do since I didn’t get it done on the third (I thought the stores would be too crowded). And the housekeepers couldn’t shop — they had their own plans to celebrate the Fourth.

Went to Whole Foods, Gelson’s and on down the food chain to Ralph’s and Albertsons. They were all either sold out of nitrate-free hot dogs or I suspect never heard of them in the first place.

10:45AM

Desperate, I even popped into the 7-Eleven. Not a total waste — never is, really. I found some low-salt, low-fat, "baked" organic potato chips and I got two non-trans-fat iced doughnuts to make up for the hot dogs I didn’t get.

11:15AM

Thought of a backup plan to our picnic. I didn’t feel like making potato salad anyway. Besides, I forgot to get organic potatoes — so that settles it: Plan B coming up.

Click here to see Lily and Jane’s photos from the Fourth of July.

11:30AM

Got home, found Lily rummaging through drawers in downstairs bathroom.

Jane: I thought you’d be out by the pool.

Lily: I can’t find any sunscreen.

Jane: Oh, I forgot, I got us a new stronger sunscreen. I threw all the old sunscreen away.

Lily: I’ve used that sunscreen for years.

Jane: I know, me too. And we’ve got sunspots as big as falafels. See, I’ve read there are some new sunrays that our old sunscreen hasn’t beenprotecting us from: UVS/UVA or UVH — no UVH isn’t right. Anyway, I was afraid we’d forget and use the old kind if I didn’t just throw them away.

Lily: Maybe someone could’ve used them.

Jane: And get cancer? That wouldn’t be right. I read there’s a sunscreen you can wash with now.

Lily: As you washed, wouldn’t you wash the sunscreen away?

Jane: You’d think.

Lily: Kathy Najimy e-mailed to check if we were coming tonight for food and fireworks. From her house, you can see displays all across the city.

Jane: We should’ve let her know before today.

Lily: I know. You were supposed to call her.

Jane: I thought you were.

Lily: That’s what I told her — that I thought you called and you must’ve thought I called.

Jane: Sounds reasonable.

Lily: If you know us, it does.

Jane: Listen. I have an idea. Let’s forget about having a picnic by the pool. It’s too hot now anyway.

Lily: Actually, it’s not that hot.

Jane: Well, but let’s forget about it anyway. Look, I hate to break it to you, but I didn’t find any hot dogs that were nitrate-free. I went everywhere.

Lily: Did you go to Wild Oats?

Jane: Wild Oats?

Lily: That’s where they have them.

Jane: Well, I’m not going shopping again. I haven’t been shopping in more than a year and I’m not going twice in one day; it’s horrible.

Lily: Are the stores crowded?

Jane: No, they’re empty. And it’s depressing to think everybody’s already settled on how they’re celebrating their Fourths — but us!

Lily: But we have plans —

Jane: But those plans included me making potato salad — which I am so out of the mood for now. So, how does this sound? We go to Pink’s for their legendary chili hot dogs. Then we go to see “Chimps in Space” at Universal City Walk. Then home to dress to go to Kathy and Dan’s.