A Friend Stopped By | 10/30/2008 8:45 am

Infidelity: Do the Math, by Dalma Heyn

By Dalma Heyn

Courtesy of Dalma Heyn

Dalma Heyn, MSW, is the bestselling author of two books on marriage (The Erotic Silence of the American Wife and Marriage Shock: The Transformation Of Women Into Wives) and one on dating (Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy). She is the former editor in chief of Health Magazine and executive editor of McCall’s, and has written widely on the subject of love. She has appeared both as author and social observer on "Oprah," "The Today Show," "Larry King Live," "The Charlie Rose Show" and "Good Morning America." Visit Dalma’s website by clicking here.

The lead story spread across the Science section of the Times Monday looked so familiar. "More people are cheating, new studies find, and younger women appear to be catching up with men," the blurb announced.

"Soooo familiar," my husband said, as he often does when a similar story appears, handing me the paper. Maybe it was familiar because of a similar "surprising" article about the subject reported last year in — what was it, The Atlantic Monthly? Yes, I think so, but maybe it was another piece somewhere else — they appear so often now. But always they come as breakthrough, shocking news. I looked at this one: After stating that some studies understate and some overstate the amount of infidelity because of the difficulty in obtaining the truth from adulterers, the article said infidelity appears to be on the rise — and that, "notably, women appear to be closing the adultery gap; younger women appear to be cheating on their spouses nearly as often as men."

Oh NOW I know why it sounds so familiar! I wrote a book saying just that 16 years ago! In 1992, inspired by letters from young women over many years for a column I was writing called "The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex," I wrote The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, in which I suggested that existing data were pointing to the fact that – yes — women appear to be having affairs nearly as often as, or as often as, men. (I didn’t use the word "cheating" then, nor would I now.) I noted that in the 1990 Kinsey report, 29 percent of wives and 37 percent of husbands had extramarital sex; and that Kinsey himself was the first to admit that his own figures on women’s adultery were hampered by women’s reluctance to speak up, while men’s were exaggerated by their eagerness to be counted as adulterous even when they’re not.

But I’m not here to say, "I said it first 16 years ago," but to marvel yet again at our intense resistance to this information — as evidenced by the banner headlines each time it’s revealed, and at our surprise over each new, better, airtight study when it reveals it. We remain in deep denial: Our belief that women are somehow innately, characterologically monogamous goes far deeper than we know, so deep that 16 years ago, I had to steel myself against some of the reactions I got for stating contrary information supplied by real women. (In fact, in an argument that will ring a bell, I often heard that women who had affairs weren’t "real" women at all. "Real" women were good women who wouldn’t dream of … and so forth.) I was called a witch on the "Larry King Live!" show by a listener who wanted to quite literally shoot this messenger of such heresy. I was thrown off a right-wing, family-values radio show for citing government statistics that displeased the evangelical host. (I think it was the evidence that adultery statistics don’t differ across religious lines.) Today, we’re not so violent in our responses to the news that young women, like young men, have affairs — God knows, we see it in every movie and on every TV show — but we still can’t quite take it in. "Really? Not just men? Women too? How could that be?"

45 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

this thread’s moved into a couple of different areas of discussion on fidelity. the one Joan brought up.. .the long term second relationship. which is the one I would not forgive nor would i have. And all other kinds of cheating. I agree with Deburca that monogamy isn’t natural. I think it’s hader for men. Especially when they’re in their prime conquering ages. And women in their prime live with knowing that the opportunity exists on every corner. So it’s difficult. I don’t really have “the answer” on this one. I think it’s flat out based on the agreements in the marriage. I tend to be more nonchalant than most of the women i know about this issue. Although not as nonchalant as some of the women i know who are in swinger type marriages.

By Chrome Toe on 10/31/2008 9:15 am

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I read my post and decided I’d clarify “nonchalant”. it didn’t seem like the right word. Because it’s an issue I care deeply about. what i mean is that i am not as black and white on it as some people are. I know that I woulldn’t “cheat”. but I think that “cheating” is based on the agreement in the marriage. I don’t believe my husband would “cheat”. But I acknowledge and it’s something we’ve talked about quite a bit in many different ways… that monogamy is not easy. not for him and not for me. We both see that each other are sexual people who have other people that get attracted to us and that we get attracted to persons outside the marriage on occassion. We tend to discuss these things openly with each other. What that means to us has not been fully disclosed in the marriage as we haven’t been together 20 years or anything like it yet. But we don’t hide with each other that we’re real people with real desires in order to fit the “mold” of what people think a relationship should look like.

By Chrome Toe on 10/31/2008 9:23 am

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First of all, I would like to thank everyone for the diverse discussion. I was surprised by the personal thoughts and observations offered, and I can appreciate the thoughtfulness and candor of each person. I read the article and felt that there are only so many ways to define what is right and wrong for everyone without coldly assessing each other’s situation. This article brought up a lot of passionate responses about right and wrong and negotiating the “rules” between partners, but for me, the truth is “rules” cannot be set without discussion. Many times, the upsets in a relationship (where love and commitment very much exist) have to do with not meeting one another’s needs, which can go on for significant periods of time. Being incapacitated occurs emotionally not just physically, and as one insightful posting stated, it takes two to tango, which means having fun, building trust, and fixing problems require efforts from both. It takes two to fix problems in a marriage… and unfortunately, there are times, it takes one to settle and still choose to love. Just because he or she chooses to settle does not mean his or her needs have stopped. And when you are lonely, it is painful. So an old friend steps up, or a new acquaintance notices you, or a flirtation awakens something that you cried to death so long ago… This is human. There is no reason to think cheating solves anything, but I could see how it could heal or bring alive a part of us that has been shorted. I am truly surprised no one discussed the loneliness factor. I do not agree that cheating is the answer. I am really not promoting it. I just seriously doubt that even cheaters consider adultery a solution. For me, the value of this article just shows the honesty of our gender. I don’t think anyone is seriously thinking (Oh, good… now I can go out and have that extra fun on the side ‘cause it’s more popular now!). I think women are able to be more honest in our country, and are embracing the ability to do so. It just seems truthful. Last thoughts, I am thankful that many women appreciate certain values and appreciate themselves enough to hold high standards regardless of any complication in their marriage. I think setting those standards and encouraging others is a powerful way to help the majority not run fleetingly in the wrong direction. However, I think it is best not to “hit below the belt” on this subject. We really do not know the root cause or the pain involved. We only see the end result. And cheating is usually a symptom of a much bigger problem. I think it is important to remember that. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.

By Beverly Bachoo on 10/31/2008 2:29 pm

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First, Beverly, congratulations on getting onto the best comments of the week — and getting your words printed in full - first time I have seen that, but yours were certainly worthy. . . and covered understanding from all angles. When I started all this out on the first page, I knew it could be opening very sensitive issues all around. . and the ones who may still be “the other woman” - married or not - I can understand might be quite reluctant to write in an open forum. Most of us are careful that we don’t reveal ourselves too much on our marriages either — again understandable. I do like making a divide here — as in younger people, I would say the happenings outside of marriage are mainly strictly sexual. . and I am sure they do not last 20 to 30 years. But later, our needs change. Yes, we need expressions of love at any age, but from what I have found that sex becomes a segment that can be quite small in the relationship - but there or not - but the companionship, the understanding, and the caring are probably rated most important. The word I don’t like is “cheating” as in the relationships in later life, I think there is a great degree of wisdom that has dropped in. These are mature adults and that word makes me shiver. For what I have seen are the most beautiful relationships that obviously make life worth living when youth has past. The truth is that we change over time. . and I dare anyone to disagree. We have grown - perhaps in separate directions or not - and we have learned things that should allow us to make better judgments. To - was it Elaine - who said “why don’t they get a divorce?” As you have said, there are many private factors with a marriage that would be weighed — and many - for religious reasons, health reason, family reasons, would choose to put on the front - and do - and stay together. I find that understandable. My favorite page in Conroy’s Prince of Tides was the last. If you haven’t seen the movie with Barbra Streisand and Nick Nolte, do. He gives her up for his wife, but sits there and says that there should be two women for every man in life, and two men for every woman. I understand that - and usually I cry when I watch that part. For yes, what we were as young adults are not the people we are as older adults. So much changes, and the wants and needs change a great deal. The compromise is staying in the marriage, and it is usually not be looking but by coming face to face with that person that fulfills your needs NOW, and taking moments in time — usually not much more - to make life all it can be. We make our own choices as we are individuals - and that is how it should be. It may make it easier if we say we are going to only live once. (But of course, I am coming around this way again, so I am perfectly content - thank God!) Joan

By joan larsen on 10/31/2008 7:01 pm

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Joan, thank you so much for your personal viewpoint. I think this particular topic brings out an opportunity to truly discuss our most vulnerable and private perspectives on who we are and who we are willing to be. I had the advantage of reading everyone’s input prior to my posting so I think that helped me look at so much more than just criticizing the ambitious players out in the world. I can embrace “living at the fullest” and that we “change as we grow older” meaning that certain attachments to certain values (such as sex) might change significantly over time. I would love to have my 24 year old body, but not the 24 year old mind so at 37 I already feel the shift in perspective starting… haha! Cheating makes me cringe too, both the limitation of the word and the act itself. Although a valid term, the word defines a very black and white perspective on an action that can represent so much. I do not want to miss out on understanding one another and seeking to better myself and limiting discussion to the “cheating” focus will do just that. I think the sooner we allow each other to feel the freedom to be honest, we will learn so much more from each other. Even on this subject, I want to learn what brings people to the decisions they make and the emotions they feel. I noticed another reader mentioned how few the responses were. I had hoped my response would encourage more people to post an introspective response rather than limiting themselves to the usual judgment call. No one likes cheaters except for other cheaters, but people want and need to be understood. I am open to learning more about my peers reading this article. I don’t want anyone to think I have labeled them and will dismiss them. As for your comments on the split, I have to think about that more… Obviously, the long-term relationship you are sharing about would be an exception for someone in their 20s, but it doesn’t mean that people in their 20s or 30s having physical encounters outside of marriage are not acting out. Thanks for the sharing.

By Beverly Bachoo on 11/01/2008 3:28 am

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Birds do it. Bees do it. Even Hockey Mom’s in jeans, do it….. Don’t need Noel Coward to give me the score on this one.

By Wine Warrior on 10/31/2008 2:52 pm

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Yes they certainly do Suzanne lolol

By f p on 10/31/2008 5:29 pm

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Women stray for sex … men stray for intimacy. Women get their emotional intimacy from their women friends … men get that from one source … their wives. There are, of course, exceptions but think about the famous male “cheaters” … Bill Clinton, Prince Charles, Donald Trump, Eliot Spitzer … lonely, lonely, isolated sad souls …. narcissistic to boot!

By Alison Carnie on 11/02/2008 1:39 am

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It’s a wonder that we can talk about these things (well, you can; I can’t). I just read an article on a young girl —13 — stoned to death because she was raped by three men. (Link below.) I don’t want my government to get involved in these things, but I would like to know what individuals can do to help the women of cultures such as these. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/02/13yearold-rape-victim-sto_n_140… 13-Year-Old Rape Victim Stoned To Death In Somalia For Adultery November 1, 2008 11:34 AM EST MOGADISHU, Somalia — A 13-year-old girl who said she had been raped was stoned to death in Somalia after being accused of adultery by Islamic militants, a human rights group said. Dozens of men stoned Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow to death Oct. 27 in a stadium packed with 1,000 spectators in the southern port city of Kismayo, Amnesty International and Somali media reported, citing witnesses. The Islamic militia in charge of Kismayo had accused her of adultery after she reported that three men had raped her, the rights group said.

By rocky rocky on 11/03/2008 8:03 am

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I have read all the “comments”, and I am a 56 year old woman, I have been married for over 30 years, but the last 13 years, we have not shared a bed! Up until that point, I was a faithful wife, he was my friend and lover, then as things happen in a marriage, it fell apart. And yes, I put the blame on myself, maybe it was something I had done, or if I had done things differently, but I came to realize that I had done all the right things, raised our 3 children, stayed at home and had dinner waiting, washed his clothes, kept his home, and never denied him sex! I thought our love making was wonderful, but well life always throws bumps into your life. My self-esteem was in the “toilet”, and I had gained about 20 pounds, then I started working full time about 10 years ago. I have been an a relationship with a much younger man, who is married, for the last 4 years! We fill a void in our lives, it is a loving and kind relationship, do i feel guilty, should I? That is a question I asked myself in the beginning our relationship, at this point in my life, I have been “awaken” from a long sleep, lost weight and feel wonderful! I have been made to feel desired and loved, it is what we both need and want, so again do I feel guilty, I will get back to you on that!

By Helen Sanchez on 11/07/2008 9:51 am

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I had been very judgmental of women who were not faithful to their husbands - until I became one of those women. As my wise Grandmother said, “No one knows what really goes on in anyone else’s marriage”. And, guess what? Other women were not understanding about my situation at all! As a woman who is unfaithful, you are judged much more harshly, especially by your peers. There is a “double standard”. My one affair happened over a decade ago; but I will never lose the place I have in my heart for “the other man”, who was there for me when my husband wasn’t. I know that my husband realized that he was neglecting me, and that this was a “wake-up” call for him. He knows that he came close to losing me, and I’m so grateful that we are still very much in love.

By okie girl on 11/13/2008 6:38 pm

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Digesting your’ views on this worthy topic, two thoughts kept coming up, and they are not confined to our femaleness. First, like adolescents, those who talk a lot/write a lot, are either defensive, or not being honest. Secondly, people change. We are sexual beings, and if we can examine life objectively, we’ll see that many of our adaptations to life, and our relationships enforces that which we must accomplish for the “greater good.” It’s just that simple, I think. How many of us has said, or thought, we never have the same degree of “bonding” that we had with the first partner whom we bore our first children with? Kind of like that … As a now aging woman with no lessening of passions, for years I have been loath to consider STDS but now, it doesn’t matter; yet long-term fulfilling relationships with men have sustained me for a very long time, sans the physical, sexual, interactions; who needs the physical when it’s always there, between “us?” At the same time, I’ve decline a marriage again on the basis of a reality that the man was needed quite desperately by his daughters - just a quirk of mine (but I was correct). One attempt after the first evidenced a grievous lack of “that stuff” shared with the first, like links with the “kids,” which however, diminishes, and should with age - no one told me about “that.” My personal brakes are put on when and if my activities, relationships, or time are marginalizing my time or efforts with someone with whom I have committed those aspects of my life. Everyone has a right to be loved, but also depend on someone else - that’s life.

By C jay on 11/18/2008 12:32 pm

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As Rita Mae Brown says “Monogamy is not natural, but it is more socially acceptable”. We live in an age where we interact with a greater number, and wider variety, of other human beings than EVER before in human history…Why is it so suprising that infidelity is on the rise? Gone are the days of ‘Little House on the Prarie’, where your nearest neighbor was miles away, and ‘going to town’ was a rare event! We have so many more options…not to mention the vastly greater number of opportunities! I mean, even if you try to be a hermit holed up in your humble abode, you are know inundated with mass media which constantly shows you what you are ‘missing’. As a lesbian, who happens to be 45 years old, I remember the times before cable t.v., cell phones, and the internet, times when—if you were gay—you HAD to either go to large cities with sustantial gay/lesbian enclaves, or try to find others like yourself in the small places in which you lived…I remember ‘the dance’ that you would have to go through—the eye contact…the mannerisms…the expressions you would say…all in an effort to find each other..to connect…often inthe presence of our unsuspecting heterosexual friends—It was exciting, and kind of exhilerating!!! Once we did find each other, we were much more likely to stay together (in small town America) because our numbers and opportunities were few. Today, the ‘code’ can be known by anyone who is interested, and finding a companion for the evening can be as simple as logging onto the internet, even for we who are part of the “10%”. What many of you might find supsising is the number of married (and therefore ‘supposedly heterosexual’) women who come on to we lesbians ( I don’t find this suprising AT ALL, as I tried—and failed—to make myself straight by marrying a man…even when I was married to a man other women who had husbands seemed to recognize me for who I am, and pursue…). I hope as homosexuality becomes more accepted and recognized for the NATURALLY OCCURING TRAIT that it is ( just like eye color, hair color, blood type, etc.) the exercise infutility that I undertook in marrying a man in an effort to become straight, will become uncommon. This act brought misery and heartache to all involved…and, yes, infidelity….I am, and always will be supremely ashamed that I did this (I mean that I hurt this man who—although he was mentally and physically abusive at times—deserved the truth and needed love too). I regret that I stayed in a terrible situation as long as I did, but I DO NOT regret the two beautiful children we had together…they are the joy of my life! Children…reproduction…this is why infidelity has been so much more demonized in women than in men….In times past, there were no DNA tests to prove who a child’s father was…Men feared infidelity in their wives because there was no 100% certainty of who a baby’s father was, and as suspicion, jealousy, and possessiveness are all too human characteristics….paternity has been a MAJOR issue since the dawn of time. Men who didn’t care about a woman or his children could walk away much more easily…He could just say “The baby isn’t mine”, and exit stage left. Also, it is a known fact that men who physically abuse children are MUCH more likely to harm another man’s child…it is like some primordial instinct in these men. This is why, even in the 21st century women (and children) are killed in the third world for supposed infidelity…such occurences give we in the first world a window to literally see how things have been for women in ALL the world in times past! So…why are more people unfaithful…it is natural, whether or not it is wise. Life in the 21st century first world is like eating at a dim sum restaurant…so many dishes to choose from…the challenge is seeing if you can make a firm choice, rather than sampling everything and ending up a glutton!

By Melanie Waldrop on 11/23/2008 8:55 am

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Don’t Judge… I am one of the married people you know. Professional, financially secure, kind, athletic, two beautiful children. I love music, art, good dining and travel. I consider myself successful and secure. Everything is perfect, but why am I so lonely? I am longing for the excitement of a deep connection and lost passion. I want to feel a spark. I want a heat of passion. I want to feel alive. www.FindNewPassion.com

By hanna brulska on 12/14/2008 7:55 pm

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I totally understand what you are saying. I understand the difference between content and happy. I am in a good place, but feeling that passion went away after many years of marriage and raising children. What it seems like to me is that when I was young, I was happy and had that passion. Now that I am older and have discovered who I am and feel more comfortable in my own shoes, I am merely content. I have made a trade off.

By Cynthia Cavoto on 01/07/2009 3:16 pm