“Now we have ‘hiltons people’: we confuse with celebrities. No one even knows how they became famous or, more accurately, how they became famous for being famous.”

That’s Perez Hilton, blogger deluxe, the self-titled “Queen of All Media” in the introduction of his wildly amusing (and spot on!) new book, Red Carpet Suicide.

Perez, was born … oh, why bother? He has dubbed himself Perez Hilton, and in celebrity culture, you are what you say you are. Perez refers to the current (and future) wave of celebrities as “hiltons” – lowercase h – because so many seem to have followed in the now-somewhat-faded footsteps of Paris Hilton. (Wasn’t it only yesterday she bounced coquettishly out of jail?)

Perez explains, “You see, a hilton is someone who is skinny, notorious, mischievous, hot, loves to party, dates a lot, acts gorgeous, drives drunk, poses seductively for the camera, rarely works, dates some more and doesn’t eat. They appear on reality TV and in bad movies, but they can’t act; they make records, but they can’t sing; their athletic prowess is limited to bedroom gymnastics; and somehow they are the hottest names in entertainment.”

Red Carpet Suicide is extremely entertaining. Yes, it is bitchy (surprise!) but without a doubt, Perez has a vicious laptop finger on the zeitgeist of what stardom is about today. (Michael Musto, the legendary Village Voice scribe says of Perez, “He’s the new me!”)

The chapter titles alone made me laugh: “Date up the Right Way” (Perez explains the “career” of Kim Kardashian, which was really quite helpful to me) … "No Moment Is Too Precious to Whore Out” … "Pretend to Give Back” … ”Have a Sexy Gay Hookup” (Perez didn’t specify, but this only works for the girls. Gay male stars are still the big taboo – ask the brave and divine Rupert Everett!) … "Celebrities Who Tip off the Paparazzi” … and “People Who Shouldn’t Procreate.”

Over the holidays, I caught Perez on CNN of all places, as one of the talking heads in an hour-long special about the big names of 2008. He looked cute, and spoke with surprising authority on a number of subjects – not just hiltons. 

After reading his book and seeing him in action, I can separate Perez from his infamous website, which I feel I must visit sometimes, but reluctantly. To be honest, many of  the “stars” are people I just don’t know, and there is a mean-spiritedness I don’t quite get. A few times I even went to view the comments on various stories and videos which appear on the site. This exposure to human nature on the web was fairly horrifying. On the other hand, this is the nature of the celeb/reality/Internet machinery – everybody has an opinion and now everybody can express it publicly, no holds barred. And so far, no legal recourse for slander. (Harvey Levin of TMZ says he ignores those who post comments on his website; they are “a separate entity.” I think Perez pays more attention to his audience.)

Perez himself loves being a Hilton and a hilton. And for the multitudes of celebrities he disses (many of whom, still and all, gladly pose with him at events), he has advice: Don’t confront him angrily. “Send me a brand-new Prada suit? Maybe. A lifetime supply of Pinkberry ice cream? Sure. But don’t attack me in public and order me around. That’s just going to turn me into an angry pit bull.”

Perez is confident that a “real star” like Angelina Jolie “doesn’t have time for petty stuff like that.”