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The Love Goddess | 09/29/2008 10:00 am

Lying, Cheating … Shopping?

Editor’s Note: Who is the wisest of them all? Who is more dedicated to your pleasure than anyone on earth? Who can help you when you’re going online for the first time to find love; or when your lover’s children hate you; or when you want to strangle your husband? Why, the Love Goddess, of course. She promises nothing less than celestial wisdom, heavenly sex, divine dating. Read on …

The New York Times recently reported a list of "money disorders" burgeoning as we find ourselves reeling from the economic news. Overspending is rampant, but so, apparently, are other "problem financial behaviors," such as underspending (hoarding, as if we were in a depression); serial borrowing (we all know what that is); financial enabling (giving too much money to adult kids, who are then not motivated to make their own) and so forth. People from all over the monetary map have these problems —including Wynona Judd, who used to buy, she claims, too many cars and Harleys, but now has her verhicle issues under control. But here’s what struck me, since of course I’m always fascinated by new data about love: A "problem financial behavior" psychologists have named "financial infidelity" — or "cheating on a spouse by spending and lying about it."

Please. By that definition, we’re all harlots. Ragingly unfaithful Jezebels. Unless you’re married to a guy who knows — really knows — retail, what woman in her right mind tells her spouse, over a nice roast chicken dinner, "Darling, guess what? The Prada bag I had my eye on was reduced to $1100, but I didn’t succumb; instead I spent a mere $400 at Coach," as though the guy wouldn’t still fall face-first into that chicken. Because most men don’t see the $400 as a good deal, assuming as they do that handbags cost what they did in the ’80s (that is, if they ever even thought about it) and that pretty much any purse in the galaxy could be had for less than, oh, a hundred bucks. Does a man who hasn’t bought a shirt for himself since the Vietnam War know what a nice dress shirt costs? A tie? (I tear off tags when I buy my man clothes, egregious cheat that I am, because otherwise he wouldn’t wear it and I would have to live with someone who walks around in tattered stuff from eons ago — and I do mean eons ago.) How about announcing to him what a sweet little pair of women’s boots (not designer, even) for fall cost? Or a moisturizer, for that matter?

I mean, look, the idea of hundreds and thousands of dollars on clothing and cosmetics repels us all. But men emphatically don’t get the maintenance thing — and never have. So why talk about any of it if you can afford (literally) not to?  If you must confess, perhaps do what a friend of mine does: "I report exactly half of what the item costs — which is just what it should cost!" so that her husband can rest happily in the world of shoulds in which he resides and has no desire to depart.

Discretion, in retail as in love, isn’t deceit. So don’t call this "infidelity," please. Which psychological issue is worse: Hiding the price of certain things, or causing a nervous breakdown? I rest my case. 

TLG

Have you ever lied about cost of a dress or a handbag to your significant other? Tell us about it below.

Like all savvy goddesses, The Love Goddess has her own blog, which can be visited by clicking here.

17 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Jeannot Kensinger
My husband never, ever asked me what the cost was of anything. I just did not have an occasion to lie. Back again to the issue of trust and being able to give each other the freedom needed in a great relationship.
By Jeannot Kensinger on 09/29/2008 9:42 am
Lucinda Herbert
Absolutely!
By Lucinda Herbert on 09/29/2008 10:16 am
Yvonne Faye
My husband knows better than to ask how much something cost. It would cost him too much anxiety. I must add I pay for all my own clothes, salon work, massages, etc. I believe we wouldn’t still be married if I didn’t. My husband is frugal and would just DIE if I told him I needed $150.00 to have my hair foiled.
By Yvonne Faye on 09/29/2008 10:24 am
Sandbee (FB) 54
Curses foiled again. They just don’t understand certain needs.
By Sandbee (FB) 54 on 09/29/2008 11:03 am
beth willis
Now, that is funny, Sandbee 54. You are the clever one, and thank you for your generous humor. Peace and grace
By beth willis on 09/29/2008 7:05 pm
Sandbee (FB) 54
On days like this you have to get what fun you can.
By Sandbee (FB) 54 on 09/29/2008 7:44 pm
EKA -
I don’t know, I guess i’m guilty of those “little white clothing lies”, you know, saying ” this old thing? It’s not new, I’ve had it forever ” to just make life easier for us both. I like to look good, he likes me to look good, he has no clue what women’s clothes cost. But I have a few ground rules: I try to buy some of those frivolous, I just need it because I’m having a bad day purchases with my own, extra money . If I splurge on a really nice silk jacket for a special occasion, I match it with pants from Marshalls I buy most of my makeup at the drugstore, I defy anyone to prove it isn’t just the same ! There is no compromise on my hair color !
By EKA - on 09/29/2008 12:18 pm
Sharon Rychlik
As long as you are both earning your OWN money and agree how much of it should be for bills and in savings ,the rest should be for whatever you want it to be used for. Also,everyone likes to treat themselves to a luxury item now and then,but I have known people with shopping obsessions that bought above their means and caused a huge financial strain on their relationship. When it affects your credit and your ability to pay your bills is when it gets a little more serious than a litttle splurge for the Prada bag!
By Sharon Rychlik on 09/29/2008 3:37 pm
Barbara M
I handle all the money and he has no idea how much things cost and doesn’t care as long as he has enough cash in his wallet to pay for lunch at work. I don’t discuss costs with him. He learned long ago (and is currently teaching our 2 sons) that the proper response to being shown a new purchase by the woman you love is: “Wow, that will look great on you!”.
By Barbara M on 09/29/2008 3:39 pm
T Malone
Only major purchases need to be discussed. As long as the bills are paid, and the credit cards aren’t out of control, there is no need to report in on a new purse or outfit. My husband actually has more expensive taste than I do, so I don’t even ask when he buys something— what you don’t know won’t hurt, right? Arguments about money are just awful. If picking your battles, this one isn’t worth it. When you both work hard, you should enjoy when you can.
By T Malone on 09/29/2008 8:05 pm
Chrome Toe
I’m pretty much in the same boat as T Malone - if the bills are paid and the credit card’s aren’t out of control we don’t even discuss things like clothes or hair or moisturizer. Although we recently attended a small private function with the governor of our state and my husband was with me when I was shopping for the outfit. He must have said “oh my god” 100 times when looking at price tags. it was a great ploy… because by the time I bought the dress I did buy he thought it was a steal LOL. It was hilarious shopping with him though. since he started his own company he’s made a point of never wearing a suit. so he figured he’d better go get one. He’s holding them up going “look honey… two for 199 dollars”! I’m going… “babe.. you’re the president of the company and we’re hanging with the governor… any chance you would spring 199 dollars for ONE suit?”. luckily the sales lady had her boobs showing and smelled commission. So he got a respectable suit LOl.
By Chrome Toe on 09/29/2008 8:24 pm
Carrie On
This subject is one that I’ve never even thought about—I’ve been supporting myself my whole life, and never married. However, I’ve had a great relationship for over four years now; we’re totally open with each other about our finances and tell each other how much we’ve spent on things. He buys tech stuff and car parts, and things like pole saws ($99.00). He won’t buy clothes, but was very happy with the three great shirts I bought for him at a thrift shop for a total of $14.00. We live in central Texas, which is too hot to worry about dressing in anything more than shorts and T-shirts, which we do—even at the ages of 66 and 67, respectively! I did talk him into getting a pair of Crocs flip-flops, which match mine. I can’t imagine “hiding” how much things cost—but then, we live simply and have no need for “luxuries.”
By Carrie On on 09/30/2008 4:09 am
J B
It all goes to trust. I am currently helping a friend through a divorce…she thought things were shared, that her husband was up front about finances until the bill collectors started calling. It turned out that the only things current were the bills she was responsible for paying. He had just been lying and telling her he was taking care of his end of things. She trusted him, believed him. After six months of “digging” she found that he was in a financial quagmire…she wanted to help him through it, but soon realized she would never be able to trust him again. She said she wished he had “simply had an affair”… it would have been easier to work through. I cannot imagine not having my “own” money…or having to explain purchases. I am not frivolous, wasn’t raised that way. My husband and I pay the bills together and discuss “major” purchases before they are made. “Major” is anything over five hundred dollars.
By J B on 09/30/2008 8:52 am
Eileen Winnick
The goddess of love is so refreshingly smart and funny. Couldn’t agree more. Why do I feel the need to preface every purchase with the statement, “Honey, look what I got on sale?” This is even when I have paid for it myself. Sad but will rethink this charade. Anyway, wise words from a wise woman. Keep it coming.
By Eileen Winnick on 09/30/2008 8:57 am
Bella Mia
He can look into my eyes and read my soul. He can tell when the slightest thing is wrong, and I can tell with him as well. I learned at a very young age to buy very few, but quite amazing pieces. He’s always thrilled to see me in something new, because he knows I am frugal and would usually rather spend the money on travel or art.
By Bella Mia on 10/01/2008 1:26 am