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01/29/2009 12:00 am

Life

Dear Margo: Nice Try, but No Cigar

Margo Howard's smart and endearing advice column now lives right here at wowOwow.com. A big welcome to her and all of her beloved Yahoo! readers

Nice Try, but No Cigar

DEAR MARGO: I’ll bet you’ve heard this before, but it’s a first for me. While putting away my husband’s laundry, I came across a packet of letters shoved into the back corner of his drawer. They were in a rubber band, without envelopes. These were definitely love letters — some with lipstick kiss prints at the bottom, but not signed with a name. Because of a few references, I know they are relatively recent. None of them, however, referred to my husband by name, merely as "Darling" or "Babycakes." I decided against pretending I had not discovered them and handed the packet to my husband when he came home from work. He seemed quite nonplussed, then said they had nothing to do with him … that he was merely "keeping them for a friend." And I told him I was Marie of Rumania. I need to get to the bottom of this and would like your opinion as to whether I am jumping to conclusions. — HOPPING MAD

DEAR HOP: It would be a safe bet with a bookie that the conclusions you are jumping to are the correct ones. His excuse is on par with trying to convince you that a dinosaur died, standing up, in the museum of natural history. I would love to help your husband out and spare you some grief, but to quote Thoreau, "Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk." What you don’t know is whether there is a flirt going on or a full-fledged affair. I suggest you invite him to reconsider his explanation, cough up the truth and then decide, together, what this means for your marriage. You may find that a professional, neutral third party should be the "referee." Good luck. — MARGO, PERSUASIVELY

Ex-Wives — and Their Faults — Live On

DEAR MARGO: I have an odd problem. It happens often enough that I think I need to address it, but it’s hard to even define the problem. The best way I can describe it is that my husband is critical of me for traits I do not have. Example: A friend was teasing me about a large handbag I was carrying. My husband gave a little snort and replied, "I don’t have a problem with your purse. I have a problem with your using your car as a purse." This was bothersome on the obvious level: It was criticism in front of my friend. But that’s not my main concern. The real agitation is that I simply do not leave any personal property in my car. Ever.

I had too many years of transporting small children and all their gear and stickiness, so I love getting into my spotless car. I think he disliked this about his ex-wife and has somehow carried over the resentment to me without bothering to notice that I do not have that habit. When I try to make him aware of what’s going on, his response is that he’s not doing it or was only joking. Any thoughts on how to address this? — MS. K.

DEAR MS.: Ah, yes, other voices, other rooms. Many couples who are remarried still drag around complaints about the ex and manage to see these faults everywhere. What I would do is tell your husband (with no audience present) that you’d like him to think twice about assigning shortcomings to you that, in fact, you do not have. Feel free to give examples. You might make a joke that you’re sure you have some imperfections peculiar to you so there is no need to tag you with the faults of his ex. If this doesn’t get him to think about the situation, then I suggest you water him once a week and hope he doesn’t get Dutch Elm disease. — MARGO, SENSIBLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

Every Thursday and Friday, you can find "Dear Margo" and her latest words of wisdom on our home page at www.wowowow.com. Or better yet, click to sign up for an instant email alert that will send a message right to your in-box every time a new "Dear Margo" column is posted on wowOwow. Just click here for instant sign up.

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63 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

“He seemed quite nonplussed, then said they had nothing to do with him … that he was merely “keeping them for a friend.” Mmm, humm. Like the hubby in the marital bed with a girl when his wife arrives home. The girl dresses and the wife demands explanations. The husband calmly dresses too. “What girl?” AKA: ‘Who do you believe, me or your lying eyes?’ The little dears can be lots of fun.

By amp on 01/29/2009 3:00 am

lolololololol

By fp1 on 01/29/2009 8:09 am

When you come home to find the Emperor’s old girlfriend wearing the Emperor’s new clothes, the empirical evidence suggests it is time for an exile. An impromptu coronation with prejudice might have it’s appeal too.

By SteveR on 01/30/2009 9:24 pm

Sure it is obvious the letters are his and I would have his packed luggage by the door with a letter attached to each piece, still makes me boggle at how comfortable he was in his reply that the letters are a friends. What kind of friends he is keeping? I guess you really are the company you keep! I am sure that was pointless to highlight, just wow he was smooth.

By RebeccaS on 02/05/2009 10:19 am

Dear Margo: I’m thrilled that your column will be posted every Thursday and Friday here on wowOwow! It’s been years since I read your mother’s columns, and I’m happy that your have followed in her tradition. I simply LOVED your reply to, HOPPING MAD. Your advice was ‘right on’. It was remarkable reading about HOPPING MAD’s husband’s ‘explanation’ when confronted with the ‘love letters’ she found, because it reminded me of the ‘fiction’ my ex used to invent when I question him about incriminating ‘evidence’ I’d find, which clearly implicated him as a philanderer. Most incredulous, was my ex’s ability to maintain a ‘straight face’ when concocting the most ridiculous ‘explanations’, and then becoming annoyed when I shuttered with disbelief that he assumed I was either pitifully stupid or pathetically gullible. Wow!! Those day are over, and I’m glad I no longer have to contend with that sort of nonsense. Margo, welcome. I’m certainly looking forward to more of your wise and sensible advice here on wowOwow.

By MaizieJames on 01/29/2009 3:14 am

PS: You look absolutely wonderful!!.

By MaizieJames on 01/29/2009 3:16 am

I am enjoy reading your column anywhere you go. Glad you are part of wowowow.

By ShannonSchmidt on 01/29/2009 5:12 am

“His excuse is on par with trying to convince you that a dinosaur died, standing up, in the museum of natural history.” Love it — thank you

By AndyC on 01/29/2009 7:19 am

This will be fun. Welcome on board, Margo! Thank you wow…

By DianaT on 01/29/2009 7:48 am

Gosh, I haven’t read an advice column in years. This will be fun — but Ms Howard will continue to jump in with her own articles as well, right? BTW: Ms K should be careful; sounds like she married a closet misogynist or someone with early Alzheimer’s. And Hopping Mad should see a physician to check for VDs toot sweet!!

By rockyrocky on 01/29/2009 9:08 am

Margo: great that you moved here where we can all talk about your column! WRT to the second husband…that woman has every right to be concerned. If her husband doesn’t notice the condition of the car, and says something like that, then he’s just clueless. If he notices the condition of the car and says something like that, then he’s got bigger baggage than he ginormous purse! Again, welcome, Margo! .

By nanchanu on 01/29/2009 9:09 am

You have to wonder how many other women would accept that explanation rather than face the truth? The 2nd husband (still carrying his baggage) makes you realize why he may have been divorced by the first wife. I always hate it when I see a wife or husband put down their spouse or flirt with another person. Thanks for bringing the fun to Wow.

By BrooklynGal1 on 01/29/2009 9:12 am

Putting down your significant other in public is definately crass and rude. (Not that putting them down in private is ok….) However, there’s flirting and then there is flirting. Flirting can be a friendly game for some people, and if their significant other doesn’t mind I see nothing wrong with it. Flirting as a mechanism to get into a relationship that breaks the rules of a current relationship is not right.

By RJBReed on 01/29/2009 11:20 am

I have been on the receiving end of the flirting, and from my perspective (yours may be different) it was uncomfortable.

By BrooklynGal1 on 01/29/2009 6:58 pm

Dear Margo; Love your style and candor…..

By LaurieDeer on 01/29/2009 9:12 am

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