Nice Try, but No Cigar

DEAR MARGO: I’ll bet you’ve heard this before, but it’s a first for me. While putting away my husband’s laundry, I came across a packet of letters shoved into the back corner of his drawer. They were in a rubber band, without envelopes. These were definitely love letters — some with lipstick kiss prints at the bottom, but not signed with a name. Because of a few references, I know they are relatively recent. None of them, however, referred to my husband by name, merely as "Darling" or "Babycakes." I decided against pretending I had not discovered them and handed the packet to my husband when he came home from work. He seemed quite nonplussed, then said they had nothing to do with him … that he was merely "keeping them for a friend." And I told him I was Marie of Rumania. I need to get to the bottom of this and would like your opinion as to whether I am jumping to conclusions. — HOPPING MAD

DEAR HOP: It would be a safe bet with a bookie that the conclusions you are jumping to are the correct ones. His excuse is on par with trying to convince you that a dinosaur died, standing up, in the museum of natural history. I would love to help your husband out and spare you some grief, but to quote Thoreau, "Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk." What you don’t know is whether there is a flirt going on or a full-fledged affair. I suggest you invite him to reconsider his explanation, cough up the truth and then decide, together, what this means for your marriage. You may find that a professional, neutral third party should be the "referee." Good luck. — MARGO, PERSUASIVELY

Ex-Wives — and Their Faults — Live On

DEAR MARGO: I have an odd problem. It happens often enough that I think I need to address it, but it’s hard to even define the problem. The best way I can describe it is that my husband is critical of me for traits I do not have. Example: A friend was teasing me about a large handbag I was carrying. My husband gave a little snort and replied, "I don’t have a problem with your purse. I have a problem with your using your car as a purse." This was bothersome on the obvious level: It was criticism in front of my friend. But that’s not my main concern. The real agitation is that I simply do not leave any personal property in my car. Ever.

I had too many years of transporting small children and all their gear and stickiness, so I love getting into my spotless car. I think he disliked this about his ex-wife and has somehow carried over the resentment to me without bothering to notice that I do not have that habit. When I try to make him aware of what’s going on, his response is that he’s not doing it or was only joking. Any thoughts on how to address this? — MS. K.

DEAR MS.: Ah, yes, other voices, other rooms. Many couples who are remarried still drag around complaints about the ex and manage to see these faults everywhere. What I would do is tell your husband (with no audience present) that you’d like him to think twice about assigning shortcomings to you that, in fact, you do not have. Feel free to give examples. You might make a joke that you’re sure you have some imperfections peculiar to you so there is no need to tag you with the faults of his ex. If this doesn’t get him to think about the situation, then I suggest you water him once a week and hope he doesn’t get Dutch Elm disease. — MARGO, SENSIBLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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