Nothing is worse than an unhappy marriage (which encourages cheating) and nothing is better than a happy marriage (which does not). I am now happily monogamous with my first true marriage after several false starts. But my husband is a good and honorable man who shares my sense of spirituality, which I think is even more important than mere “morality.” It’s time that the males took responsibility for their lack of control. Why does the corralling of males always fall into the hands of the females? It’s just passing the buck. And as bad as it is in the West, in more Asiatic cultures, it is even WORSE.

I’n finishing my degree in therapy and work with a sex and marriage therapist. In order for people to cheat, they have to justify it, and our culture has provided more convenient justifications for men. Nature weighs less heavily on men, than women, with it’s consequences for promiscuity - or at least it used to before DNA paternity tests, and mandatory child support. But there is a correlation to self-indulgence and adultery. Research has found that those people who were more indulged as children by their parents, were more self-indulgent as adults, feeling more entitled to benefit themselves at the expense of other people. (www.selfindulgence.info.) That’s why the Spitzer debacle was no surprise. He was on a self-indulgent train he couldn’t get off, or should I say, too painful to get off. Women may indulge with chocolate, but men, with their high testosterone levels, and social incentives fling themselves into the same sand trap over and over. Now more than ever, women are given permission to justify their affairs. It’s a move in a toxic direction. The assumption should be that people will certainly stumble and fail at hard things. A long term relationship is a work of art, challenging, with the forces of chaos and complexity and law of entropy tearing at it everyday. It would be interesting, if I were Silda’s therapist, to ask her if there had ever been an agreement between her and her husband about WHEN the temptation arose, not IF but WHEN, what would be the protocol in the relationship. Did they have a plan? Did they discuss that it would be a probable temptation, since most people in a long term relationship would be tempted. A man of Spitzers power would definitely have the temptation presented to him. My husband and I are relatively attractive and so we agreed we would be transparent about any situations or thoughts that involved another person. Many have come along, all of which, to date have been instigated by third parties, like the receptionist at the dentist office - twice!! What is fascinating is to discuss the interaction, and then ask “Why not?” The pluses are few and the consequences many. I think fidelity requires constant vigilance and awareness of human nature. I would ask her: How could anyone assume that this wouldn’t happen to them, and not plan for the inevitable temptation? The same goes for money and business - people will naturally be tempted to take short-cuts and make unethical decisions based on expediency. Plan ahead for human foibles.

Complex topic. Morality is time, culture, individual beliefs and socialization. For me if there is no trust there is no real love. My first husband I trusted totally. He’s been dead a long time. My second was a CEO-entitled type 26 years older. As myopic a Pollyanna as I was then, it didn’t take too long to figure out I was the set piece, and that he had a lifelong ‘hobby’ that wasn’t going to change. With in-your-face-proof, I moved into the guest room until my son’s school term was over and we could leave without disrupting his studies. I told my husband that I had a sense of humor, he should continue with his hobby—that everyone needs one. And he was never getting his hands again on me. Despite the pre-nup I left without a cent to avoid unpleasantness. I hadn’t wanted to get remarried, he insisted and my son wanted it. For now, I greatly prefer being single, but believe when I relocate to the South of France and have Act Three well underway that’s when I’ll meet the one right for me. And at the Farmer’s Market in Aix-en-Provence. You know that Aix was literally built around Apollo…..!

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