Relationships | 08/21/2008 12:00 am

Five Ways To Know That Your Husband May Be Looking Elsewhere

By Robert Stephan Cohen

Editor’s Note: Robert Stephan Cohen, a partner in Cohen Lans, LLP, is one of the top divorce attorneys in the United States, having just successfully represented Christie Brinkley in her landmark custody battle this summer. Past clients include Uma Thurman, Lorraine Bracco and various Trump wives. He is the author of Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer.

1. If your husband has blocks of unaccounted-for time, especially in the evening or on weekends, beware.

2. If there is a family computer, log on and see what the search history, sites visited or navigation history and e-mail trails suggest. Find out where your "cache" is on your Internet browser and see if it is being cleared regularly; it may suggest he is trying to hide what sites he’s been visiting. Anything strange. There are laws affecting computer access and you should check with a qualified professional.

3. Check his cell phone calls if the bills come home to determine whether there are unfamiliar repeat calls. If the bills don’t come home, wonder why.

4. If he starts talking about a woman at the office or someone he met — even in an innocuous way — it suggests he has another interest.

5. If his sexual appetite with you wanes or changes in a material way it may be the beginning. My experience, however, is that it is easier for men to engage in sex with their spouse and others in the same time frame. It’s usually a dead giveaway when women stop having sex with their mate. They are wired in a way that generally makes multiple sex partners off limits for them.

Reminder: Before you confront him, see a capable divorce lawyer.

Mr. Cohen practices law in New York State. This blog does not and should not be construed to give legal advice in connection with any of the subject matter contained herein. You must always seek to speak with your own lawyer for legal advice.

160 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Only if the marriage is already in trouble. One of the worst things a spouse could do is to ignore the signs. If suddenly an uneasiness is creeping into the marriage, don’t hesitate to ask a few questions, maybe a few pointed questions. By the answers received, one will know if there is a serious problem. It is much better to try to save a marriage, if you want the marriage to be saved, then wait for the roof to come crashing down on you and then you are too angry and too hurt to try and understand why your spouse strayed. If you keep hoping your uneasiness will go away, well it just might….. right along with your spouse.

By Bonnie Oliver on 08/21/2008 4:45 pm

If we can ever change this topic to WHY your mate is looking elsewhere, we may be able to perhaps nip this in the bud 10 years earlier. There are wonderful ways to promote a happy and contented-at-home marriage and have a good time doing it.

By joan larsen on 08/21/2008 7:56 am

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Spot on once again Joan.

By Frank Peterson on 08/21/2008 4:08 pm

Joan, you are right and it starts with honest communication and dealing with conflicts as they occur. A lot of problems happen because she is afraid of abandonment, and he is afraid of engulfment.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 9:04 pm

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Diana — you don’t begin to have honest communication AFTER the event. I would like to write a book - at least an article - on how to get the right start in a marriage, and the build on it on — but not with having this a “set-up” or planning thing. I happen to know that you can set the tone of the day or evening when the partner comes in the door with a long hug. Some nights you may get no further as it is so good, so right at that moment for each of you. THAt is good. But the hug also says “I care” and you get the sense right away if things are not so good - that one has had a bad day and wants to talk. This is give-and-take, constantly taking place - and you continually grow closer and aware of subtle things and get to know the signs and how to make the other feel better. That is how it is in my home — and there is such a degree of warmth felt in moments that can carry for a long time. We all need love, we all need someone who cares, and I am a firm believer that it starts at the front door.

By joan larsen on 08/21/2008 11:02 pm

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Your’re right, Joan. When I met Bill, it was so normal and I never felt like I had to pretend or be something else that what I was. I have spent this summer reading several books on adult relationsships and just being an adult by David Richo. He is absolutely the best relationship psychologist I have ever read or heard. And, he says you know when you are in the right relationship when both are giving and receiving, and you don’t have to be anything except your authentic self. Also, he stresses the importance of not trying that bit about “changing” someone. I think one problem of relationships gone bad is that there is simply no proceeding past the Romantic phase and dealing with reality, which is going to happen; you’d better know what to do in the offing. I urge you to look at David Richo’s website and read or listen to his CDs before you write the article. There is something there for all of us!

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 11:16 pm

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Well, darned if I didn’t leave a sentence out. David Richo also emphasizes the equality in relationships. Two adults communicating as adults, loving as adults and relating as adults.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 11:19 pm

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Diana — you are a thinking, brilliant woman who is on her toes — and I almost find it amazing that we think so alike — as I have not run into this before. Most do not want to discuss it — and I always think it is because they are already so far off track. And you are so right about the romantic interlude that holds on at that level just so long. I don’t think we are ever told that — and are so dreamy that we think that will last forever. But I definitely will follow up on David Richo — a new name to me — as he may be saying things I have not thought of — even though I have thought of it all, I say with a laugh. Do you too find that you do not meet your equal — or are you luckier in finding like-thinking people to surround you?

By joan larsen on 08/21/2008 11:31 pm

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Well, Joan, I don’t have a lot of friends surrounding me, but the ones I do have? We are all fiercely loyal and open with each other, and we are all into the Arts, and on both sides of the political aisle. We value each other. Bill and I were on equal footing in our marriage. So, while I have never had a relationship since he died (09-09), I often say that once you get used to the cream, you’re not apt to settle for the buttermilk.

By Diana T on 08/22/2008 7:15 am

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It has been my experience that reckless people eventually run into a wall. When you hear the crash, then go and investigate… Snooping is often misinterpreted and therefore often unreliable.

By Lena B on 08/21/2008 11:00 am

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I think that anyone is capable of straying if one grows complacent; temptation is everywhere. Most illicit affairs start at work because we often spend more time (waking hours, anyway) with co-workers than we actually do with our mates. I concur with Joan above. Just as one tends to a garden to ensure growth and keep weeds at bay, marriage (or other relationships) need to be similarly nurtured. As Joan pointed out, nipping something in the bud at an early stage can save us untold grief. Blind trust without checks and balances has doomed many a relationship.

By Eliza S on 08/21/2008 11:32 am

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Eliza, do you consider weeding through the temporary internet files on the PC to be a check and balance? To me that smells of paranoia and control issues. Trust is a two-way street.

By Lorraine Bates on 08/21/2008 12:26 pm

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No, sorry, I wasn’t suggesting that at all. Actually, I’m talking about each party keeping themselves in check but also, not being blind to obvious warning signs when a partner is doing questionable things, no matter how innocent them may seem on the surface. I don’t think most people intend to cheat. Rather, they fall into it by being careless.

By Eliza S on 08/21/2008 1:58 pm

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Yes, Eliza, with that, I completely agree. If you ignore all the warning signs - i.e. dying your beautiful black hair blonde, as a post above said, because he wants something else - then you are in that river in Egypt…Da Nile.

By Lorraine Bates on 08/21/2008 4:38 pm