Relationships | 08/21/2008 12:00 am

Five Ways To Know That Your Husband May Be Looking Elsewhere

By Robert Stephan Cohen

Editor’s Note: Robert Stephan Cohen, a partner in Cohen Lans, LLP, is one of the top divorce attorneys in the United States, having just successfully represented Christie Brinkley in her landmark custody battle this summer. Past clients include Uma Thurman, Lorraine Bracco and various Trump wives. He is the author of Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer.

1. If your husband has blocks of unaccounted-for time, especially in the evening or on weekends, beware.

2. If there is a family computer, log on and see what the search history, sites visited or navigation history and e-mail trails suggest. Find out where your "cache" is on your Internet browser and see if it is being cleared regularly; it may suggest he is trying to hide what sites he’s been visiting. Anything strange. There are laws affecting computer access and you should check with a qualified professional.

3. Check his cell phone calls if the bills come home to determine whether there are unfamiliar repeat calls. If the bills don’t come home, wonder why.

4. If he starts talking about a woman at the office or someone he met — even in an innocuous way — it suggests he has another interest.

5. If his sexual appetite with you wanes or changes in a material way it may be the beginning. My experience, however, is that it is easier for men to engage in sex with their spouse and others in the same time frame. It’s usually a dead giveaway when women stop having sex with their mate. They are wired in a way that generally makes multiple sex partners off limits for them.

Reminder: Before you confront him, see a capable divorce lawyer.

Mr. Cohen practices law in New York State. This blog does not and should not be construed to give legal advice in connection with any of the subject matter contained herein. You must always seek to speak with your own lawyer for legal advice.

160 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Eliza—I don’t think trust is blind, in my case anyway. I know what signals to look for because of past experience in a bad long-term relationship. In my present, and my last (as in lasting) relationship, my radar has not gone off. A woman who has been hurt has excellent radar, in my opinion, unless she makes the same mistakes over and over. Divorce attorneys make their living from women like that. My hope is that this divorce attorney writing a book about the signs to look out for means he doesn’t need the business (why else tip off women?) or his business is down and he needs the money from a book. Either way, I’d never buy it.

By kermie b on 08/21/2008 12:29 pm

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is this man fomenting divorce…the point is, if there isnt TRUST in a relationship, you DONT need it…BTW…there are PLENTY of OTHER reasons for not having sex…libido problems, incontinence problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, prostate problems, just not wanting it, etc..etc..etc….is mr cohen married…does he know of what he speaks from first hand experience..just stop the madness!!!

By theCHEROKEErose on 08/21/2008 1:08 pm

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I find the above criteriae for knowing your man’s going out on you somewhat offensive. Whoever wrote this piece has just posted the rules to break up a possibly good relationship. First of all, is she so insecure within herself that she feels like she must invade another individual’s privacy to see what he is doing? This person is very co-dependent. Why would one want a relationship like this in the first place? And, not to have office buddies? Excuse me? You man is not supposed to talk to anyone at the office??? My husband and also my brother-in-law had to travel with the executive women in their offices all the time; I never gave it a thought. I had a monthly lunch for 25 yrs. with our accountant, who eventually became a very close friend to both of us I never, never went through his wallets, cell phones, computers, mail or anything that had to do with his personal space. And, he respected mine. If you have any suspicions, you are usually correct, unless you are like the person writing this article, and in that case, go to your therapist. Because, what the person is describing above is a form of stalking.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 1:19 pm

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Hello Diana: I agree with you. I thought it pointless to confirm my ‘suspicions’ that my ex was cheating. He was the type of man women gravitated to, and he was constantly in the presence of beautiful and highly successful women. I would have been foolish to not deny that he took pride in his powerful (sex) appeal, and that he would never act on it. Nonetheless, I never behaved paranoid, and certainly did not allow him to see my deeply hidden jealousy. Perhaps it was my pride, but I felt snooping beneath my sensibilities. Also, I think spying/snooping is somewhat desperate and pathetic. The truth is, although I suspected my ex’s infidelity for a long time, I played along hoping he would change, that is, until he became careless. At that point, denial no longer sustained me. I could no longer be sexually intimate with him knowing he was active elsewhere. It was difficult. But, I managed to ‘gather’ myself and leave … never looking back. Thank God!!!

By Maizie James on 08/21/2008 2:09 pm

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That’s right, Maizie. You have to deal with you because he was going to do what he was going to do. One thing for sure: you cannot not and really should not try to change another person. A person has to do a lot of self-work on themselves for that to happen, and they start by recognizing that they have a problem that they can’t fix by themselves. He was probably sexually addicted? Just know that not all of them are, and be proud of yourself that you left.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 2:23 pm

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Diana, you are so correct: no one can or should try to change another person. This was the tough lesson I learned through therapy. I realized (from unfortunate emotion scars) that my ‘hoping’ my ex would change was self defeating. In fact, my ‘hoping he would change’ mindset nearly destroyed me. In the end, I changed. Absolutely for the better. As for my ex, he was ‘old school’, in that I think he felt he was ‘entitled’ to a wife and family, and also maintain his freedom outside of marriage. I’m not sure about the sexual addiction question, however my ex was an arrogant ‘control freak’. The truth is, he was one of most intelligent persons I’ve ever met, and equally complex. He was a devoted father to my five sons, and he treated me like a queen (which kept me perpetually confused). In business, social, and political affairs, he walked like a ‘cock’ with me by his side … and demanded that it remain that way. On important business trips, when he knew other executives would be accompanied by their wives, he insisted I come along. But, it was a show. (The bastard even accompanied me to Saks or Neiman Marcus to make sure I chose the ‘right’ outfits!) In the end, he did everything imaginable to prevent the dissolution of our marriage … and, in effect, his image of himself as a ‘successful man who had it all’ (including mistresses). He was so bitter about my having the gall to divorce HIM, he STILL believes that I was to one who betrayed HIM by breaking up our supposed ‘picture card’ family. Unbelievable! (Sorry, for my personal spew. But, it’s been a catharsis, which I need from time to time.)

By Maizie James on 08/21/2008 3:22 pm

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Whew, boy! Been there, done that! Go get David Richo and also his CDs….the CDs are $75 from his website and the best money I spent this summer. No matter that right now I am un-attached and a widow(from a wonderful, delightful marriage), I think we can always learn about what it means to be an adult, and what a REAL relationship is. And, it’s not what you are describing here, Maizie. I would love to have another relationship, but not the wrong one; much happier with the one I have with myself these days.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 5:19 pm

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Diana, are you seriously still wanting another relationship? I’m not sure why, but I’ve given up wanting.

By Maizie James on 08/21/2008 8:34 pm

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Darn Maizie! I think we were married to the same man!!! You described my ex to a “t” right down to choosing the “right” clothes for corporate functions!! And yes!! He was stunned that I divorced him and blames me for it! One of my favorite quotes from our divorce “era” He looked at me and said “I can’t believe you’re doing this! I have been faithful to you for four years!” I reminded him at that point that we had been married for fifteen.

By J B on 08/25/2008 9:24 pm

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Very good points, Diana.

By Lorraine Bates on 08/21/2008 4:43 pm

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Diana, If anyone did to me the things the author of the piece suggests that would be grounds for me to leave. A relationship is not blanket permission to paw and sleuth through another’s personal things. To me that is abhorrent.

By No Way-No How -No McCain on 08/21/2008 7:48 pm

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How right you are, Winery. I don’t know one psychologist that would even encourage staying with this type of person; this is the kind that will boil your rabbit on the top of the stove. It is abusive and co-dependent. But, consider the source; it was written by a Big Divorce Lawyer, for cryin’ out loud, who probably represented Dr. Mark you-know-who. To my way of thinking, 2 peas in a pod. And, I am sorry that the wow board saw fit to print this when you are talking prisoner in a relationship and taking great risk with your personna and possibly your safety.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 8:56 pm

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I just looked again, and see that this person is a lawyer? That is the last person I would go to for the criteria for a permanent and lasting marriage. That would be like going to Dr. you-know-who for counseling. I highly recommend, psycholigist David Richo’s book “How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving”. I wonder how many times Mr. Cohen has been married.

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 1:24 pm

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There’s a line in Tennessee Williams play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in which one character says something to the effect that if there are problems in a marriage look first to the bed.

By Frank Peterson on 08/21/2008 4:15 pm

Fiddledeedee! Sometimes the problem is that the man has so little self esteem that nothing mama does at home can help him and he has to go out there and prove himself to everybody else. And, sometimes, due to issues going all the way back to childhood, there is a distinct addiction problem. Besides, if there is a problem in the bedroom, why is it wifie’s fault? After all, many men don’t know very much about pre-heating a woman’s oven. No, I disagree. Problems start when two people do not communicate and when they don’t accept each other’s Authentic self, including the Shadow side, and when they don’t take care of their personal stuff. Frank, I keep urging you to read David Richo. nag,nag,nag…..

By Diana T on 08/21/2008 5:28 pm