A Friend Stopped By | 11/11/2008 8:00 am

Sex and the 60+ Woman, by Willa Bernhard, Ph.D.

By Willa Bernhard, Ph.D.

Editor’s Note: Willa Bernhard, Ph.D., a psychologist and psychotherapist in private practice in New York City from 1970-2002, is a member of the Human Sexuality Program at Weil-Cornell Medical College who currently spends half the year in Sarasota and the other half in New York City. In addition to her research project on women over 60, she serves on the boards of various foundations. Click here to read more about Willa’s research. Following are a few of Willa’s findings about sex and the 60+ woman.

Women in their 60s and early 70s who were influenced by the sexual revolution were freer to talk about their sexuality than many older women. Some who had always enjoyed sex with a partner still do – a lot depended on whether their partner was a sensitive, attuned lover, while other women, married and unmarried, said they had no sexual desire and either didn’t miss sex or had intercourse to meet their partner’s needs.

Most women who enjoyed sex preferred oral and manual stimulation to intercourse.

Most women who didn’t have partners said they didn’t miss an active sex life. Loss of sexual desire seems more situational than physical because women who hadn’t experienced sexual feelings for some time find they are newly aroused when the right man comes along. It appears that sexual feelings that go to sleep can usually be reawakened.

Many women who enjoyed masturbating when they were young continue to enjoy masturbating. Women who didn’t masturbate when they were young don’t begin when they are older.

The widowed women who had found late-love relationships were enjoying everything about their new relationships, including sex. Amelia, who is 70, expressed feelings shared by others when she said, “I could never have imagined this would happen to me. I love everything about him and I know how fortunate I am.”

Read more about: A Friend Stopped By, Love, Sex, Willa Bernhard

6 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Well, that’s very reassuring. I must be normal.

By Ms. Dee on 11/11/2008 8:23 am

As women get older, they may say that good health is the most important thing in life. Naturally, as that will affect your interest in sex - depending on the problems you are having . . . but taking that aspect away, is there anyone out there that doesn’t believe to have warm, warm love in your life the most important thing? Be honest now.

And isn’t good sex the frosting on the cake of love — that is, if you are lucky enough to have a partner who knows how to make you happy - and vice versa? Frankly, a quick roll in the hay without the all encompassing love that you have for each other is just that. You may take it as you might think it is better than ZERO. :-(

But let’s get down to basics. Intrinsic within us is the desire to give and receive love. What else can put the smile on our faces, the bloom on our checks, and the joy in our eyes to this extent? What else can give us the entire shabang — the whole feeling that it is love that feeds us, makes us look forward to tomorrow in ways that nothing else can.

I should have a T-shirt that says “I BELIEVE IN LOVE” . . as I notice it is discussed less the older we get. We lucky ones - the ones whose mornings never fail to start with hugs - long hugs - and all the things that can go with it,
know that their day has had a marvelous beginning. I always say: if the day goes downhill in the slightest bit after that, who cares? I have had the words of love — and more — and I consider I have had it all. The smile never stops - never never.

If we didn’t know, the psychologists shout it out now: sex is in your head and not anywhere else. That is where it starts, and the stirrings you feel from then on in are worth gold. And God! when you get really into it, it is the best exercise in the world with the end result of feeling absolutely GREAT!!

There are days when I wish I had a consulting job with our Willa Bernhard as I would have my patients so charged up before they left about continuing
the connection of their love with lovemaking with its whispers and its—- well, you know its attributes — that you too would be on top of the world.
Oh, yes!!!

By joan larsen on 11/11/2008 9:23 am

The HBO series, “Tell Me You Love Me” deals with love, sex, therapy, in the lives of three couples and the therapist herself played beautifully by Jane Alexander. The sexual scenes are explicit as are the issues confronting each couple. I came away from watching the first season with renewed confirmation that love and sex are complicated partners in the dance of life.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 11/11/2008 11:02 am