Sheila Nevins | 09/25/2008 12:00 am

My iPhone Made Me Cry

Are you befuddled by new technology? Do you long for the days of simple on/off switches and phones that simply ring hello? Do most appliances have too many options?
Do tell.

My iPhone Made Me Cry

An Interactive Poem

I don’t cry at weddings
I know the odds
Sometimes I cry at funerals
But always try to hold back my tears.
Yet, my iPhone made me cry out loud
Weep
Uncontrollably
Wet sobs and gasps.
It refused to allow me to take charge
And I’m a take-charge kinda gal.
My iPhone hated me
It hated my touch
I tried each finger every which way
Cutting nails, huffing warmth into the cold tips. Nothing.
It left me at the altar
Jilted
We were not to be wed
My i and my me.

The marketing magic
Had me in a frenzy
I wanted it.
I wanted it to love me
It wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
Like a Mac to a PC
We were incompatible.

Waiting in line
Pain radiated up my flat feet
Very little is worth waiting for
But I was determined.
It was hyped and I was hyped.
My son said it wasn’t for me
He knew me
"It’s not for you Mom, you won’t get it."
He was right
The i was not me.

GPS, iTunes, texting
Weather, news, all playing
Songs of love for
Others
But not for me.

My friends would call
They were trapped inside
They heard me, but I could not hear them.
I pressed every button.
"Hello, hello, dear ones," I pleaded.
But they were drowning in high-tech.
And to diminish my sense of well-being
The phone kept reminding me my power was down:
30% of your battery remains.
I panicked. Dr. Katz had just assured me my EKG was normal.
A mere mortal I
My e-mails went to the wrong
friends
My thumbprint called people
I chose to avoid.
"What’s up?" they asked, pleased to hear from me after
Years of deliberate neglect.

Desperate
I returned to the point of purchase
"Please!" I pleaded to the salesman,
"Get me out of i!" He recognized me. The eldest in the line.
"Please, I beg you,
Put my number back in my old pink phone
Give me back my hello and good-bye
My Shangri-La ring
My rose bouquet screensaver."

Jerome, his name tag said.
He was a good man,
A kind technocratty.
He dried my tears metaphorically
I offered up my old Sanyo
"Ancient," he said with pity, "…a dinosaur."
"Old soul," I said. "I am a spiritual person."
"No more parts for it," he said. "They don’t make it
Anymore."
"Please, I want it back, Jerome. Just it, Jerome. Nothing new," I cried out.
People looked, I calmed down.
I then whispered fiercely to Jerome, "GET IT BACK FOR ME.
Who cares what it costs.
I’ll pay anything.
I WANT MY PHONE BACK!"

Holding my pink dead Sanyo in his arms
He dialed #s and codes
Summoned Martians to enter invisibly the
AT&T store. No one saw them. I felt their presence.
Slowly, my dead phone came back to life
Risen from ashes. My Phoenix. My Sanyo.
Magically, Jerome breathed life into my obsolete friend
A miracle ensued. A light shone in the darkness.
It said, Welcome.
I sobbed quietly sensing
The Eternal.

I called my friend Roberta.
Unable to communicate, I had missed
Her big ## birthday
"Sorry I missed you," I pined,
"Phone horrible.
Happy Birthday, sweetheart."
"Thanks love."
"Your present is in the mail," I said.
"Thanks," she answered,

"Brent gave me the best new toy for my B.D. and
I love it."
"Oh," I said, half-interested. "What?"
"An iPhone," she said.
And I gasped, fighting
For

AIR.

Read more about: iPhone, Poetry, Technology

61 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I love new technology but you are absolutely right that the designers have lost their minds. Unless you have infinite patience, a knack for techie stuff and lots of time, it’s impossible to figure out. I stayed in a hotel last year that had a sign next to the clock radio with instructions for setting the alarm and a note saying it was challenging and if you wanted, they would send someone to your room to set it for you. A clock radio!!! Also, I know my learning style. I learn best by having someone show me, try it myself and then consulting in person again for the finer points. But we’re now in a figure it out yourself world. Simplify, simplify, simplify…I think Thoreau was on to something.

By Barbara on 09/25/2008 8:34 am

e-mail alert

I’ve had the same cell phone for three years…it does the job. I don’t need to play music on it, surf the net on it…because its a PHONE and thats what I use it for! I have a laptop for other stuff. It took me a full year to learn how to work the tv and surround sound system my husband had when we got married. This week my mother in law got a new top of the line professional quality range…I stood in front of it like a monkey looking at a rocket ship…finally we got the book out…both of us struggling to figure out how to work the warming drawer! Why would you buy something like that??? I have a high tech range myself, but its easy to operate…I think we let technology “over take” us at times.

By J B on 09/25/2008 10:44 am

e-mail alert

on a massive planet, we need tech to escape—-the problem is mass brings +S—-now that’s a problem even Lisa Randal ignores—-gotta keep those grants—-

By gulliver fourmyle on 09/25/2008 11:00 pm

e-mail alert

When cell phones went (???) whatever cell phones went so that the old ones no longer worked, I really thought I heard a little catch in my husband’s voice when he had to give it up. It was a phone and as such….hey, here’s an idea, you made telephone calls on it! Now his phone, the simplest, least complicated model we could find, takes pictures, text messages, takes messages (though he really doesn’t know how, nor does he care to find out, how to access voice mail — we have instructions on the refrigerator for him at home) and, oh yes, makes and receives calls. What I’ve found is that we’re buying these things for various reasons and using only that which applies to us. As for any other instruction I need, I ask my grandson. Somehow the young people know. And oh, by the way, I really hate seeing people everywhere with them glued to their ears but especially while driving. But I do agree with several of the other comments; simplify, simplify, simplify……….puleeze.

By Andy C on 09/25/2008 10:56 am

e-mail alert

while many states have ‘outlawed’ ‘cell-phones while driving’—-it is a true hazard—-as the ‘radio-junkies-in-cars’—-in the past few years, i’ve dodged cell-phone users running stop-lights, been near smushed by same, as a pedestrian going w/’the walk-sign’—-and the data on brain-tumors from constant use? it’s there—-do the mfgr’s want you to see? vs. make a $? no. i see the need for cell phones—-car breaks in the wild? ok. They are for emergencies. not constant use—-that’s been shown as deadly—-as a distraction—-or by health—-safer for vulnerable ladies to ‘pack’ a pocket double-barrel .410 mini-alley-sweeper—-responsibly—-i don’t like handguns—-but if it comes down to that? you feel a real threat will stand by, as you use your cell, for help? good luck—-show them the wrong-end of a killer’? not a phone? they run—-if they don’t, well?

By gulliver fourmyle on 09/25/2008 9:28 pm

e-mail alert

The biggest problem is our age !! We didn’t grow up with this stuff, we grew up with a rotary phone, a B&W TV, remember that new fangled thing, the cassette player ? While our children have had this stuff as part of their lives since the beginning. it is so natural to them. BUT WE CAN LEARN !! Some of us may remain dinosaurs, but you know what happened to them ! My iPod is the favorite thing I have ever had, period.It has enriched my life in so many ways. And a close second is my iMac. All I can say is that they better have wireless internet in the nursing homes OR I”M NOT GOING. Having said that, I totally agree with the remote control issue. Maybe we should put Steve Jobs on that one. There is no reason that they need to be so complicated. or not work on all machines. And instruction books need to be written outside of China. They should put first grade teachers in charge of that, FEMALE first grade teachers. That’ll do it !

By EKA - on 09/25/2008 11:33 am

e-mail alert

3- cheers—-i, unlike my children, was ‘intimidated’ by these machines—-learned the hard way 98se—-damn glad i did—-a new world of needed data emerged—-but the manuals, docus? true—-whoops PBS is running ‘Casablanca’—-on that i have ‘woody’s-disorder’—-not for ‘young-ladies’, rather old classic cinema—-

By gulliver fourmyle on 09/25/2008 9:49 pm

e-mail alert

I never did get the hype that is the Iphone. Its second incarnation has so many bugs in it two of my friends had to return it to the store. I have a pocketpc phone that will be 3 years old in December. It does what I want it to do. As for the Universal remote, there are some that work and then there are the lemons. So if yours works, good for you. I had to test 5 different remotes before one will work.

By Chari Bonagua on 09/25/2008 11:47 am

e-mail alert

I hate to repeat myself (;-}), but get a Harmony remote… my 880 is great, and very easily programmable via my Mac. Also, I have the iPhone 3G… no probs… love it! It does more than I want it to!!!

By John G on 09/25/2008 12:43 pm

e-mail alert

and one more thing… if you’re computer is bugging you, or you’re afraid to jump onto the computer bandwagon… GET AN APPLE MACINTOSH!!! Either an iMac or a MacBook… you won’t regret it.

By John G on 09/25/2008 12:45 pm

e-mail alert

shoot! typo… the first “you’re” up there should be a “your”… sorry. Too bad we can’t edit our comments.

By John G on 09/25/2008 12:46 pm

e-mail alert

or invent a techno-perfection. I don’t see it happenin’ John. But I wish somebody would just come live with me until I had everything I need hooked up hooked up and funtioning.

By Ms. Dee on 09/25/2008 7:00 pm

e-mail alert

I confess that I have never texted on my cell phone. I don’t know how. I don’t especially want to learn. Sometimes you just have to accept that there are certain things one can do with technology that is not worth the time to learn. When my mother first got a cell phone, it came with a book of instructions about four hundred pages long. She didn’t use the cell phone. I asked her why. The instructions were printed in 8 point type; she couldn’t see it, even with reading glasses. So I sat down with her one afternoon and we puzzled out how to use it to place a call, how to turn the ringer up and down, how to receive a call. The rest we concluded, if she needed to know it, she could go back to the cell store. Eight point type! That is very dinky. Still if it had been 12 point or something reasonable, it would have been a 600 page manual. The thing I find exasperating is that the pace of change in technology has picked up. I think everyone needs an eight hour class each year on just how to take advantage of the latest technology. If one is poor enough, you can skip entire genres. I think I missed the eight track tape craze entirely. But I had CDs long before I had a CD player. And I have trust issues with my PDA. My address book never needed to be charged.

By Elizabeth Bennett on 09/25/2008 1:19 pm