A Friend Stopped By | 06/26/2008 10:50 am
Six Reasons You’ll Find Love After 40, by Dr. Judith Sills
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Editor’s Note: Dr. Judith Sills is a clinical psychologist and the author of five bestsellers. Her newest title, Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You’ve Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted will be out soon.
When an author introduces a new character half of the way through a novel, it feels contrived. Where has this guy been for the last 200 pages? If the heroine falls in love, it’s hard to believe in the happily ever after.
You might be skeptical about the possibilities of a meaningful late entry in real life too. The dismal certainty that if a relationship is not right here in my life right now, then it probably never will be, darkens the outlook of so many divorced and widowed women. It probably limits their possibilities, too, since we tend to get what we believe we will find. And the fact is, women — single, divorced, widowed, and, truth to tell, still married women who maybe wish they weren’t, but haven’t done a thing about it — create meaningful, loving relationships at 40, 50 and 60 and on and on. Believe it or not.
Yes, it’s true that men die earlier so there are fewer of them. And it’s true that they rarely lose their attraction to young flesh and so frequently look right through ripe fruit. But other things are true too, and they make loving connections likely to appear later in your life story:
When an author introduces a new character half of the way through a novel, it feels contrived. Where has this guy been for the last 200 pages? If the heroine falls in love, it’s hard to believe in the happily ever after.
You might be skeptical about the possibilities of a meaningful late entry in real life too. The dismal certainty that if a relationship is not right here in my life right now, then it probably never will be, darkens the outlook of so many divorced and widowed women. It probably limits their possibilities, too, since we tend to get what we believe we will find. And the fact is, women — single, divorced, widowed, and, truth to tell, still married women who maybe wish they weren’t, but haven’t done a thing about it — create meaningful, loving relationships at 40, 50 and 60 and on and on. Believe it or not.
Yes, it’s true that men die earlier so there are fewer of them. And it’s true that they rarely lose their attraction to young flesh and so frequently look right through ripe fruit. But other things are true too, and they make loving connections likely to appear later in your life story:
- This time you don’t need a “provider.” Your nest is built, your babies have grown and this relationship is for your own pleasure. His package has less power (unless you are broke, of course. Then you are stuck in the traditional female romantic pursuit of the “provider”) and that gives you more males from whom to choose. You might finally be open to connecting with a man’s soul.
- This time you don’t need to please your parents. Your own parents are either aged or gone. With that great loss can come a freedom of spirit. Now you choose partners a little less to please your mom or defy your dad. That leaves a relationship with meaning to you.
- You can’t get pregnant. And by the way, the fact that you can’t reproduce anymore is a great attraction to many men. Sure he gets automatically hard when he sees a blonde 30-year-old in a belly shirt, but then he looks more closely at the belly and sees the possibility of a whole dreaded second family with 20 more years of tuition and soccer jail. He’s happy out dancing cheek to cheek with you.
- Older men, open hearts. All man after 50 are not about trophies on their arm, any more than all women are seeking life-long “big daddies.” Each gender has its share of opportunists that gives the rest of the group an ugly rep. Later in life, men often turn to love and connection, perhaps with more open hearts than they had at 25 or 30.
- More time, more money means more romance. Time and money are excellent relationship nutrients. You may have more time and disposable money now. He probably has more time and money now. Ergo — relationship pleasure goes up.
- What’s meaningful means something different now. Your definition of “meaningful” expands with maturity. As the definition expands, so do your possibilities. In your 20s and 30s, only those relationships that led to marriage were said to have “worked out.” Now your field is so wide open. Live with someone? Maybe. Remarry? Maybe. Same sex, true love? Maybe. Travel fabulously with a married man and then happily send him home to his wife who has to deal with his sciatica? Maybe. The meaning is in the connection between you. The context matters so much less.
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