Entertainment | 05/20/2008 10:00 am

'wOw Friend' Marie Brenner: Sibling Wars - The Battle Continues

Editor’s Note: Marie Brenner, author of Apples and Oranges: My Brother and Me, Lost and Found, is also contributing editor at Vanity Fair and author of Great Dames: What I Learned from Older Women. Click here to read Michiko Kakutani’s review of her book on NYTimes.com.

What is it about the mystery of brothers and sisters that turns many into strangers in later life? From the responses of wowOwow’s bloggers to my conversation with Lesley Stahl (click here to read it), a few common themes emerge.

First, the rage of brother against brother, the sibling wars: “I couldn’t believe he had a brother he didn’t talk to,” a blogger named Kelly said, of her husband. “I kept asking ‘Why?’ saying ‘I don’t get it?’”

Some of the wowOwow bloggers reported reconciliation, the miracle of turning the telescope. So, how to turn the I-will-never-speak-to-them-again tone into something better? “It’s amazing, the two of them barely remember what the problem was,” Kelly noted.

I wish I had an answer for this. It took my own brother and me years of conflict to be able to even attempt to flip the switch. Our life together was bicker, bicker, bicker. We were a Red State and a Blue State, yin and yang. My brother Carl polished his guns, boasted of his membership in the NRA and attacked my New York City “ACLU friends.” More opposite than that you do not get.

Like many brothers and sisters, we were frogs trapped in a well of childhood, stuck in role-playing that stayed with us like a latex suit through childhood. We fought over everything — what to have for holiday dinners!? In midlife, both of us with successful careers, we spent one Thanksgiving furious because he insisted on serving goose and I wanted turkey. I wish I was kidding about this.

Our situation of complicated brother-sister stuff is hardly unique; experts say it is shared by about 40 percent of all of us. By age 11, we spend a third of our time with our brothers and sisters, far more than we do with our friends and parents. Only in the last decade have researchers begun to study the effects of our brothers and sisters on our lives as adults. There is no question that the “buried sibling images” go with us as we sail out into the world. They are our icebergs and connect to how we relate to our partners, friends and coworkers.

Another blogger vents an equally common theme: “Sometimes you have to create the family you need. I would never dream of trying to mend fences with my half-brothers. They don’t deserve one minute of life’s precious time.” Are you sure? Many sibling therapists might disagree.

29 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

It’s me you quoted about my half brothers…and yes, I’m sure. My therapist agrees one hundred percent. I have a lovely life, so why go backward and drag toxicity into it? They made the decision to treat me this way, and have made no indication that their opinions etc. have changed over the years. My time today with my husband and sons is indeed precious, and I wouldn’t take a second away from them in order to spend it on the bitter toxins from my past.

By J B on 05/20/2008 11:03 am

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LilyOTV….oh how I feel for you. When I was 17, my dad married the most wicked, mean woman on this earth. Once I had kids, I could not visit my dad. She actually called me and told me to never come to the house. I was not invited to family dinners, but her kids were there. I found out she always told my dad I wouldn’t come. When some other person had a family dinner and I was present, she would approach me and tell me to keep my kids away from my dad. She was jealous….it took a while to realize that. In my youth I was the favorite child, but once my dad married this woman I was competition. I remember once when my dad was in the hospital, and had to be in ICU, the hospital had a list of who could visit. I was not on this list so I couldn’t go see my dad. She told my dad that she called me and I told her I wouldn’t come and see my dad. I later found out that she even told me dad that he couldn’t visit my mother’s grave….good Lord, she was jealous of my dead mother. Before my dad died, he caught onto her tricks and really lit into her. But I still was hurt that my dad believed her and would even think that I didn’t care. I also will never forget. I’m sure I won’t have to worry about seeing this woman when I go to heaven….she took another route that bypassed the good place.

By doll lady on 05/20/2008 12:59 pm

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Lily, I also was the first one in my family to graduate college, and I was the first one on my block of Italian Americans to move out and get an apartment on my own after I got a full-time teaching position. My parents really didn’t support my college ambitions because my sister had dropped out to get married. (That marriage didn’t last and neither did his child support) So, I had to go to college at night my first year and work during the day. After that I went to school during the day and worked after classes. I was lucky that the City University was affordable. My parents wanted me to work as a secretary on Wall Street and bring home Christmas bonuses. But, I rebelled. While my family never disowned me, I did always feel like the outcast. My sister, on the other hand, who made terrible decisions in her life, was protected both emotionally and financially by my parents. My parents also helped me too, but I never felt the emotional support from them that I would have appreciated. Now my parents are gone, and I do not feel connected to my sister’s family. But, my sister never really included me in her life, so by extension, I am not always included in theirs. However, I try to be a good aunt. I am glad that you were able to find a family that loves you.

By Brooklyn Gal on 05/21/2008 3:37 pm

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I just ordered Marie’s book for myself, and I intend to get copies for my siblings. The “NTY” review by their most discerning and critical writer was spectacular. The story must have been difficult to live. I really commend you for your consistently fine, brave work.

By Patricia Burstein on 05/20/2008 11:40 am

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“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I thought someone here was actually reading Anna Karenina. Anyway, there is truth in this. While my troubles with my siblings are not life threatening, I think for some people such troubles can be. I do think there are some sibling issues that travel with you no matter where you go. And you have to deal with these issues—but not necessarily the sibling. If someone has a brother that has been repeatedly violent and abusive, I say sail away… Some people really are dangerous. Now I have a brother who I love, but who constantly attacks me on political grounds. I will say hello, how are you doing. He will start to holler at me for supporting Kerry. I will look behind me to see if he is talking to someone else, make a joke. He will yell about my membership in the ACLU. I keep telling him how sorry I am he is so upset, would he like a cookie? He takes the cookie. Eventually he simmers down. But boy, we cannot discuss politics rationally. He just gets so…emotional. [And they say women are too emotional.] Still, he is not a danger to me, as some siblings are to their siblings. So I see him on a regular basis. I enjoy his company when he is not equating me with the surrender monkeys and so forth. Who likes to be called names? Why does anyone think that is persuasive activity?

By Elizabeth Bennett on 05/20/2008 11:59 am

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We are indeed talking about apples and oranges. Marie is talking about arguments over political differences and feelings that turn hard over the years. If politics and “bickering” were the only thing I (and others here) had to overcome to have a healthy relationship with our siblings, we’d be celebrating. We’re talking about a level of dysfunction and toxicity (and in my family’s case, mental illness and substance abuse) that makes healthy relationships impossible. Marie, please do not sit in judgment thinking that those of us who have chosen to extricate ourselves (in order to save our own lives) are sitting back, with our arms crossed, all smug and stubborn. There is not a day goes by that I don’t feel sadness and even envy from time to time. I think what Marie is missing is that there are families where there was never a foundation of love, respect, health, bonds — that never existed. And it’s not as if we haven’t tried. And in terms of therapy, it was my therapist who first counseled me to “stay out of that toxic environment.” I’m glad Marie and her brother found a way to reconcile, but that doesn’t mean it’s possible for everyone. I have a young friend, a woman in her mid 20s, who is contemplating marriage with a goog guy, but doesn’t want a wedding because she knows her drunk and angry mother will ruin the day. Which she no doubt will. Those are the kind of situations we face, not disagreeing about John Kerry and the ACLU.

By Patricia L on 05/20/2008 12:43 pm

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Patricia L Well put -

By Frannie Em on 05/21/2008 12:00 pm

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I think about how long and hard I tried to fit in with my family. Because of articles exactly like this one. The sadness of being distanced from my family was only eclipsed by the guilt. And I did try, repeatedly. I had these epiphanies and breakthroughs and realizations and longing. Until I woke up one day and realized I did not enjoy being around them. They made my heart heavy and my brain hurt. I was less of myself, when I was around them. As a woman I need to find peace and beauty within myself, as myself. The greatest abuses in the world occur within families. And I am infinitely better off, spending my time healing what those formative years did to me. Trying to create some mythical relationship that never was and never will be is a path to madness.

By Deni G on 05/20/2008 5:27 pm

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Hugs back atcha, Lily!

By Elizabeth Bennett on 05/20/2008 6:23 pm

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I’m huggin you right back Lily…those of us who have “walked through the valley” recognize those who need someone to reach out from the other side and lift them up.

By J B on 05/20/2008 11:01 pm

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Thank you Lily. and I am grabbing a round of hugs here.

By Deni G on 05/21/2008 9:56 am

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Deni Someone very wise once told me that the hardest thing a human being is to try not to fix something. I agree with you. I have been where you are and come to the same conclusion. I learned that trying to change a past failure just attached me to it more. It made me feel worse because I couldn’t go back in time and do it differently, or have them do it differently. It kept a feeling of never being good enough because I couldn’t change that situation. THe truth was, I couldn’t change it - I had to accept it, cut my losses of the situation and move on. My mother always taught me to put principles before personalities. If I let the principles govern my behavior - I could meet them with love. I am not responsible for their ability or inability to respond to it. I am only responsible for my behavior.

By Frannie Em on 05/21/2008 1:58 am

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Oops correction on above post. ‘the hardest thing FOR a human being, is to try not to fix something. whew - what am I doing up this late. 6:00am comes early

By Frannie Em on 05/21/2008 2:02 am

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Frannie, This is wonderful. I could read this every day and my life would be a more beautiful thing! “My mother always taught me to put principles before personalities. My mother didn’t teach me that. But I hear it somewhere else, often. Along with “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

By Deni G on 05/21/2008 10:06 am