On 9/11 I had the morning TV news on. My veternarian assistant came over to tend my cats who were on meds. Within a few minutes of his arrival we watched the first plane hit and thought it was an accident, but when the second hit we both looked at each other and said, "terrorists".

We sat quietly together for hours watching this beautiful clear day turn into horror.   It was eerily quiet for days, and yes we all felt confused,uneasy, and hearbroken for those that perished. I too noticed the hospital staffs lined up to receive the bodies that never came. And like many of us I was transfixed and shocky for days. The city was still and quiet for many days in an indescribable way.

One of my neighbors, an attorney, walked out against the advice of firemen telling him to stay. He’s alive today.  9/11 is a tragedy I will never fully overcome, as my heart still aches for all those that were lost.

On September 10, 2001, I had surgery on my right hand for my severe carpal tunnel, which had been misdiagnosed for 30 years (the term carpal tunnel did not exist when I became symtomatic), and on the morning of September 11th I was attempting to apply make-up with my wrong hand, for my post-op doctor appointment, when my sweetheart threw open the door to our bedroom, looked at the TV and asked me why I wasn’t watching the news, which was what I did every morning.  He grabbed the remote and changed the station, yelling something about a plane, towers, New York, just in time to see the second plane hit.  I was "medicated", even though it had been out-patient surgery, I was still in a fog and I had taken pain medication.  I just could not take in what was happening before my eyes.  We had a 30 minute drive to my doctor’s office, listening to a news station the entire trip, and not saying a word to each other.  I kept thinking that this had to be a dream, but upon entering my doctor’s crowded waiting room, we saw on the wall-mounted TV the first of the towers to fall.  Their were gasps, woefully cries, and suppressed curses from men, and so many tears, but still there was this silence.  I remember looking at the man I love and asking him to please tell me that it was the drugs they gave me that was making me see this horrendous site, but I could tell in his strong face, and the welling in his eyes, that it was all real. 

I was in the exam room with my doctor when the second tower failed - we could hear the reactions of the strangers in the waiting room, the same as when the first tower fell -  and one of his tears dropped on my bandaged hand before he was able to continue to re-dress my wound.  I just sat there crying silently, only nodding or shaking my head to his inquiries.

Later, I remember sitting in a grocery store parking lot while my man filled a prescription for me, and was buying what he thought were survival necessities, and listening to a CBS news radio station on a gray, muggy September day, feeling like that was the most surreal moment of my life.  When his 15 year old son came home from school that afternoon and saw for the first time the film of the collapse of the towers, his first remark was "Cool".  Despite my infirmity, I had to be physically restrained from choking that little ingrate.  He later apologized, but I realized this reality, this horror, was totally removed from his reality.

I ended up watching the tube non-stop for about 36 hours, crying the whole time (who knew that pain medication was like speed for me!).  I thought it was only fitting that for the next four days it rained, unrelentingly, flooding our country road, filling it with frogs, and seeing wildlife that had been displaced, some we had never seen.  Surreal is the only description I can come up with.

Finally, on Saturday evening, I was pursuaded to leave my vigil, as the rains had stopped, and go have a nice dinner.  No food has ever tasted as good as that meal, though it was not exceptional.  I realized that I had not tasted anything in five days, and it was as if my senses had been restored by the loving gesture my partner gave me by making me indulge in the good food I love so much.  I still wanted to feel guilty to be enjoying this simple pleasure when so many were suffering, but I finally figured out that I can grieve for all of those lost, but I cannot carry that grief, it’s not my right.

I have had a difficult time on this day every year since 2001. So many much more personal losses and crisises have presented in the ensuing years, loss of parents, my breast cancer, diagnosed at exactly the time my partner was taking a lucrative, supposedly short-term job out of state (he now has been laid off - 4+ years later).  But, I think what resounds in me after reading last year’s posts, and the ones that posted today, is that "loss of innocence", and I was about to turn 50 years old when this tragedy happened.  I had a wonderful, some would say ‘privedged’, childhood and a good education, but I also struggled as a single woman in businesses that paid less than my male cohorts.  Despite my growing cynicism, I think I still had a polly-anna attitude about the world when it was destroyed by what happened eight years ago.

The conspiracy theories are interesting, and I have read/seen many via my man.  I don’t want to be an ostrich, but I can hardly comprehend what happend eight years ago, much less wrap my head around the thought that some of "our people" were aware it was going to happened and failed to prevent it.  I really believe they did, and that only makes it harder for me to comprehend.

One true thing I have learned today:  the grief never leaves us.

I remember the utter disbelief and shock as we watched what was happening on TV.  And then I remember the absolute quiet…for days. 

We were in Naples, FL at the time.  On Sept 12 we had a small hurricane that never made the news…Hurricane Gabrielle did a lot of damage along the Gulf because of a tidal surge.  We spent several days helping clean up the beach…it was a good break to get away from television. 

When we could finally get on a plane to fly back to Ohio, the airport was like a ghost town; the plane was nearly empty.  There were no real security measures at that point, but I remember we were given metal cutlery except for a plastic knife!  There was a very suspicious looking and acting male passenger sitting near us.  (Remember, the hijacking pilots learned to fly in Ft. Myers, where we took off from.)  My husband and I were prepared to take him out or die trying.  We kept our metal forks through the entire flight, figuring we could stab him if necessary.

Suspicious male passenger nearly ran off the plane when we landed and headed straight to a restroom.  (He’d been in the plane restroom about 4 times in the course of 2 1/2 hours and he’d been into the overhead compartment an equal number of times during the flight.)  To this day, I believe he was an escaping terrorist.

I was in Dallas, Tx attending a training seminar.  My husband planned to join me to visit friends  in Austin, Tx at the end of the week.  Some of the employees were from New York and after our boss informed us of the attack  the people from New York were frantic about their loved ones. 

All forms of transportation were cut off and I could not return to California for 2 days and it took me a while to find out about my brother-in-law who worked at the pentagon.

I didn’t realize that our lives would change forever.  I mourn for my lost feeling of security and taking things for granted.

I mourn for the change in our people have created people who say they are "real"Americans and yet they lack the humanity and empathy. They hate the goverment and advocate its distruction.  They are rebels without a cause.

 I thought real Americans loved their country and were willing to work to make it a good place for all  citizens.  

I wish we could get back that loving feeling that we had toward each other right after 9/11.  We helped each other and did not blame the victim’s of 9/11 by saying they should have prepared.

Over 30,000.00 people are murdered in the United States every year.  Though 9/11 was a horrible act upon our country.  I think going over and over this act on cable news is morbid.  I feel those that lived In NY, DC and NJ might still need to relive these memories to still grieve this out.

 I use to work at the Trade Center back in the 1980’s.  I feel terrible for the people and their families that died that day.  But 30 thousand People are murdered a year in this country and that is obscene and worse than any terrorist attack at this moment in time!  We let the murder victims die in vain and cherish the 9/11 victims.  It’s too surreal for me!  All life is precious!  Everyone of us counts!