When the reporter heard of a three-legged pig saving the lives of a farm family, she thought, why not, and drove up into farm country to take a look herself. When she interviewed the family, she learned that the pig had made such a commmotion that it woke them and saved them from a fire that destroyed the house. In previous years the pig had also pulled one of children from the brink of an old well. It bit into the toddler’s overalls and wouldn’t let go until the child was safely in the arms of her mother. Another time, when the pig was just a piglet, it found the farmer unconscious and with a broken leg at the edge of the forest where he was clearing a new field. The pig ran to the farmhouse and wouldn’t stop squealing until someone followed him to the farmer’s side. Well, thoroughly impressed by this hero pig, the reporter asked: “So how did he lose his leg?” “Well,” the farmer responded, “you don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”

How To Call The Police When You’re Old And Don’t Move Fast Anymore!! George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi ws going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up. Within five mintes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” Alegedly a (True Story)…

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I’ll take 5 loaves.” She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves. By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.”

As a Colorado trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her Mustang, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Jodi and you are..losing some of your load”.. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if the’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Jodi, and you are..losing some of your load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Jodi, and you are..losing some of your load!” When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…”Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Colorado and I’m driving the salt truck!!”

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy , the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued, and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”. NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest (2007). ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE’RE NUTS!

A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers… Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, “What is going on here?” “My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly. “Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer… “Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied

From a Dog’s Diary 7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite! * 9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! * 10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite! * 11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! * Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite! * 1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite! * 3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite! * 4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite! * 5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite! * 7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my “baby”! My favorite! * 9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in masters bed! My favorite! From a Cat’s Diary Day 1,183 of my captivity…. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and commented about what a good little kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was because of my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

A young evangelist preacher goes into his church. The baskets are empty, people aren’t giving much lately. He decides to pray to God. While he’s praying, he’s thinking. He finally asks God, “Dear Lord, How long is 10 million years to you?” God replies, “For me, it like one second.” The next day the preacher has a plan. He sits down in the pew and asks God, “Father, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” God pauses, smiling to himself. Then he replies, “It’s like a penny.” The next day, the preacher goes back into the church and asks, “Father, may I have one of your pennies?” And God in his infinite love and wisdom replies, “Sure kid. Just a second.” ::::::::::::::::::: As usual, Laura Bush beats her husband to the morning breakfast table. And as usual, she is reading the New York Times. Horrified, she tells him, “Four Brazilians were killed in Iraq today!” “No kidding?” says George, reaching across the table for a forkful of Jimmy Dean Lean. “How many is a Brazilian?” :::::::::::::::::::: It’s 8 a.m. at the gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless.” They both nod yes, and with that she strips naked from the waist down, kicks off her shoes and rolls the dice. She’s yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of shoes! Mama needs a new pair of panties!” She then starts jumping up and down, and up and down, and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! YES YES! I WON!” She picks up her money, slips on her shoes, grabs her clothes and quickly walks away. The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What the hell did she roll?” The other answers, “How would I know?! All I saw was snake-eyes.” ::::::::::::: Susan goes to see the doctor about getting a facelift. “OK,” says the doctor. “I can do part of the face lift now, but you´ll have to come back again in 6 months for a follow-up. ” Oh no!” says Susan, “I want it done all at once!” The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “We do have a new procedure..it doesn’t require your coming back.” “Yes, yes, what is it?!” she pleads. “Well,” says the doctor, “We insert a small screw into the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appear, you give it a small crank and the wrinkles go away.” “Wonderful!” says Susan. “Let´s do that!” Six months later, Susan comes charging into the doctor´s office. “So, how´s the procedure working? “ asks the doctor. “Terrible!” yells Susan. “It´s the biggest mistake I ever made! Just look at these bags under my eyes!” “Susan,” the doctor replies, “Those are your boobs! And if you don´t stop turning that screw, you’re sure to have a beard!” ::::::::::::::::::: An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, and he dashes over. He’s pretty sure he’s seen her here before. When he comes over, she seductively gestures for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is so full and bushy. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly, stroking his face with both hands. “Um, actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him,” she whispers, running her hands up behind his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Oh yes. I need you to tell him something…” she answers huskily, pushing a couple of fingers into his mouth and letting him suck on them, gently, as she pushes them back and forth. “Would you tell that cheap bastard for the last time? Put some hand soap and toilet paper in the ladies room.” ::::::::::::: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. Desperate, he approached a security guard and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa!” “The guard look around sharply and asked, “Quick, what’s he like?” The little boy hesitated. Finally, he shouted out, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.” :::::::::::and a repeat, from way back: Three women - two in their 20’s and one in her 50’s - were relaxing, naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman
pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “Oh, that was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young
woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my Blackberry. I have a microchip right here, in my hand.’ The older woman, chafing and feeling rather low-tech, decided not to be out-done… She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned, with a longish portion of toilet paper dangling from her derriere.
 The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
 The older woman happily explained…….. “Well now, will you look at that?!… I’m getting a fax!!’

Two nuns are driving in Transylvania when a huge bat lands their windshield. The passenger nun starts screaming, “Do something to get it off!” The driving nun turns the windshield wipers on but the bat just hangs on. The passenger nun screams “Use the windshield washer - it has holy water in it!” The driving nun squirts the bat but it just screams and hangs on. The passenger nun screams, “Show it your cross, show it your cross!” So the driving nun leans out her window and yells “Get the f—- off my windshield!”

Ok, here goes. AND we do need to laugh. An elderly lady calls the switchboard of the local hospital. She speaks to the operator and tells she is trying to reach Norma Findlay in Rm 302 and cannot. She says she is very worried about her. The operator feeling sorry for her says, let me see what I can find out. She calls the nurse on the floor and comes back and says, you will be glad to know that Norma findlay is doing well, her blood pressure is down, her tests came back ok and she may be discharged on Tuesday. The older woman thanks her profusely. The operator says, is Norma Findlay your daughter? No, she replies, I am Norma Findlay in 302 and no one tells me crap!!! (supposedly a true story)

steve martin wins—-‘Remember when the world blew up, and we all moved to a different planet? But nobody told the stupid people?’—- sometimes comedy is more real than fiction—-

How to remember the numbers one through five in French (I learned this at a very young age—it made me groan): There were three cats named un, deux and trois. One day they went to a swimming pool. They looked at their reflections in the water and thought there were three other cats to play with. They all jumped in, but could not swim. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. (un, deux, trois “cats sank”)