The love of my life died a few years ago, but I hadn’t seen him for close to 30 years. He loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. Despite subsequent marriages, I have never stopped being in love with him. He visits me in my dreams and I now live where he lived the last 20 or so years of his life. Just being here makes me feel closer to him. I expect to see him in the next life. He was the most charming and the wittiest man I ever met. I remember every detail of our time together, and the things we did and said. He made my experience of living so much richer than it would have been had I never known him or had the feelings I have about him. He always said it was a shame my love wasn’t for a worthier cause, but I know better. I wouldn’t have missed loving this man, even though he wasn’t my man, for the world.

It’s amazing and I guess not a coincidence that I finally went to check out this new site. Now I know what I have to do next. I have to marry this one to keep him. I am scared of that, but…I’ll have to decide. I now know the ball is in my court. Having control is a much better advantage when it comes to controlling and dealing with one’s painful emotions.

I can’t describe how devastatingly lonely my childhood and young adult hood was. I grew up in a silent, empty house with a mom who worked 40-80 hours a week and battled horrible anxiety and depression. we moved every six months to a year, had no family around… devastatingly lonely. All I ever wanted was to “belong”. There have been two men in my life that felt like home. I’m married to one of them. How lucky is that? He’s home. he’s the love of my life. But ya… I still sometimes think about the other one. I don’t pine for him by any means. My life and love are to good for that. But I remember sometimes. And I hope his life is good. I’ve been lucky (or smart. who knows) in terms of the men in my life. I was drawn to good men who treated me well.

No. He was a user. It took me a while to figure that out. Hard to see it in the drop-dead gorgeous lawyer, with all his charm and promises. Especially when I was so young. One day, I just decided I wanted out. I told myself I wasn’t going to be used. I wanted to be treated with dignity and respect. And I decided. And that was that. I didn’t speak to him again. Didn’t return his calls. I just disappeared. Best thing I ever did. When I was 20 years old, almost 21, I took a job in a law firm. And there he was. (Another lawyer. I cannot help myself!) And we have been together ever since. He had all the qualities that I was looking for. At that time, they were kindness, consistent behavior, morals, etc., etc. He is well-read, well-traveled, politically astute; and he makes me laugh - and he has never asked to move me far away from my mother. That was one of my conditions. She lives a couple zip codes away. And the two of them get along. So I am fortunate, and I can say the same for him.

By “ever since” I mean 31 years.

Nope. I’m the one who always walked away and finally found the one who I will stay with for the rest of my life. Here is a poem I wrote after my friend, Polly, told me this story over a lunch of tuna sandwiches one summer afternoon: HEART RENDERS For Polly Fitz Sitting in your battered Buick Your hands running over me Like Braille, Sinatra’s lyrics are lifting Us beyond the fogged windows Out somewhere in the dark, And you whisper, “I could never marry Someone smarter than me.” Than I, I think, But never say. You were the first and you broke my heart Whose pieces I used to infuse My anger, my ambition, my stalwartly goals. Some years later a friend tells me, “He married the fucking prom queen!” By this time I could laugh. Now, decades later, you seek me out And we meet for coffee at a small café Whose doors you enter looking Exactly like your father in every way Except for that mouth I remember Pressed against my own. You say you have never forgotten. You say you have always loved me. You say you’ve been successful in your career. You say your wife has Alzheimer’s— And I sit and I listen, the coffee getting cold In my cup, Wondering how things like egos and broken hearts Can shape a life. From 2003

When I saw this question, (who thinks of these questions?) I thought of a line from one of my favorite movies, The Zero Effect, “To me, she will always be a singular unforgettable event”. To me he will always be that, (refer to 5/15/08 question of the day “First Kiss”) and more. Over the many years since we met, I have wondered why his image will NOT leave me. It’s like he took something from me that I needed to have back, precious young love. We were in fact too young to know who we were let alone the value of anyone else. We had what I call “cosmic chemistry”. It wasn’t sexual, it was ethereal. All we exchanged over a couple of years was a kiss and some very poignant letters. I’ve asked God why his memory won’t leave me and I never got real clarity, until… I found him on the net this year. I emailed a happy hello, he returned a happy hello. We both are married, so you can imagine that what I did was risky. But it’s been 27 years and I don’t want to do anything wrong but I have questions, you know? Anyway, in my “high”, I wrote a very personal letter. Let me describe this “high” sisters because this is the most intriguing thing about this episode. When I saw his reply to the first email, before I opened it, I was flooded with a chemical reaction that was so strong and pleasurable. I felt like someone had injected me with a narcotic. Don’t laugh, I was stunned. I don’t smoke or drink, so you can imagine that I was swimming. I felt like that for a week and it gave rise to the bad judgement in writing that personal (intense but not romantic) letter. Well, the letter WAS too intense. No response. So I followed up with an explanation/psuedo apology letter. No response. So… I don’t know what to think now. I’m a little disappointed in myself for getting caught up so quickly. I can say that the spell has somewhat been broken, he’s a great guy with a great life and I could complicate things. I respect that. I never wrote to him again and never will, it’s over. If there’s any future communication, he must initiate and I think that’s unlikely. Well, that’s my story on this subject. I don’t know whether to thank or rebuke Liz for this question.