Question of the Day | 05/05/2008 8:38 am

Have you turned into your mother? If so, how?

Read more about: Mother, Mother's Day, Relationships

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Happily I can say no I did not turn into my mother. She was a drug addict and alchoholic and a terrible thoughtless woman who used everyone for her own benefit. She was unable to show love to anyone. I am completely different from her and very glad of it.

By Marie McConnell on 05/06/2008 1:36 pm

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I’m not nearly as smart yet, or worldly but mom taught me to be true to myself and she taught me what it means to be strong and brave and loyal and to respect myself and in that way I am just like her — and want to be. (We also have the same laugh.)

By Cassie OMalley on 05/06/2008 2:10 pm

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Am I like my mother? Oh, yes and if she were still with me she’d laugh at how much I’ve become her. I have her voice, her humor and the thing she hated about herself the most. We both open mouth insert foot. Oh, the times I would say, “MOTHER” and she’d look at me with wonder. What was wrong? Now, I do the same. I was not fortunate to have children so I get to embrass my nieces and nephews——boys do not embrass as easy as girls. Mom loved the theater and movies. We went together all the time and I miss her now as I go to see a movie that I know she would have enjoyed and I leave the theater thinking of her. To all you moms out there, Happy Mom’s Day. Have a great one.

By Rajean Scown on 05/06/2008 2:35 pm

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im 31, and i just immediately began to sob when i read the question, much less all of your stories. i admire my mom in a lot of ways, she is extremely confident, well-liked by men; actually by everyone. i seem to have inherited my father’s temper and off-beat sense of humor, which doesnt endear me to others. i have to work a bit harder for my friendships, but they are always worth it. my mom and i are friends, we have great conversations, and no matter what, we always have each other’s backs. we are both considered “black sheep” in our families (my parents are divorced and both re-married, though my mother divorced her 2nd husband as well, and now has a live-in boyfriend) and so we can always bond over our sibling’s (in my case, my father and step-moms kids) misfortunes. catty, yes. but nonetheless, fun. im sure you’ve experienced it. i dont think my mother believes i will ever find a husband. whenever i get depressed and tell her i am scared i will always be alone, she never says “oh, of course you will” or something else. she always tells me that its ok to be alone. she has also told me that she hopes i never have kids, because i wouldnt make a good mother. SHE never wanted kids, and she considers my brother and myself hindrances to her life. i know i am much more empathetic, and i know i am more intelligent, and i know i am more caring. i am in therapy now and i am learning to ignore her comments on that subject. i hope to be a good mom, and it was so helpful to read the positive, but esp the negative. i still have hope that one day i can prove to her that i can be loved.

By daphne b. on 05/06/2008 2:36 pm

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Dear Daphne Please dont listen to your mother, I know its difficult but you really dont need to prove to her that you can be loved. Everyone is loveable, its just that some people cant show love properly. You will be a great mother, if you allow yourself the opportunity to BE a mother. I have learned never to give my secrets to my mother as they will be chewed digested and generally flung about by all and sundry. I rely on my good friends. Make sure you have good friends, be a good friend and you will never be unsure of your own worth. I hope you find happiness x

By G M on 05/06/2008 3:03 pm

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Daphne, my friend, you have come to the right place. May I say….fun as your mother is…she sounds a tad immature and selfish…so you need to mother yourself a bit. Though has good traits too…she is a naysayer and not affirmative with you. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own self-perceptions and beliefs. And perhaps selfish motives. Perhaps she wants you to stay single so you are always there for her. Once you know a person will crush your dreams….keep them to yourself and find affirmative people who will support them—like us!! I don’t think you need to prove anything to your mother, but to yourself. Believe. Seek and ye shall find. Maybe go to a bookstore and read all through the self-help section until you find a book that speaks to you, someone mentioned Motherless Daughters above. You are not your mother’s assessment but what you make of yourself. Something to consider at age 31 is that by becoming the best you can be, and focusing all energy on that, you will attract what you want. People are attracted to other’s with accomplishments and goals. You will have a much better marriage if you first build a life of your own. There was an excellent thread awhile back….what advice would you give to an 18 year old….it was equally good advice for a 31 year old..please read it. Am sure your mother loves you very much in her own way. But you need to arm yourself against the toxicity. So brava for the therapy. Jackie Kennedy also had a mother who was a put-down artist and in some ways it spurred her on. It’s good that you realize you are more intelligence, caring, and empathetic…so use that powerhouse combination to care for, be empathetic and intelligent with your own one precious life. First make your own life as the foundation to everything else and you will grow your life from a position of stenght. All best….and glad you are here Daphne.

By zut alors on 05/06/2008 3:52 pm

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O U C H! Don’t believe everything your mother tells or taught you, Daphne. Take a closer look at the world as you might find it if you do look. There are many worlds out there, pick one and build on it. Sit down and list all of your assets — personal and physical. Then BELIEVE in yourself! Above all, NEVER have this converssation with your mother again. She seems too be coming at life, at least YOUR life, from a very negative, unhappy point-of-view. Obviously, she doesn’t know everything, maybe missed the boat. Good luck and best wishes for the happy life thata’s out there. Therapy is a great idea.

By Jenny Oops on 05/07/2008 7:57 pm

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i’m half my mother, and half my father. both my parents were amazing! i was born in 1956 with a severe birth defect. half of my face didn’t develope in utero. they told me i was beautiful, smart, and could do anything. they searched for the right doctors, and took me everywhere. i swore i wouldn’t call young people honey or sweety,but somehow i hear those words of my mother coming out of MY mouth! i t could be worse i guess. i have her honesty and her warmth i’m told. i miss her and my father very much! i have his wisdom and his spine. they were married 54 happy years. she sat by my hospital bed 12 hours a day after surgery. played cards endlessly and made me keep score to learn math skills. i can only imagine how hard it was for both of them. i am incredably lucky to have such amazing parents!

By cindy s on 05/06/2008 3:02 pm

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daphne b., forgive me for my reply if it is inappropriate, but I did turn 61 yesterday, and for some unexplained reason I’m taking that as a license to shoot off my mouth. I still have hope that one day you can prove to you that you can be loved. You have wonderful qualities, not the least of which are intelligence, humor, and wit. Emphathy is a highly underrated and rare commodity. At one point, I was telling my mother what I didn’t like about my life that was all her fault, and she said, “I don’t understand what is the matter with you. I quit feeding you when you were 23, so I think it’s time you took some responsibility for your own choices.” I was hurt when she said it, but she was right. I think you’re well on your way to becoming a totally knockout terrific person, so just don’t let her have too much power over your choices now. (You could both use the rest.) Mazel tov.

By Mugsy Peabody on 05/06/2008 3:03 pm

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Mugsy…You have such a nice way of saying things. You’re like my Dad in that…so tactful. Poor Daphne just got advice from me because I have that ‘male trait’ that if someone presents a problem I want to fix it. My youngest sister told me for many years of a problem she had with her first husband (who died and who I really liked) and I finally got exasperated and said. “You know I’m symphathetic with problems but complaining about him is becoming your lifestyle choice. What are you doing?” She banged down the phone, wrote me a nasty, but clever letter, and didn’t speak to me for a year or so. The silence was bliss. They lived in the Caribbean…he died…she moved back to the states got an MA and is an excellent school psychologist, has a garden like something out of Sunset Magazine, and is married to the perfect man for her. She is now very big on personal responsbility. I wonder if she remembers that letter. “You and your sherry sipping friends” indeed! Sisters. Also liked what you said about your grandmother…I had a great one too. So Daphne….response in the spirit of concern..anything useful great if not well we didn’t even waste paper in cyberspace…as Deni said someplace we’re pretty good at telling each other to STFU sometimes!

By zut alors on 05/06/2008 4:06 pm

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This very morning at a fishing pond, I wrote to my mom about what I was so thankful for to her. She is 88 years young and her sense of humor is even better than I remember as a child. The part that I am like my mother the most is how I love each of my children. She was always fair and treated us evenly and we never felt we were loved less than our sibling. She also was not afraid to let us experiment in the kitchen and try whatever we wanted to cook or to bake. I am ever grateful, for I have a passion to bake and love the creativity to do so! She also ,always listened to our woes and ideas. That is another area that I have done with my own sons! The idea that we could be or do anything we wanted to be , is what I have been the most proud of. She learned new things as she got older and is always reading about the world we live in and this is also a blessing to me. Love can conquer alot and being loved by my mom has been the area that most describes what she has done with her life. Love others as you would love them to love you>

By Carla Altland on 05/06/2008 4:13 pm

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I would like to think I turned into my mother. She was a wonderful person who would bend over backwards for you. She had a beautiful heart and she is missed dearly. I only hope that my children feel the same way about me.

By Joan Brown on 05/06/2008 4:56 pm

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My mum made me strong, my mum made me tough. She was political; she was witty; she was artistic and creative. Maternalistic, domesticated, she was not. Her claim to fame is that she founded the Newport Jazz Festival with my dad Louis Livingston Lorillard. They met in Naples during WWII. He was an army officer and she taught orphans art through the Red Cross. They bonded going to jazz clubs in Naples. My mother was not an enabler. She questioned my values, my taste, my style, my cooking, my parenting skills, and my choice in men and dogs. When she was alive I hated her because she was so critical. She died last year and I find that I really do love her because she made me strong. Because of her I write every day. Because of her I am on the Obama RI Steering Committee organizing a rally Flag Day here in Newport, RI—-even though I know that she is scolding me for not volunteering for Hillary. She taught me to be my own person. Her name is Elaine Lorillard. She brought jazz out of the dark cellars and into the open spaces of tennis casinos and ball parks, a freedom that led to Woodstock, which I wouldn’t have missed for the world. Back then, here in Newport she and my dad were criticized for having musicians in their house. History might just remember her as one of Newport’s legends. It gets even better, she was also an artist who left a small body of her art, collages that she had been working on for 33 of her 93 years.

By Didi Lorillard on 05/06/2008 6:07 pm

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Didi—That’s a great legacy to be the daughter of the woman who founded the Newport Jazz Festival and made you strong and self-disciplined. She conjures the Grace Kelly/Bing Crosby film “High Society” set there and around the weekend jazz festival. Love the Cole Porter music in that film. Do you have a blog? If so do you have your mother’s collages uploaded there or eleswhere that we could see. I do collages too and would love to see them if they are available online. Thanks you.

By zut alors on 05/08/2008 1:03 am

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I’m more like my mother WAS than IS today. I’ve taken to canning and making preserves and have become obsessed with old recipes, baking from scratch, gardening and the simple things in life. I frequently peruse websites about the Amish (!) thinking, ah… a better life away from technology — to be more connected to the land and visiting good neighbors. What am I doing living in this fast-paced town with 16 hr work days? My mother, on the other hand, would rather buy a store bought pie today. Go figure.

By Buh- Bye on 05/06/2008 6:20 pm