Laura Bush’s Freedom Fowl Receipe: INGREDIENTS: 1 Large Butterball Turkey Freedom Fowl (can substitute Oscar Mayer ballpark franks) 2 boxes of NicoDerm CQ nicotine patches Orville Redenbacher extra-butter popcorn PREPARATION: As with any chore, the first thing to do is fill a coffee mug with your favorite adult beverage of the day. Remember that cooking can be even duller than childrearing without proper libations. Scoop out the nasty stuff they stick inside the bird. Gals, this will make you feel like the turkey’s freedom fowl’s gynecologist if you don’t use Rubbermaid gloves! Leave the giblets and anything else you find in there on the floor for the dogs. Peel the protective covers off of the NicoDerm patches. Use them to completely cover the bird. Put the Level 1 patches on the white meat and the Levels 2 and 3 patches on the dark meat. (Hostess Tip: Remember to serve yourself breast meat for an added kick at dinner!) Plaster any unused patches up your inner thigh where nosy photographers won’t see them. Save a couple to apply directly to your tongue while you mash the potatoes. Remember: Any chore can be turned into fun with the right prescription! Give the bird 30 minutes to absorb all the nicotine. Your adult beverage is probably gone at this point, so by all means pour another! Sometimes, I’ve had so many adult beverages, I forget to preheat the oven to 375. And if you have gotten this far in the recipe and not done so, you have, too! Silly! So, preheat the oven to 375 and have some ciggies while you flip through a Kountry Krafts magazine while you wait for the oven to warm up. Stuff the popcorn into the nasty, moist center of the bird. Your turkey freedom fowl should be thoroughly smoked now, so peel off all the nicotine patches. Place the turkey freedom fowl in your now hot oven. When you hear popcorn flying out of your turkey’s freedom fowl’s a$$, you know that your delectable smoked turkey freedom fowl is ready! Bon Appetite! Laura’s Famous ‘Refined” Hot Cocoa: -1 C Nestles Quick chocolate syrup - 4 T Sweet n Low artificial sweetener -5 C Amaretto Carnation Coffee-Mate nondairy creamer - 3 C Everclear grain alcohol - A pinch of salt - A pinch of cinnamon -1/2 t Sam’s Club imitation vanilla flavoring Mix, heat, then top with Cool Whip (or Miracle Whip if you don’t have a sweet tooth) and marshmallows. —————- Laura’s Texas Two-Step Vodka Gravy: Peel the plasticy outer layer off of 15 Slim Jims with a sharp knife or your teeth Scrape out the wonderful filling with a grapefruit spoon and place in ¼ cup of boiling water. Cook until the water turns a brownish-yellowish-green (like used chewing tobacco in the bottom of a Styrofoam cup). Put 4 Tablespoons of the “Slim Jim Nectar” in a pan Blend in 4 Tablespoons of flour, using a low heat, and stir until smooth Slowly stir in 2 cups of water and the rest of the Slim Jim Nectar Boil for 5 minutes, stirring with the hand you are not smoking with. Add 1 teaspoon of Gravy Master (my secret!) Turn off the heat and add 2-3 cups (to taste) of Gordon’s Vodka. Serve! ——————————— Bushie’s Carrot Head [the onoly vegtables he’ll eat] Cover about 2 inches of the bottom of a CorningWare dish withtraditional lard if you are not serving liberal food-Nazis! Sprinkle with a fistful of Morton’s salt Slide a fingernail into the pouch of a Winn Dixie frozen baby carrots and dump them onto the counter. Place the carrots into the lard in the design of a face smiling or frowning depending on whether your Xanax is waxing or waning. Sprinkle about 5 Tablespoons of Diet Tang onto the carrot face Microwave for 5 minutes. —————- Skoal Mint Chewing Tobacco Cowboy Cookie Recipe 3 C. all-purpose flour 1 T. baking powder 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to absorb odors - no one will know!) 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor 1 tsp. salt 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature) 1 1/2 C. Sweet’N Low sweetener 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener 3 eggs 1 T. vanillin extract 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips 2 C. sawdust 2 T spittle PREPARATION: Preheat oven to 350ºF. Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl. In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute. Gradually beat in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract. Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust. Drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart. Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through. Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies. ————— Laura Bush’s Guide To Republican ‘Glamour’ http://www.bettybowers.com/bushglam.html ————- Jenn’s ‘Alamo Basement’ Drink Receipe; An “Alamo Basement” 2 parts peach schnapps 1 part Ballerina vodka (or any vodka that comes in a 1/2 gallon plastic easy-pour safety bottle) A crushed Vicodin*, and a splash of soda. It’s served through a funnel and accompanied by chanting. Bush Twins result: http://www.mydogella.com/jenna1.jpg