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Question of the Day | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

What advice would you give a daughter, niece, goddaughter or granddaughter who was pregnant out of wedlock?

© iStock
Liz Smith

Liz Smith | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

Liz Smith Would Offer Options

Well, I would offer options. Abortion is legal and though it is emotionally trying, it is not a crime in my book nor in the lawbooks … carrying a baby to term and offering it for adoption is legal and would make somebody somewhere yearning for a child very happy, but again, the process would be emotionally exhausting … having a baby and keeping it at such a young age would be arduous, trying, possibly financially difficult and life-changing; it would certainly put a crimp in her very young life. But it is a completely honorable and even lovable choice … I would discuss where the so-called "father" might be and what might be expected of him. If she wanted to marry, I’d offer deep caution and my blessing.

Then, with the barn door already wide open, I would discuss birth control for the future. I would try to discuss paracticalities for what’s the use of moralizing at that point?

Click here on this text to read my New York Post column.

Mary Wells

Mary Wells | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

Mary Wells Takes the Focus off Herself

I think every child is different at different times of their youth and no one is in full control of their life especially when they are young. I would want to know all about her feelings about her baby, the young man in the situation and what his dreams of the future are – I am pretty sure I would know her dreams. Although I am pro-abortion, the idea of killing my grandchild makes me sick. But I think I could focus on my daughter, not me, to help her think and feel her way through to her decision. I have adopted children and know how right that can be. But I also know that for young girls to have a child with or without marrying the boy in the story is a decision that can cut a potentially strong and meaningful and useful girl’s life short at the knees.

I have seen young women kid themselves and everyone around them that having the baby is the right thing and they had to have the baby when deep down in some terrified numb place they are screaming they not at all ready for that baby.

I would probably talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until in desperation to shut me up she would talk more revealingly. If that didn’t work I would keep trying to see a right answer appear and not rush marriage or abortion or anything else. Fortunately we live in a time when it is not such a terrible thing to have a child before marriage. Grown-ups are doing it left and right all over the world. And they are adopting children all over the world. So I would do what I could to be sure that my daughter would not feel alone or that she had no alternatives or that I found her disappointing or that she was in some way hurting the family. I would just try work it out with her slowly and find ways to remind her how much we loved her. And I might go to church.

Joan Ganz Cooney

Joan Ganz Cooney | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

Joan Ganz Cooney: The Options Are There, but They're Not Easy

I would tell her that there are no good options and discuss each of them with her. I would suggest that abortion would in some ways be the easiest but not the only.

Sheila Nevins

Sheila Nevins | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

Sheila Nevins: Some Wishes Trump Judgment

I would tell her she is too young to raise a child and that this early fetus can be aborted simply. If my daughter felt she wanted this fertilized egg to become a child and to birth this child, I would help her to follow her wishes — even though it would be against my better judgment. I would wonder why she had not been more careful about conception and I would make certain that for the future she was well-versed in methods of birth control. Though I’m certain I would have versed her in these ideologies from her 12th birthday, if not before. But no matter what ensued I would love her unconditionally because she would have been my very — wanted daughter.
Cynthia McFadden

Cynthia McFadden | 09/12/2008 12:00 am

Cynthia McFadden Would First Ask a Question

I can’t imagine a tougher question. I guess I would start by asking her what was in her heart. What was her relationship with the father? How early in the pregnancy is it? I imagine she knows her options only too well so I guess I’d just tell her that I understand each of the choices are hard choices. Each has consequences. Having been pregnant, knowing the thrill of having your own baby inside of you, I could not easily counsel abortion. Having raised a child and knowing the maturity and patience and time it takes to do it well, I could not easily counsel keeping the child. Having been adopted myself and knowing the complications and heartache placing her child with others might cause her, I could not easily counsel putting the baby up for adoption. I would tell her I would love her and respect her whatever her choice. And then I would try to stop talking and listen.




134 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Belinda Joy
I respect the fact that you would not choose to react in this manner. But the fact is I don’t have any children and never will. I have countless nieces and young females in my extended family that I have given candid advice to as it relates to sex. Luckily (fingers crossed) so far we have not had to tackle this issue. I would be so disappointed if someone in my family was in this situation given the open, frank and honest communication we have in our family as it relates to sex. To know that they were careless would crush me. I wish I could say I would be like you or others on this site that would be comforting and loving and keep any disappointment to myself, but I know myself and how I would want to be honest. I agree with your remark to my post, but then again that is why I don’t have children nor do I work with any. The thought of genuinely having to deal with this would be awful.
By Belinda Joy on 09/12/2008 3:00 pm
C Hardy
Belinda…having a 2 1/2 year old daughter makes me say “oh no more” but I would love to have 10 of them running around but can’t afford 10 of them…But I understand where your coming from b/c there are plenty of parents who would react that way but I guess once you feel the LOVE of your child its just amazing and you will do anything you can to NOT see them hurting. Yes I have yelled at my daughter over stuff and felt so awful afterwards and then found other ways to deal with her terrible twos we are going through right now and I find if I just breath and get her to my eye level, and tell her straight, believe it or not, she listens and gets it, 1/2 of the time…but that is still better then yelling and screaming at her or spanking her and making her scared of me…My Dad was like that and to this day I am scared of him even though I lOVE him, he is my father and had a hell of a child hood so I dont blame him for being how he was but I dont want to put that on my child, wow that has taken me time with a therapist to figure that one out! Just know that we are all human and will make mistakes…I mean even if they took our advice and used condoms or Birth Control they arent always 100% effective so accidents do happen!
By C Hardy on 09/12/2008 3:11 pm
kelsey davies
I wouldnt yell at her but i do agree she at leat give birth. It also depends on the situation and she truly dosent want the baby your right there is adoption, and not only should abortion be the last option it should not even be an option.
By kelsey davies on 09/13/2008 12:19 pm
Oh! My Favorite
It would completely depend on her age and financial situation. Past the age of 25 with a steady job and not of the frame of mind that requires a man in your life? Keep your child if you can muster the resources and mental stamina needed. Under that age…get an abortion.
By Oh! My Favorite on 09/12/2008 11:31 am
g c
This is such a truly personal subject and I believe there are so many different family situations. I personally faced this in my life as have many other family members and friends that I know. In my moms generation the women she knew In high school got married or went away. She said in college some of the girls on campus had illegal abortions some almost died, many had complications. My paternal grandmother told my father that during the depression women took the herb ergot to terminate pregnancy and it was very common in America and other countries. I am in my 40’s I have personally had to make hard choices, so did some of my classmates. Some kept their children and their families helped to raise them, some got married, some whose families weren’t as involved had a very difficult time of it, had a hard time living up to their potential and didn’t always make the best decisions regarding the child and their responsibility. I had an abortion due to date rape as a senior in high school and I am thankful that I was able to make that choice. While in college I dated some one for several years, I got pregnant we were using protection but had a failure and we gave the baby up for adoption because we did not feel we were certain of our future together and we felt unprepared financially. I got married to someone else and we waited 8 years before we had children 3 total. I celebrate the fact that the pill exists as well as condoms. I am thankful that I was able to make the choices I’ve made. My daughter I put up for adoption would be in her early 20’s and I think about her all the time and wonder. I do not think about the abortion I had nor do I have any regrets, I am thankful for Roe v Wade. I believe this is the conversation I would have and have had with my daughter whose 16 year old friend is now expecting. I laid it all out on the table, she is keeping her baby she is the oldest of nine. I did speak to her though about all her choices.
By g c on 09/12/2008 11:32 am
Lise 22
So much of what I would say would depend upon the situation. All three of children were born out of wedlock as my ‘husband’ and I have never legally married, so I don’t have issue with that. It is must easier to raise children with some money in the bank and with some support of a partner but really a child needs love, discipline and more love whether that comes from a single mom with a part-time dad or from a single father with a part-time mom or from extended family and friends. I would however remind her that it takes more than a sperm donation to make a father, and to never use her child as a pawn to get child support or to piss him off.
By Lise 22 on 09/12/2008 12:48 pm
Frank Peterson
Has anyone really looked at that work: wedlock? It’s such a controlling image: wed and lock. Anyway—As we only had a daughter I can only relate to that situation: first we’d set out her options and the cases for and against, explaining all options fully. Secondly we’d ask her to think for a week offering her all the love we always gave her and telling her that her decision would be the one we would follow. Then after her decision plans would have to be made, but we’d stick by her in whatever decision she makes and follow through with her ideas and plans. What else can one do that is loving and kind and still sensible, She has to make the final decision and as her parents we would stand by her. And not force her into a marriage she wouldn’t want.
By Frank Peterson on 09/12/2008 1:11 pm
Patty E
I too, am pro-choice….and there really is a smorgasboard of choices, that can be made…and not one choice is appropriate for all circumstances. I was never able to bear a child, so everyone else’s child became my child as well. When my sister was in a car accident that left hier in the hsopital with a broken back for months and months, she discovered she was pregnant. Had the pregnancy gone to term, it would have been dangerous to her survival—-abortion was the decision. When a young woman, who already had 2 children and was pregnant with the third, came home from grocery shopping one day, she discovered her husband had moved out and taken all the furniture. She called me for help, and after a week of researchinoptions, took her to a Catholic home for unwed mothers, whose mission was to place the child into adoption. Adoptions through this agency, allowed the birth mother to interview the prospective new parents, and coose who SHE wanted her child to go to. There was also room for agreement that would allow the birth mother to visit with the child, as it was growing up, and of course, when the birth mother is the one choosing, she has the right to choose adoptive parents that are open to that….which she did. My very best friend for life, was working in a Doctors’ office in a small college town. For some reason, sperm found its’ way into the water, one year, and there were a LOT of babies (6th graders) having babies….my friend had 4 boys….by the time they were 9 or 10 years old, every one of them had been ‘educated’ about sex, babies, and how they were made, the responsibility involved, the feelings involved when hormones invade the body, the difference between love and sex, diseases one could catch from sex, safe sex if you must have sex, the WORKS! And it Worked! Her boys were able to explain these things to other boys, when they got to high school—-where FINALLY, sex discussions were part of the classroom.. I think the earlier the better.
By Patty E on 09/12/2008 2:55 pm
kelsey davies
If i were pregnant i would be scared of course. Abortion isnt an option. I believe that when you have an abortion you are murdering the fetus and not letting it experince life. I would keep my baby because its mine my baby im responsible for it although i acted irresponibly getting pregnant its a blessing being pregnant.
By kelsey davies on 09/12/2008 3:06 pm
Lynn Marie
I don’t have a daughter but I have a 15 year old Niece—- I have told her over/over BE SAFE== use protection- If she needs help she can always come to me— women have choices- I also gave her the address of Planned Parenthood and told her she can always go there for birth control or GYN care. Also a copy of ”our bodies ourselves’ Her mom is in denial that her daughter is sexually active and believe my Niece will come and talk to her when ”she is ready” —not gonna happen as I know she is sexually active and has been for a while. I talked with her also about social issues-to slow down in life—give yourself time to make choices—-she has seen me raise my son as a single parent and I shared that with her as well. As far as my son—who is now 28 and the only one of his group who is NOT an unmarried Father (can you imagine?)— When he was 12 I talked to him the best I knew how—he already knew a lot then.Then I put mucho condoms in his top drawer along with a copy of Our bodies ourselves. He was in a Christian Private School—I got called into the office and questioned about this—I bit my tongue because they are all pro life-I am not-I was respectful- and told them that was my choice and they needed to take there heads out of the sand….. Hey I grew up in the 70s we were wild and free before we knew anything about AIDS etc……My sons generation is being brought up to believe “”SEX CAN KILL YOU”” I often wonder what affect that will have on them in the long run…..
By Lynn Marie on 09/12/2008 3:33 pm
Lynn Marie
Oh My God I got so caught up with NOT getting pregnant in the first place I never answered the question hahahahahahahaha OK I would tell them that they have choices and if they needed help making them I would be there or family planning could offer them free counceling
By Lynn Marie on 09/12/2008 3:39 pm
Maurine H
As a pro-choice mother and grandmother I am fortunate that we have open communication in our family. My daughters all received extensive education about birth control and STD prevention when they were teenagers. If one of them had become pregnant we would have talked and I would have discussed options based on my daughter’s age, her health, ability to support a child, and relationship with the father. When families face unwanted pregnancies together whatever choice is made, family support helps tremendously. As a volunteer for a Planned Parenthood-sponsored clinic, I was amazed at how uneducated both young women and their boyfriends were with respect to birth control and the danger of STDs. No abortions were performed at the clinic but we had constant demonstrators who tried to prevent our clients from coming to the clinic. I was proud of the young people who stood up to the demonstrators (most of whom were shouting religious slogans and carrying signs with photos of dead fetuses) and exercised their rights to receive counselling. Education is the most important gift we can give our daughters and sons. STD prevention, alone, is reason enough to use condoms. Pregnancy is not just a nine-month journey. It means years of responsibility for another human being, both emotionally and financially, and I would want my daughters to look that responsibility squarely in the face before deciding to give birth.
By Maurine H on 09/12/2008 3:46 pm
Chrome Toe
I wouldn’t really giver her “advice”. I would talk about her options and choices and the pros and cons. I would weigh in with my experience and what I know. I would talk about her own resources and her ability to access them and what it means. We would “talk”. a lot.
By Chrome Toe on 09/12/2008 4:01 pm
impishone_ga
I think, if she chose to keep the baby, I would also remind her, strongly, over and over. That her life is NOT over, but yes it will be a challange. I would strongly encourage her to finish school and start some sort of a college, or tech college program. Advising her with a strong nudge, to the medical field. Where she can raise a baby on her own finacially. She has to learn that being independent is her ONLY option after this baby is born.
By impishone_ga on 09/12/2008 4:44 pm
kelsey davies
I agree i totally agree. In school they should have indendant living classes so they know how to live on there own.
By kelsey davies on 09/13/2008 12:14 pm