Question of the Day | 10/14/2008 12:00 am
What do people always say to you that drives you crazy?
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Susan
The same thing happens to me. I introduce myself as Frances (I like Frannie here) but people will then call me Fran. I don’t care for the name Fran. Sometimes when I am tired I will slip with a person who has introduced themselves as Susan or Suzanne because I have a sister Suzanne and I call her Suzi and she calls me Frannie. One person in the whole wide world called me Francie and that was my dad and I loved him for it. I didn’t let other people call me that because it made me feel special when my dad said it. Hee Hee.
people always talk about how “tough” i am. Like I don’t have any feelings. they’ve even SAID I don’t have feelings. One boss in an evaluation (and he meant it as a compliment) called me Attilla the Hun! One time my husband and daughter were joking about how I don’t have any feelings and I said “that hurts my feelings”. my husband goes “aw honey I’m sorry. you’re right. primal urges to kill are feelings”.
On a motorcycle ride one time a guy we were with made a big deal about how i had “balls of steel”. huh?
But seriously… I don’t know how anyone ever got the impression that I don’t feel things like other people or that I have “balls of steel”. I spent my life working with and loving children. some of them killers. I’m a huge softie I think!
But it drives me crazy. really it does. I feel really “unseen” when people talk about how I’m so tough and haven’t got any feelings…
Kelly, I’m going to guess that you are not someone who manipulates through or is easily manipulated by others’ emotions and that this is what people are using to form the idea that you don’t have any feelings. In my opinion the majority of Americans use or are easily swayed through emotional manipulation. You’re likely in the minority and are not vulnerable to emotional strategies but that does not make you an unfeeling rock!
Have you ever taken an MBTI ( Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) test? Some criticize and others swear by MBTI - if nothing else it can at least lead to a better understanding about an individual’s personality.
E Flynn— Re MBTI. In my profession, MBTI is often used by companies once they have the top candidates selected for a position that invoves managing highly complex projects, high stress projects and hundreds of people. I’ve taken that test so many times could pratically write it. I like taking tests, and generally taking it got me the job. So I’m one who has a positive reaction to MBTI. Dumb me, I actually think it’s fun like those people who do the NYT crossword while hanging from a strap on the subway.
W. Warrior—I’m one of those NYT puzzle-doers. I prefer to lean against the door that says “Don’t lean against this door” while doing the puzzle. There aren’t any straps on the newer trains.
In answer to the question at the top of the page, I get annoyed when people finally see me for who I am, and then say “Gee, I always assumed you were sooo quiet!” Meaning meek, I suppose. I am not tall (I prefer “perfect height,” in lieu of short, at 5’3”), pale (cannot help that; I don’t tan, I just get skin cancer) and thoughtful before making a comment—so when I do come out with a zinger some folks who don’t know me are surprised. I am not quiet, nor am I meek. (Nor am I green.)
EF - I was just posting to wine warrior that I’d never heard it phrased like that before. but I think you’re right on… how’d you get that so fast?! No I’ve never taken a Myers Briggs.
Kelly - Your description of how others view you and your feeling about it reminded me of myself. It kills me that people make virtual minstrel shows of their emotions just to get their way - and then they get their way! Most people fall for these antics, they eat it up. I’m going to guess that if you take an MBTI test it reveals that two of the major characteristics of your personality are that you are intuitive and a thinker, and maybe that you are a perceiver. It will also probably reveal that your personality type occurs less frequently in the general population. There’s nothing wrong with being a rare bird! When I took the MBTI test for the first time (and thereafter) it hit on and clarified for me some aspects of my personality that had confused and hampered me over my lifetime. Certain characteristics were always viewed as problematic by my family because I was so different from them, naturally I MUST be the problem. I grew up thinking I was a somehow wrong or odd and wanting to find some way to be more like them. They were generally much like everyone else in the general population and while I had a full life somehow my band marched to a different beat than theirs and I could never quite get in line with them or hear the music that they were dancing to.
The MBTI helped to point out which of my natural strengths I should really capitalize and build upon and which inherent weaknesses I might work on or learn to work around. When I read my results it was a relief, sort of like finally getting a diagnosis for some condition that was bugging me for years - only I very normal. It clarified so much for me and helped me to better understand myself, the people in my life and how to better relate to them or even maneuver around their shortcomings.
Here is a free test that should give you fairly accurate results.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Good luck hon’.
Kelly, I agree. I was the oldest of 5 and the one who did everything, the ‘strong’ one, ‘the ‘tough’ one. My grandmother would say, “She’s got everything done while the others are still thinking about it, “she has the house reroofed and the driveway waxed while everyone is still in bed,” I’m not ‘allowed’ to have feelings. It’s OK that everyone else in the family is devastated over my brother’s death. Not me, because I am ‘strong.’ It’s very dismissive.
Suzanne,
You are strong and competent, but you are also very feeling. I get that a lot in my family. When I was going through chemo everyone just thought that it wasn’t a big deal for me, “you’ll just breeze through that.” I didn’t whine and complain because I didn’t have the energy for it, and what was the point? It would just make me feel worse. Sometimes feelings are private and we keep them that way so they don’t become diminished by others.
you said it perfectly. it’s “dismissive”. Another thing… people will say things to me they’d never say to someone else. they’d be afraid of hurting anyone elses feelings! But for some reason it’s okay to say it to me. or to behave in ways with me they’d never behave with anyone else. It’s sort of a dichotomy. On one hand it’s a good thing. I’m not someone who wants you to beat around the bush or mince words or deny what you’re thinking or feeling. I’m not. but on the other hand I do HAVE feelings and having them taken into account occassionally would be nice. People feel very free to tell me EXACTLY what they think LOL.
E Flynn posted that she thinks I’m not a “manipulative” person emotionally. I’m guessing you’re not either. And it’s true. Adn I think that’s somehow translated by people as “tough”. I’d never really thought of it like that before but it makes total sense. If i’m thinking something or want something well… you KNOW it. There’s no guessing. My husband always tells people that’s his favorite thing about me. if he asks if I’m fine and I’m not I say “hell NO I’m not fine”!
Kelly
I don’t get why they say that. Maybe because you do deal with some tough characters and you are able to do it. I think you have great feelings and I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you. Great feelings and great intelligence.
“At the end of the day” is a phrase that makes me crazy. I worked with someone who abuse the expression almost hourly!
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