Question of the Day | 03/31/2008 4:20 pm

Who was more important to you, your father or your mother?

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My father was it to me when I was a kid. I skewed my world completely around men. Usually inaccessible ones, since Dad was away working a lot and could be a tad remote. But my Mom always called me a "Daddy’s girl" and so I was.

My mom and I were, as I got older, mostly combative. As a child, I don’t have strong or frequent memories of her.

Parents. Show biz. They were away often. I was a nightmare adolescent. Truly insane. My mother was fairly resentful of the opportunities that fell in my lap as if from fruit trees. She felt thwarted from having a career. But after my father died, we both tacitly put down the gloves and learned to be friends. And that kept growing till she died, a year-and-a-half ago. We gave and got tremendous comfort and support from each other. And I am so grateful we could turn it around. We were very loving in the last 25 years and it made such a huge difference to both of us and who we were.

By Candice Bergen on 03/30/2008 4:21 pm

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I was closer to my mother than I was to my father. He was very tough on my brother and me but adored my sister. He was an extremely powerful figure in my life and it took me a long time to recover from his death when I was 26. When he died, I felt as if I were a puppet which had been severed from its strings. On the other hand, I was my mother’s baby and her love probably saved me. He was the dominant figure in the household with a marvelous wit and sense of humor and a horrendous temper. She held it all together. I would say they were equally influential, in both negative and positive ways, in influencing their children’s lives.

By Joan Ganz Cooney on 03/30/2008 4:23 pm

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Since my parents did not divorce, I never had to choose between them, and this is no time to start. My mother taught me (as she taught generations of school children) that glibness is not the same as scholarship and that the latter is, in the end, more fun. My father taught me that if you are honest and kind and do the best you can under the circumstances at any given time, you will be forever free of guilt and remorse. I learned his lesson (which is why I am the only person in the Customs line at the airport with something to declare, even if it is only a few dollars over) better than hers. But I am still working on that, although my parents are both long gone.

By Judith Martin on 03/30/2008 4:24 pm

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Father or mother? I thought for most of my life it was my father. Feisty, combative, assertive, energetic, a gambler, a horseman. I wanted to be him. I thought he and my brothers were worth emulating. I didn’t want to be standing in the door with the mop or broom like my mother. But in New York, in therapy, I began to see it was my mother who was really “the source.” Good, kind, gentle, genteel, a Christian to the max, a soother, a calmer.

Today I seldom think of dear old Dad; but I miss her still – very much. Wish I could have been more like Elizabeth McCall and less like Sloan.

By Liz Smith on 03/29/2008 4:55 pm

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By the way, this wonderful QUESTION OF THE DAY was sent in by one of our readers: BROADABROAD. A big thank you. And a reminder, we would love to hear YOUR questions and suggestions to “Talk to Us.”

By Joni Evans on 03/31/2008 10:43 am

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Neither, My mother died in a car accident in 1960 when I was 7 years old. I was the oldest daughter, ended up being chief, cook and bottle washer for a family of 7. My 3 brothers, 1 sister, my grand father and my asshole father. My father never remarried, he just sexually abused me. And I’m going to say something odd. I glad he only sexually abused me because that meant he left my little sister alone. Does that make sense to anyone??

By Jan "Smith" on 03/30/2008 4:52 pm

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Jan…that makes a lot of sense to me. I hope your sister understands what you did. In fact I hope your family understands what you did for them. I hope and trust you have received counseling for what happened to you and realize it had nothing to do with you as a person.

By Eve Fulton on 03/30/2008 7:16 pm

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Dear Jan…It makes tremendous sense to me to. You must have a self-starting, responsible and protective nature to have jumped in to care for the family. To then be betrayed by a misguided man who should have had the same sense of protectiveness for you is another horrible loss on top of losing your mother. You are incredibly brave, and very true to your sister. In some cosmic sense these wrongs seem to be evened out eventually and I do hope that your blessings far exceed, your losses. Your father’s behavior is no reflection on you—only him. All best-Suzanne

By Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye on 03/30/2008 9:53 pm

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Thank You, I have received counseling, and lots of it. I really am fine now and have accepted that it happened to me a long time ago. I love my sister very much and she loves me. She knows that I had to protect her. We are very close. I have been married now for almost 35 years. I have one daughter who has given (me) us 2 grand daughters who I charish every time I see them. You might say that I kind of over protect them. But having a good time while doing it. Thanks again.

By Jan "Smith" on 03/30/2008 9:59 pm

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Jan, Dear One, my heart goes out to you. I never realized so many children were sexually abused. I cannot think of anything more horrific for a child to have to suffer. How men can be such animals is beyond my understanding. I am truly sorry that any child would have to endure such pain and it seems like you read about it all the time. It seems to be getting worse and all the child pornography on the web only adds fuel to the fire. Your sister must adore you. Your name has been put on my prayer list.

By Estimada C on 03/30/2008 7:27 pm

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Yes, it makes terrific sense; you must be one hell of a person; good luck in all you do.

By Esther Bradley-DeTally on 03/30/2008 7:49 pm

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Thank you again everyone for your concern. I never did confront my father for what he did. I blocked it all out of my head, then BOOM, it all hit the fan when my father died in 1977. Thank God for my husband. I am now at peace with what happened to me and I talk with others going through tha same thing in thier past. I suggest that if this happened to anyone reading this. Write down everything you remember, write a letter to the abuser (dead or alive) and write down ANYTHING you want. Have your closest friend or friends read it. Believe me, they will not judge you. They will only help you and comfort you. Friends are the best. This helped me more than anyone could realize. Again, Thank You

By Jan "Smith" on 03/31/2008 9:44 am

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Dear Jan! I’m in your camp. Neither. I was abused by both parents. They both died within the last 12 months at ages 90 and 93. At both deaths I felt great relief and completion. Thank goodness for therapy. I cried all my tears in therapy about what did and didn’t happen in my childhood. So when they died I felt complete. (I had gotten on with my life many many years before, so that was not an issue. I left home at 18 and never looked back.) I was raised by a wonderful black “nurse” and a black “cook”. They loved me. I learned in therapy that it only takes one person in a child’s life who really loves them, to help their through their ordeals. I was blessed I had two people who truly loved me. And I was blessed to find a therapist who was patient enough to help me work through my pre-verbal experiences. Blessings on all of us who have survived……and are now living full lives.

By Suzanne Frazier on 03/31/2008 10:41 am

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Dear Jan “Smith”…..yes, your feelings make perfect sense. You were, and are, a great sister. I’m so sorry you went through what you did, and I hope you had the chance to confront your “father”. I also hope you are at peace. Be well.

By Ginger Richardson on 03/31/2008 9:01 am

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This is a great topic for me because I’ve been doing some thinking along these lines lately. I’m 58 years old and have lost my father but my mother is still with us. For nearly all of my childhood both of my parents worked but it seems like I spent more time with my dad than with my mom. Mom worked days and dad worked nights so he was the one who was home in the daytime. Mom seemed sort of remote at times because she was either at work or very busy at home doing all the things that 1950s and early 60s housewives were expected to do. My parents divorced when I was 17 and of course I went with my mom because that was what I thought I should do, but I actually stayed closer to my dad because he was easier for a 17 year old to get around than mom was. He was trying to be cool and get back into the dating scene, so he wasn’t watching what I did too closely. As soon as I got married though I wanted my mom and we’ve been close ever since. Right now it’s very hard for me to be 1200 miles away from here with her health failing her. I lost my dad a few years ago and I think it was harder on me, being the oldest because I remember more of the good times when he and mom were together than my younger siblings do. My brother who is next in line from me of course has his own unique memories being the only boy and old enough to remember some of the early days. My two younger sisters have fewer memories of the family unit being together. I would have to say overall that I’ve been closer to my mom because since my marriage and the births of my daughters and grandsons we’ve talked about more things that are more substantial in our lives. My kids never really knew my dad that well because when he remarried his new family became his focus. When my mom remarried her husband was the man that my kids called grandpa because he was always there for us. Things change.

By Sherrie Crews on 03/30/2008 4:59 pm