In response to Judith Martin: My parents did divorce when I was 17 and although their marriage did not survive they never expected me to choose sides. My mother has often said she would hate for me to think she’d been irresponsible enough to have a child with someone she’d ever expect me to dislike or disrespect. I am an only child and my memories as a child as well as now are that my parents were my favorite people in the world. They still are. I have been equally influenced by my mother and father, probably the greatest gift they both passed on to me was a strong and sure sense of who I am. I thank God everyday that I still have them both.

Using which criteria? I loved my father more. I admired him more. I wanted to be like him more. But the older I get, the more I realize that in many crucial ways, I AM my mother. When my husband is sick in bed, I “channel” my mother — she talks out of my mouth. Everything I believe about the human obligation to be kind and generous, I owe to Mom.

I loved them both, and they’ve both been dead for over 25 years, but it’s my mother’s voice I hear in my head every day. She was a smart, strong woman who (as someone later put it, ignorantly) “worked even though she didn’t have to.” She told me once that every day since her own mother died, she remembered something she wished she had asked her, and that is true for me now too.

My parents were unusual in that even my younger brother and I couldn’t tell their handwriting apart. Essentially, they were the same person, in a way. To live in our house was a lot like J.D. Salinger’s Glass family, however. The parents were off-stage most of the book. They were there, but emotional distant, involved with each other, like Bogie and Bacall. We kids often felt we were in the way. (And we were.) But they passed down things that were wonderful. A love of the arts, painting, literature, music. Sense of humor from both sides, full bore, obviously. My mother was a wonderful writer. They both believed in doing good work because it was what they did, not what was asked of them. Neither tolerated fools gladly (or at all). They read and read, thought and thought, discussed, debated, argued, and enjoyed. Both were terrific dancers. Mother was the best gardener I ever knew. They had serious, glaring faults, as parents and as people, and they let us down in many ways. But they taught, endlessly, by example, and by mistake, and they expected me fully to be the best person I could be, and would accept nothing less. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of them and miss them terribly, but I had to fight every inch of the way to be the person I am today. (For all I know, that was part of their plan for us.)

I owe everything to my mother. She made me the strong woman I am. My father was a lousy son, lousy husband and lousy father.

My parents divorced when I was just a baby.My mother and I were a team for the first 4 years of my life. We lived with my grandparents until my mother remarried just beofre my 5th birthday. I never really knew my biological father. I count myself very lucky that such a caring and loving man chose to be my father. He has always been my Daddy. He kissed my boo boos, taught me to dance and taught me that I was someone very special and could do much better when I dated boys that didn’t stack up. But then there was my Mamma. We continued to be a team until her death. After her divorce from my Daddy the year after I entered college she moved to be with me. She was my rock and I was here’s. She died a month before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I missed her fiercely but remembered her saying once that even though her life had been hard her children had always been healthy and bleesed and that she was always afraid that it wouldn’t last and something would happen to one of us. I thank God that she didn’t have to take that journey with me. I know she would have done it bravely but I never wanted her worst fears to come true. Today i am healthy and after ten years I still miss her every day. So I guess my answer would have to be that both my Mamma and my Daddy were both extremely important in different ways at diferent times of my life. How lucky was I?

My parents were together for 52 years so no divorce there. I think I was closer to my father in many ways but am more like my mother the older I get! My dad was a gentle man with admirable qualities, the kind I looked for in other men all of my life. He was funny and honest and totally ethical, a real dream of a dad. He passed on good values to my brother and me and for that I will be forever grateful. My mom was a tough cookie. Quick to anger and a real believer in corporeal punishment. She was a strong woman and a real survivor, having lived through some of the toughest times in the 20th century. She was a net-worker, a volunteer, and was always with us when we were ill, even though I got the impression that it was a lot of trouble for her. The one thing I am most grateful to her for was her teaching me to read before I started school. She read to me every night before bed from a huge worn-out book of fairy tales. I think that must have been what spurred my creativity. I thought that letting my father go when he died would be the hardest but I discovered that not to be the case when we lost Mom this past January. She was a wowser and I will miss hearing her laugh.

I consider myself blessed that I can’t choose. My father passed away when I was 17 and to this day is still one of the most important influences in my life. He taught me to work hard for what I want. He gave me unconditional love and taught me to have high standards when it comes to men. I don’t believe a day has gone by that some little something doesn’t bring a thought of him to mind. My mother because she taught me to be strong and to be a survivor. She also taught me how to be a wonderful mother. She taught me how to solve problems rather than cause them. And for all of these things I am so greatful!!!!!

My parents had an awful marriage. My mother was verbally and physically abusive and my father never interfered. However having said that they both came by these not so good parenting styles honestly. What I did get from my Dad was integrity and fairness towards others and from my mother a love of politics and the underdog. I know this may sound strange being they were who they were but they had good points as well. I certainly learned what not to do as a parent.