A Friend Stopped By | 07/13/2009 1:00 am

How My Decision About a Late-Term Abortion Affected My Marriage, by Alice Eve Cohen

The author of the searing new memoir What I Thought I Knew speaks about the most important decision she ever made.

By Alice Eve Cohen

Alice Eve Cohen

Janet Charles Photography

Editor’s Note: Alice Eve Cohen is the author of What I Thought I Knew, just published by Viking. A solo theater artist and playwright, she is the recipient of a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, and is a teacher at the New School in New York City.

Ten years ago, Michael and I had an emotional turning point that nearly jeopardized our marriage. I was 44, he was 34, and we were engaged. I was facing the terrifying possibility of a late-term abortion, with one week to decide.

When I was 30, I was diagnosed as infertile. My doctor told me that I could never get pregnant naturally, and strongly cautioned me not to attempt pregnancy with fertility treatment, as I would never be able to carry a baby past six months. So at age 44, when I started to feel sick, my various doctors attributed my ailments to early menopause and other conditions related to aging. Six months, numerous X-rays, CAT scans, prescription hormones and a slew of doctors later, I was raced to an emergency CAT scan for a large abdominal tumor — which turned out not to be a tumor at all. I was six months pregnant.

I desperately didn't want to have this baby, and I hated myself for not wanting it.

I’d had no prenatal care, the fetus had been subjected to six months of tests and treatments, which were known to cause birth defects and other injuries, and I had every reason to believe that the baby would suffer further debilitating injury from premature birth. I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but at 24 weeks, said my doctor, it was too late for an abortion in New York State.

I desperately didn’t want to have this baby, and I hated myself for not wanting it. I had been unhappy before, but I had never thought about killing myself. Now I began to think of suicide as my way out: the only way to end the pregnancy, and the best solution to protect the unborn baby from a life of pain.

Michael came with me to see an abortion specialist. "Since you’re contemplating suicide, you could have an abortion in Kansas, where, if the mother’s life is in danger, an abortion is legal up until the 28th week," he told us. "Seven days from today." At my request, he scheduled an abortion in Wichita for the following Tuesday. "Think about it for the next few days before you decide," he said. Then he turned to Michael. "What do you think about all this?"

"Me? Oh, Jesus … a lot of different things," Michael answered. "I’ve seen Alice in the throes of this terrible unhappiness, and I don’t recognize her. I’ve been politically in favor of choice, but uncommitted on the personal side — it’s been an abstraction. But now that this is suddenly so real, all I can think is that there’s a baby. Our baby. My baby. And I can’t stand the thought of this baby being aborted. So If Alice has an abortion, I won’t go to Wichita with her. And I might not be here when she gets back. I’ll have my own unbearable sorrow about losing this baby, about endorsing this decision. But I don’t want Alice to kill herself. So she should do what she needs to do."

I spent the week wrestling with this impossible decision. On the day before I was scheduled to fly to Wichita, Michael begged me not to have the abortion. "I’ve already decided to have the baby," I said. Michael thanked me and burst into tears.

For the past ten years, this turning point moment in our relationship — Michael acknowledging my right to choose, but telling me he might leave me if I had the abortion — has remained a largely unspoken but crucial shared memory, equal parts rift and bridge between us.

367 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I guess 9 years ago you couldn’t tell in advance whether or not the baby was "defective"? Sounds like this child would have been aborted for no reason.

By LauraWard on 07/13/2009 1:17 am

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I agree. How come they couldnt tell this growth was a baby nine years ago? Also, I believe they could have taken an ultrasound and know way before that.

By JudyK on 07/13/2009 1:39 am

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Is there ever really a good reason? Would one really let go of a baby because it was "defective?"

By CJMcDonald on 07/13/2009 2:48 pm

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those reasons are up to the woman who owns the uterus.

By AmandaC on 07/13/2009 6:49 pm

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To many people, aborting "defective" babies is tantamount to genocide. Since their parents are able-bodied and able-minded, the dominant group is able to end their lives before they begin.

By KellyF on 07/14/2009 7:49 am

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To many people, aborting "defective" babies is tantamount to genocide.

those people are ignoring the fact that a woman should not be controlled by the contents of their uterus.

to many people, that is called SLAVERY.

By AmandaC on 07/14/2009 2:29 pm

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You’re comparing 9 months of pregnancy to a lifetime of servitude, abuse, malnutrition etc? Without any hope of freedom, ever? With no ability to make any choices for oneself? Seriously?

By KellyF on 07/15/2009 7:45 am

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being forced to carry a fetus you don’t want and being forced to birth it and to pay for all the medical bills that comes with it, plus the health risks that are dangerously inherent in any pregnancy - yes, i do call that slavery.

By AmandaC on 07/15/2009 4:58 pm

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I would have to agree. The writer doesn’t go into any details of the health of the child after birth. The child could have been stillborn or died shortly after, or been perfectly healthy. This article is about the choice, not the end result. I feel for what this woman went through.

By audb on 07/16/2009 11:52 am

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Sheesh. You know, that terrible uterus that rules us so much can always be removed so that we may never be subject to the utter tyranny of it’s contents. Or, there’s always the option that we could, like, not have sex until we’re ready to deal with the possiblity of a pregnancy. Seems to me that those who can’t do so are slaves of a different organ.

By abranaber on 07/16/2009 6:03 pm

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i’m not ruled by my uterus - maybe you feel that way, but i don’t.

I proudly live in the great nation of the United States of America that protects the right to privacy concerning medical information and which protects the right of individuals to control their own bodies and medical decisions.

You know, that terrible uterus that rules us so much can always be removed so that we may never be subject to the utter tyranny of it’s contents

why would i ever want to remove a very important part of my body just because some strangers are against the idea that some women may terminate their pregnancy is a child is unwanted? you make absolutely no sense.

Or, there’s always the option that we could, like, not have sex until we’re ready to deal with the possiblity of a pregnancy.

i never want children and never have. and i will never remove my uterus just to please you or some other stranger based on what could attach on the insides of it. it is completely arbitrary.

and many women who terminate their pregnancies were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it.

By AmandaC on 07/16/2009 6:10 pm

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Wow, Amanda C. I’m so glad you will never have children. You have such vicious attitudes toward the possibility (slavery? WOW. Was your mother a slave? Apparently so). Please use birth control, rather than pretending an abortion is just a procedure that does not involve humans.

By RDeLong on 07/17/2009 10:56 am

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I’m so glad you will never have children

oh good, because so am i! the idea of pregnancy skeevs me out and i’m terrified of just getting a tetanus shot, so i would never be able to survive pregnancy and birth. but if you want babies go for it - i know what i want and what makes me happy, and i hope you know the same for yourself!

You have such vicious attitudes toward the possibility

why is it vicious to not want children?

i dont find that to be vicious, i find it to be self aware and RESPONSIBLE to not have babies that i dont want.

don’t you agree?

also, there is no possibility of having kids… unless one of my brothers has a baby and doesn’t want it, i’ll probably be the auntie to take care of it.

my partner and i protect ourselves, and if i do happen to get pregnant by mistake, i will terminate the pregnancy. it is the best choice for myself, and i have no shame or regrets for not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world.

slavery? WOW. Was your mother a slave? Apparently so

apparently you don’t read well.

let me lower my vocabulary to your 8th grade level: when a woman DOES NOT WANT A BABY and she is FORCED to carry it, that is called SLAVERY and FORCED PREGNANCY.

if you WANT a baby, then it isn’t slavery. but, if you wanted your fetus, and someone forced you to abort, i would also call that SLAVERY.

it is based on who has control over your body, not the presence of a fetus, that makes my argument.

Please use birth control, rather than pretending an abortion is just a procedure that does not involve humans.

why would you think i would not use birth control?

are you just trying to subtly insult me because i dont share your personal views or desires on family and that makes you angry so you have to imply i am loose and uncaring about pregnancy?

not very classy, but thanks for the (already known and heeded) advice.

ooh, here’s some advice for you too: Judge not, lest ye shall be judged.

By AmandaC on 07/17/2009 12:57 pm

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Thanks for your reply, Amanda. I wasn’t trying to insult you, and I apologize if I did.

You may be surprised to learn I have an advanced vocabulary as a writer… apparently I’m considerably more experienced than you in the not-so-subtle nuances of our native language. For example, I know the many definitions of the word SLAVERY, and none of the ways you’ve used that word in this string accommodate a single accepted definition for the word. For example, slavery requires that you have someone actively enslaving you. It doesn’t just mean coercion. There are plenty of forms of coercion—some of them even criminal—and they do not equal slavery.

Anyway, I suspect you are using SLAVERY, an emotionally-charged word, as a form of hyperbole. Fair enough. But don’t expect people to take your hyperbole seriously.

While certainly no one should coerce you in how to run your reproductive life - and I seriously doubt anyone would - it does not seem unreasonable to ask responsible members of an advanced society to try to avoid harm to others. It seems like you’re really angry at Cohen for not choosing abortion… sort of like she set back the case for people who do choose abortion. Most of us have very conflicted feelings about abortion. In fact, national surveys have shown that most people do NOT think abortion should be used casually as a form of birth control - or, in your parlance, "were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it." That’s a VERY shaky definition of preparedness, to say the least.

As to my comment about your vicious attitude, perhaps a better word choice on my part would have been "hostile." Can we agree on that?

By RDeLong on 07/17/2009 5:13 pm

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Thanks for your reply, Amanda. I wasn’t trying to insult you, and I apologize if I did.

no you didn’t insult me :) i may speak firmly at times but you didn’t hurt my feelings. but thank you for your apology, i am very appreciative.

For example, slavery requires that you have someone actively enslaving you.

of course. but forced pregnancy and forced birth mean exactly that: a woman cannot choose how to control her body, and thus, someone else makes the decisions of what she is to do with her body.

if someone forces you to give birth to a fetus against your will, the people in power OR the fetus in your uterus is basically enslaving you. like black slaves forced to use their bodies to pick cotton, to force a woman to maintain a pregnancy is forcing that person to use their bodies to gestate and birth a baby.

that is active enslavement.

It doesn’t just mean coercion.

if you outlawed abortion, or partial-birth abortions, or D&X abortions, that is not coercion, that is forcing a person to undergo a pregnancy or birth without their permission.

it is perfectly reasonable to use the word slavery to describe the ultimate control someone else would have over a womans’ body if abortion was outlawed.

it does not seem unreasonable to ask responsible members of an advanced society to try to avoid harm to others.

of course. i agree 100% - it is in the law books that to touch or push or harass someone is punishable in a court of law. i agree with these laws.

It seems like you’re really angry at Cohen for not choosing abortion

of course i am not angry at her being able to choose! did i say something to imply that i was angry this woman made her own choices regarding her body? i am not pro-abortion, abortion is not a fun thing to go through. any woman would rather prevent a pregnancy if they didn’t want a baby.

In fact, national surveys have shown that most people do NOT think abortion should be used casually as a form of birth control… "were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it." That’s a VERY shaky definition of preparedness, to say the least.

so are you saying you would rather have these unprepared women, who can’t even prevent pregnancy, raising a child?

but i do disagree. making a mistake, or having birth control fail, or having bad judgement at a moment in your life, does not automatically mean that any woman who becomes pregnant accidentally is "unprepared" as a rule or is lazy or uncaring. mistakes happen, people make bad choices, people make bad split-second decisions. it is a part of growing up and we keep doing it until we die.

i would never think abortion should be used as a regular form of birth control - i had one single abortion with the first partner i ever had, and 10 years later i have never had a scare again. not one.

it was a horrible experience, i hate doctors and medical issues in any form. my accidental pregnancy was caused by a mixture of young lust, young love, ignorance that i couldn’t get pregnant, and incorrectly used protection. i would agree that i was unprepared - but that is just another reason that abortion should be safe and legal… how logical is it to force unprepared, young or scared women to have children?

or more to the point… how fair is it to the female and the child alike?

As to my comment about your vicious attitude, perhaps a better word choice on my part would have been "hostile." Can we agree on that?

no! absolutely not!

i am not hostile towards pregnancy or children!

the only thing about me that you may find vicious or hostile is my unwavering conviction that i do not want children! i am personally NOT going to have babies - i’m not sure why a ton of people find this offensive to them - even my doctors smirked and acted smug when i said i didn’t want children… they talked down to me and assured me that sooner or later, i would want a bundle of babies myself. wrong.

i find the figure of a pregnant woman beautiful, and i am very supportive of pregnant women and their families. i gladly pay my taxes, and hope my money goes to help those in need directly.

i am a tireless advocate of the rights women have over their bodies and their children. some people find this unwavering attitude to be hostile… i am not hostile. i am simply unapologetic.

By AmandaC on 07/17/2009 5:33 pm