A Friend Stopped By | 07/13/2009 12:00 am

How My Decision About a Late-Term Abortion Affected My Marriage, by Alice Eve Cohen

The author of the searing new memoir What I Thought I Knew speaks about the most important decision she ever made.

By Alice Eve Cohen

Alice Eve Cohen

Janet Charles Photography

Michael and I have both always feared that the story would be hurtful to our daughter Eliana, now 9, from whom we’ve kept the abortion episode a secret. But now that I’ve written a book about the experience, keeping it a secret from her was no longer an option.

Last week, Eliana read the book. We encouraged her to wait till she was older, but she insisted on reading it before it was released. "Good book, Mom, I like it a lot," she said, to my enormous relief. "Did anything upset you?" I asked. "Nope," she said, "because I knew exactly how it was going to turn out."

I desperately didn't want to have this baby, and I hated myself for not wanting it.

For years, my darkest secret was that I had once contemplated a late-term abortion. Because it’s no longer a secret, it is no longer dark. It took the wisdom of our child, confident in her parents’ love, to clarify this truth — that exercising freedom of choice is nothing to be ashamed of.

367 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I guess 9 years ago you couldn’t tell in advance whether or not the baby was "defective"? Sounds like this child would have been aborted for no reason.

By Laura Ward on 07/13/2009 12:17 am

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I agree. How come they couldnt tell this growth was a baby nine years ago? Also, I believe they could have taken an ultrasound and know way before that.

By Judy K. on 07/13/2009 12:39 am

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Is there ever really a good reason? Would one really let go of a baby because it was "defective?"

By CJ McDonald on 07/13/2009 1:48 pm

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those reasons are up to the woman who owns the uterus.

By Amanda C on 07/13/2009 5:49 pm

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To many people, aborting "defective" babies is tantamount to genocide. Since their parents are able-bodied and able-minded, the dominant group is able to end their lives before they begin.

By Kelly F on 07/14/2009 6:49 am

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To many people, aborting "defective" babies is tantamount to genocide.

those people are ignoring the fact that a woman should not be controlled by the contents of their uterus.

to many people, that is called SLAVERY.

By Amanda C on 07/14/2009 1:29 pm

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You’re comparing 9 months of pregnancy to a lifetime of servitude, abuse, malnutrition etc? Without any hope of freedom, ever? With no ability to make any choices for oneself? Seriously?

By Kelly F on 07/15/2009 6:45 am

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being forced to carry a fetus you don’t want and being forced to birth it and to pay for all the medical bills that comes with it, plus the health risks that are dangerously inherent in any pregnancy - yes, i do call that slavery.

By Amanda C on 07/15/2009 3:58 pm

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I would have to agree. The writer doesn’t go into any details of the health of the child after birth. The child could have been stillborn or died shortly after, or been perfectly healthy. This article is about the choice, not the end result. I feel for what this woman went through.

By aud b on 07/16/2009 10:52 am

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Sheesh. You know, that terrible uterus that rules us so much can always be removed so that we may never be subject to the utter tyranny of it’s contents. Or, there’s always the option that we could, like, not have sex until we’re ready to deal with the possiblity of a pregnancy. Seems to me that those who can’t do so are slaves of a different organ.

By abra naber on 07/16/2009 5:03 pm

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i’m not ruled by my uterus - maybe you feel that way, but i don’t.

I proudly live in the great nation of the United States of America that protects the right to privacy concerning medical information and which protects the right of individuals to control their own bodies and medical decisions.

You know, that terrible uterus that rules us so much can always be removed so that we may never be subject to the utter tyranny of it’s contents

why would i ever want to remove a very important part of my body just because some strangers are against the idea that some women may terminate their pregnancy is a child is unwanted? you make absolutely no sense.

Or, there’s always the option that we could, like, not have sex until we’re ready to deal with the possiblity of a pregnancy.

i never want children and never have. and i will never remove my uterus just to please you or some other stranger based on what could attach on the insides of it. it is completely arbitrary.

and many women who terminate their pregnancies were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it.

By Amanda C on 07/16/2009 5:10 pm

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Wow, Amanda C. I’m so glad you will never have children. You have such vicious attitudes toward the possibility (slavery? WOW. Was your mother a slave? Apparently so). Please use birth control, rather than pretending an abortion is just a procedure that does not involve humans.

By R DeLong on 07/17/2009 9:56 am

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I’m so glad you will never have children

oh good, because so am i! the idea of pregnancy skeevs me out and i’m terrified of just getting a tetanus shot, so i would never be able to survive pregnancy and birth. but if you want babies go for it - i know what i want and what makes me happy, and i hope you know the same for yourself!

You have such vicious attitudes toward the possibility

why is it vicious to not want children?

i dont find that to be vicious, i find it to be self aware and RESPONSIBLE to not have babies that i dont want.

don’t you agree?

also, there is no possibility of having kids… unless one of my brothers has a baby and doesn’t want it, i’ll probably be the auntie to take care of it.

my partner and i protect ourselves, and if i do happen to get pregnant by mistake, i will terminate the pregnancy. it is the best choice for myself, and i have no shame or regrets for not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world.

slavery? WOW. Was your mother a slave? Apparently so

apparently you don’t read well.

let me lower my vocabulary to your 8th grade level: when a woman DOES NOT WANT A BABY and she is FORCED to carry it, that is called SLAVERY and FORCED PREGNANCY.

if you WANT a baby, then it isn’t slavery. but, if you wanted your fetus, and someone forced you to abort, i would also call that SLAVERY.

it is based on who has control over your body, not the presence of a fetus, that makes my argument.

Please use birth control, rather than pretending an abortion is just a procedure that does not involve humans.

why would you think i would not use birth control?

are you just trying to subtly insult me because i dont share your personal views or desires on family and that makes you angry so you have to imply i am loose and uncaring about pregnancy?

not very classy, but thanks for the (already known and heeded) advice.

ooh, here’s some advice for you too: Judge not, lest ye shall be judged.

By Amanda C on 07/17/2009 11:57 am

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Thanks for your reply, Amanda. I wasn’t trying to insult you, and I apologize if I did.

You may be surprised to learn I have an advanced vocabulary as a writer… apparently I’m considerably more experienced than you in the not-so-subtle nuances of our native language. For example, I know the many definitions of the word SLAVERY, and none of the ways you’ve used that word in this string accommodate a single accepted definition for the word. For example, slavery requires that you have someone actively enslaving you. It doesn’t just mean coercion. There are plenty of forms of coercion—some of them even criminal—and they do not equal slavery.

Anyway, I suspect you are using SLAVERY, an emotionally-charged word, as a form of hyperbole. Fair enough. But don’t expect people to take your hyperbole seriously.

While certainly no one should coerce you in how to run your reproductive life - and I seriously doubt anyone would - it does not seem unreasonable to ask responsible members of an advanced society to try to avoid harm to others. It seems like you’re really angry at Cohen for not choosing abortion… sort of like she set back the case for people who do choose abortion. Most of us have very conflicted feelings about abortion. In fact, national surveys have shown that most people do NOT think abortion should be used casually as a form of birth control - or, in your parlance, "were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it." That’s a VERY shaky definition of preparedness, to say the least.

As to my comment about your vicious attitude, perhaps a better word choice on my part would have been "hostile." Can we agree on that?

By R DeLong on 07/17/2009 4:13 pm

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Thanks for your reply, Amanda. I wasn’t trying to insult you, and I apologize if I did.

no you didn’t insult me :) i may speak firmly at times but you didn’t hurt my feelings. but thank you for your apology, i am very appreciative.

For example, slavery requires that you have someone actively enslaving you.

of course. but forced pregnancy and forced birth mean exactly that: a woman cannot choose how to control her body, and thus, someone else makes the decisions of what she is to do with her body.

if someone forces you to give birth to a fetus against your will, the people in power OR the fetus in your uterus is basically enslaving you. like black slaves forced to use their bodies to pick cotton, to force a woman to maintain a pregnancy is forcing that person to use their bodies to gestate and birth a baby.

that is active enslavement.

It doesn’t just mean coercion.

if you outlawed abortion, or partial-birth abortions, or D&X abortions, that is not coercion, that is forcing a person to undergo a pregnancy or birth without their permission.

it is perfectly reasonable to use the word slavery to describe the ultimate control someone else would have over a womans’ body if abortion was outlawed.

it does not seem unreasonable to ask responsible members of an advanced society to try to avoid harm to others.

of course. i agree 100% - it is in the law books that to touch or push or harass someone is punishable in a court of law. i agree with these laws.

It seems like you’re really angry at Cohen for not choosing abortion

of course i am not angry at her being able to choose! did i say something to imply that i was angry this woman made her own choices regarding her body? i am not pro-abortion, abortion is not a fun thing to go through. any woman would rather prevent a pregnancy if they didn’t want a baby.

In fact, national surveys have shown that most people do NOT think abortion should be used casually as a form of birth control… "were ready to deal with the possibility of pregnancy: they terminated it." That’s a VERY shaky definition of preparedness, to say the least.

so are you saying you would rather have these unprepared women, who can’t even prevent pregnancy, raising a child?

but i do disagree. making a mistake, or having birth control fail, or having bad judgement at a moment in your life, does not automatically mean that any woman who becomes pregnant accidentally is "unprepared" as a rule or is lazy or uncaring. mistakes happen, people make bad choices, people make bad split-second decisions. it is a part of growing up and we keep doing it until we die.

i would never think abortion should be used as a regular form of birth control - i had one single abortion with the first partner i ever had, and 10 years later i have never had a scare again. not one.

it was a horrible experience, i hate doctors and medical issues in any form. my accidental pregnancy was caused by a mixture of young lust, young love, ignorance that i couldn’t get pregnant, and incorrectly used protection. i would agree that i was unprepared - but that is just another reason that abortion should be safe and legal… how logical is it to force unprepared, young or scared women to have children?

or more to the point… how fair is it to the female and the child alike?

As to my comment about your vicious attitude, perhaps a better word choice on my part would have been "hostile." Can we agree on that?

no! absolutely not!

i am not hostile towards pregnancy or children!

the only thing about me that you may find vicious or hostile is my unwavering conviction that i do not want children! i am personally NOT going to have babies - i’m not sure why a ton of people find this offensive to them - even my doctors smirked and acted smug when i said i didn’t want children… they talked down to me and assured me that sooner or later, i would want a bundle of babies myself. wrong.

i find the figure of a pregnant woman beautiful, and i am very supportive of pregnant women and their families. i gladly pay my taxes, and hope my money goes to help those in need directly.

i am a tireless advocate of the rights women have over their bodies and their children. some people find this unwavering attitude to be hostile… i am not hostile. i am simply unapologetic.

By Amanda C on 07/17/2009 4:33 pm