Poll | 09/02/2009 11:00 pm

Are you like your mother?

Read more about: Daughters, Mothers, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships

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I am lucky - I’m not!

By Chris Broersma on 09/03/2009 12:53 am

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In some ways I am, and some of those ways I do not like in myself, but some of the ways I am like her I am good with that. Mostly I am just me, and not at all like my mother.

By Lizzie R. on 09/03/2009 1:00 am

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I never knew how much, until it was too late in this world.

By Linda Myers on 09/03/2009 1:02 am

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Somehow, some way, I was blessed in being a carbon copy of my mother. . and have become more so over time. It is only in looking back that I fully realize my good fortune. She loved life and believed in living it to the full - and very often took me along. She definitely was not a homebody or "a housewife". . and so we were travelling when I was out of school, usually by Pullman car but sometimes by plane.

She was a pianist so we attended the symphony. . or Broadway shows . . and I was a regular at Chicago’s Art Institute - knew it by heart. (It had been her first full time job and when I was 16, I too had my first job there). We travelled. She’d say in Los Angeles to me: I’d like you to meet Clark Gable. And so I did … and so many others. It was the same in New York as she seemed to know everyone. Thinking back, I have stories to fill a book with all the encounters that my mother felt were part of her life and therefore mine. We are here to live life to the fullest, she would say.

And, after I was grown, I realized I was following her path, absolutely "hooked" by travel, constantly eager for new experiences, meeting new people, but - in the end, more importantly - being filled with the need to do for others as she always seemed to do so effortlessly. Oh, she worked - at a time when most women we knew didn’t work … and so when I started summer work at 16, I was expected to have some sort of job even through college. I found there were many roads in receiving a full education. . . and those wonderful times we had were balanced by experiences of every sort along the way.

I think we may be imprinted by those years without realizing how much. But I see myself as almost her double in all the things that go into "living life to the fullest" . . . and my regret is that she was gone before I could give her the thanks she deserved.

By joan larsen on 09/03/2009 1:14 am

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Lovely story, Joan - am sure you mother knows how much you loved her and how much joy she brought to your life - remarkable woman, you were truly blessed.

By Pdr de on 09/03/2009 7:46 am

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Oh, Joan, our mothers sound so much alike. I loved your tribute. In my case, however, my mother and I had a somewhat contentious relationship because we were so often at logger heads over what she deemed to be "the right thing." She was a teacher at heart (she had been an actual teacher for many years-quit when she had her first child––me) and if one did not adhere to her ways, then there was recrimination. But this woman was always there for me, encouraged my curiosity, like your mother, a real social worker who gave so much of herself to others, loved the fact that I was an actress, opened up worlds of music and art for me which I am eternally grateful. And through all our years together she was my still point and although she has been dead for a decade, she resides in me––I have, in so many ways, become her.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 09/03/2009 10:12 am

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Phyllis … you too were blessed as I was. And isn’t that wonderful?? Does anyone else have a mother that flew in an open cockpit plane in the 1920s, no less, to their honeymoon site — and loved it? Is it any wonder that she had a risktaker as a daughter who believed that there was nothing she could not achieve in life, do in life? There was a belief somehow placed within me that I could reach for the stars… and perhaps, garner a few. There was much laughter, often outrageous, and no arguments that I can ever remember. I thought everyone lived like that.

As a young married adult - truly just a child as I married young - there was no comments, no interfering. But instead, there were softly given kindnesses often given. My mother believed that couples should have as many "second honeymoons" - time spent without the babies and children - as possible to keep the marriage strong. So she would arrange for us to have long weekends away. Not until years later did I realize the difference in the strength of the marriage came from the times away when we just had each other. With my own children, I made sure that they too had many many second honeymoons, making them also know that I am the romantic of all time - just as my mother was. . and in many other ways, I have tried to follow her good examples. Maybe we should write books called "Becoming My Mother", Phyllis!!

By joan larsen on 09/03/2009 12:28 pm

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Joan, both you and Phyllis, are so fortunate and I think it shows in you both that you had wonderful mothers who "guided" your lives and showed you how to live to the fullest and THINK. Although I loved my mother, her life was wonderful and she had it all, she didn’t know it and self- destructed trying to find utopia and love when it was right there. She was a beauty and very mysterious but I think her self esteem was low. I was raised by my "black mama", Mag, who gave me all the essential important things and made me a free spirit with enough love for 17 lifetimes. Everything I am I owe to her and although she could barely write, she was one of the smartest people I ever knew. As I grew up, my mother wanted to be "me" and tried to do everything I did…even to the point of divorcing my dad just because I divorced my first husband. She just drove off into the sunset in her beautiful car not realizing that it took money to live! Her life became one disaster after the other but like Mag had done for me, I took her under my wing and became her mother for the rest of her life. She had utopia and love but never knew it.

By Agyness O on 09/03/2009 1:39 pm

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Agy — you are on again :-) Do you know — or do you ever wonder what your own mother’s childhood was like. She seemed to have it all and yet had an emptiness within and lack of self esteem. Your story is one I had not heard of: mother copying daughter in adulthood — the puzzle is why? I am wondering if your mother then lived with you or was a part of your adult life was a length of time — and what impact it might have had on your own life. My guess is that it had to have been most difficult. . as in those years particularly, we usually are balancing enough balls in the air … I am guessing this was not the best of times. Our lives could be books, couldn’t they - each so unique, none like the other, and most filled with ups and downs. Thank God you had Mag — in situations like that as children, few have a Mag in their life. What a special blessing!

By joan larsen on 09/03/2009 2:12 pm

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Joanie, you are so right…if it hadn’t been for Mag, I wouldn’t have survived!! I had no love at all but hers. My sister even hated me and was jealous. But, it gave me a fearlessness because I had nothing to lose and my spirit soared!! My mother grew up in a lovely family and had everything but love. All of that was given to her older sister who developed diabetes as a child but she was so beautiful that everyone fell at her feet but she could never give any love to anyone. My parents were only into themselves and my dad used me as the monkey to his organ grinder. I became a performer and am still on stage…can’t help it.

Fortunately, from the outside I had an incredible life that included wealth and adventures beyond compare. But, something happened in my late 40’s and I am just in the last year understanding that it was a breakdown and I was never the same again. She had a stoke with no money and no insurance that cost hundred of thousands and had to live with me with a housekeeper, my husband had an affair, my child left to go live with his father and I just drowned it all in alcohol for a while and wanted to die. My employees pillaged through my business. But, I am a survivor! I lived a life beyond my wildest dreams and feel that I am just so lucky to be me. I wish I had had some guidance as it would have been so much easier and who knows where I would have gone. But, I did it my way. I am now just feeling so good and coming out of an almost 20 year devastation that has left me with a little post trumatic stress. My main worry now is that there is enough time to do all that I want to make up for lost time. I am happy!!!! I love all of you for listening and caring. Hugs all around.

By Agyness O on 09/03/2009 3:57 pm

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Joan L — I thank God each day that I was blessed with the personality of my mother. She was the most patient, understanding, compassionate woman I have ever known. She was self educated in the ways of life. She didn’t finish high school - married my father when she was 16 and he was 20. She grew up with her children. Had three by the time she was 20. She had more common sense than anyone I knew. And, I marveled at her tenacity. When my father became an executive with his company she could "meet and greet" with the best of them. From Governors, Senators, and, once, with the Pope. She always dressed to perfection and had a ready smile for everyone. She taught me that I could be anything or go anywhere I chose. She encouraged me in my studies - she insisted that her children go to college. Especially my sister and I. She was for women’s rights long before "women’s rights" became an issue.

Our house was an open door for all. She welcomed our friends. There was always wonderful dinners and there was usually an extra set of feet under our table. From the time we were small, we always knew she would be there for us. As I advanced into my teen years and beyond she was there with comfort and advice - she was careful, not judgemental, about our decisions. She was an excellent homemaker - loved my father dearly and never picked favorites among her children.

We would spend so much time just having mother/daughter chats. Laughter, sometimes tears, but always love. When she was 63 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The first stages were frightening for all of us. But the worst day of my life was the day my beautiful mother no longer knew who I was. Something that haunts me to this day. She lived on with this terrible disease for another 20 years. And even though she no longer knew who I was - there were days that I swear to this day, I could see just some recognition in the back of her eyes. When she died she took a part of me with her. A part I will never forget. I so miss her. I remember once I just wanted to pick up the phone, and have just one more time to tell her I loved her. Now, she is my angel. She still comforts me in my prayers, she still has her arms around my heart.

My daughter often tells me, "Mom you are so much like Gramsey Girl" - and I always smile - what a beautiful compliment.

By Lady Gator on 09/03/2009 12:52 pm

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Lady Gator … your words had me in tears. Somehow, I knew today that you would join in to this … and guessed that you too would be marked in the most positive manner by the love of your mother. It is evident. What was it that made the difference in US, I often wonder? Perhaps it was the example set. Perhaps it was the love given. Perhaps it was the confidence given in ways more than words that we could achieve wonders. For me, it was the opportunities given from a young age. The daughter of an independent woman almost before her time was given trust and an independence early. I remember being put on the train alone from the Midwest to Steamboat Springs, Colorado at just going on 12. . and then back after camp. Of course, there were porters that looked out for me. But I had had a lot of experience in train travel then, and I did it. THAT and so many other things as I look back.

The trauma you experienced for so many years with your mom’s Alzheimers had to be traumatic in so many ways, sapping your mind and spirit. But you were giving back, hard as it was. And yes, a piece of you is gone - and I understand that.

It was a lovely tribute, Lady Gator!

By joan larsen on 09/03/2009 2:01 pm

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Joan…..The thing I hold close to my heart —- now that mom and dad are both gone, is I have no regrets, I have no guilt feelings about my relationships with both of them. I am so proud to have had them as loving parents. And I’m so proud to have had the opportunity to know both of them - to have had their love and the opportunity to give that love in return.

You and I have such wonderful memories - I feel so thankful that I can share some of those memories with others.

By Lady Gator on 09/03/2009 3:05 pm

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Beautiful, Lady Gator!!! My mother had a stroke at age 58 and was never the same after that. She is very independent, lives alone, drives her car (Oh, God!) and we talk on the phone nearly every day. She has aphasia and has great difficulty expressing herself so she’ll say one word and then I work (very hard) to complete the sentence for her…it’s our way of communicating. Now she is hard of hearing so we are quite comical on the phone. I recently took her on a roadtrip back to the mountain where she was born. We made lasting memories. And I got to know her a little bit better.

I’m nothing like my mother, however, I am a clone of my father’s family, personality, looks, etc. I believe she tried to be the best mother she could be….and when I had my three children I decided I was going to break a cycle and be a very different kind of mother. She did it her way. I did it my way. The end result was good in both cases.

By deber B on 09/03/2009 2:51 pm

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We like Hollywood gossip, like Liz Smith’s column. Other than that, I’m nothing like my mother. I’m not thrifty or neat and I’m agnostic. My mother used to cry if her house was messy (there were six kids), go besserk over losing a dollar (like if she misses a sale from one store over another) and used to make me count my mortal and venial sins (we’re Catholics). It’s easy to see why I turned out the way I did. Only one of us is a like her and they get along the least. But I’d say on the whole, now in our old age, we are a close family.

By Laura Ward on 09/03/2009 1:37 am