"Tell us: Do you think that children are different today from the time when you were a child?"

This is a subject that comes up frequently on our site and my answer is always the same. When I was growing up my father was my parent first and friend further down the ladder. Today it is just the opposite, overwhelmingly parents feel the need to be liked over being respected. They want their kids to be their friends over doing the hard work of actually raising their children. Today most parents allow their children to raise themselves, they allow machines and electronics to occupy their kids lives so that they don’t have to.

I believe kids stay at home longer because they were never instilled with a sense of independence and self assurance. Think about it, how many young people are being raised with a sense of entitlement? How many adults are playing the "keeping up with the Jones’s" game, by sending their kids to the right schools, making sure they have the newest and hottest clothing, computers, cell phones and electronics. All the while defending their actions as simply a sign of the times.

I disagree with you Adrienne, I don’t believe 9/11 has anything to do with young people not wanting to leave home and enter life on an independent basis. It is simply because it is "easier" to live at home. To be taken care of as they have always been accustomed to. Fear has nothing to do with that decision. There are young people who are ambitious and anxious to see what is waiting for them in the big world, they go for it. They were affected by 9/11 as we all were, but they aren’t immobilized in fear by what occurred.

But with all the negatives aside the great things I see in today’s 20-somethings is a need to be heard. To take a stand and try and live life in a real manner. If they’re Gay, most are open and honest about it. When they see racism they speak up, sexism, they speak up. They’re stepping over one another at times to be heard, to make an impression, and I like that. Self indulgent? To be sure. But that self indulgence is measured with a great deal of compassion and understanding.

The summer between my freshman and sophomore years at college, I worked three lousy jobs in food -related industries, each worse than the other two.  I bagged groceries in a rather tawdry grocery store that served Fort Ord, in Seaside, CA.  Every day I saw the same tired mothers with the same tired kids.  The kids would whine:  "I want a candy bar!"  The mothers said, "no," and the kids started yelling.  "Just this once," would say the mothers, every single time they shopped.

At 18 I decided that I’d never buy my kids candy in the check-out aisle.

When I became a mother at 31 my thoughts about parenting had been honed a bit further.  My daughters are 14 and 17, and are very nice young woman.  Polite, respectful of others, interesting, and helpful.  They were raised with the concept that "No means no."  

In younger years they discovered that whining earned you a nap because "obviously you must be tired to be behaving so badly!"  We travelled extensively for business while they were small.  (The older daughter was in 24 states by 24 months, and we were on a first name basis with the stewardesses on American Airlines for 5 years.) 

My children ate politely at nice restaurants, and went all over with us.  But, if one of them mis-behaved, one of us would take them quietly out of the restaurant, etc. until the child calmed down.  Worst case, we’d stop whatever activity we were pursuing, and go straight back to the hotel for naps, because usually, if they were misbehaving, they *were* tired.

My daughters are a great joy to me, but I am their mother, not their friend.  My home is not a democracy.  There is a great deal of love, laughter and respect between us.   Both will be going to college, and are planning to major in something practical that they like, and minor in what they love, if it’s not practical.  That way they can at least get a job in the practical field!

Meanwhile, the girls are taking auto-shop, welding, wood-working, etc. in high-school, as well as the college prep courses.  I want them to be comfortable fixing things for themselves.

My older daughter, courtesy of an Agricultural Science class, knows three different ways to castrate sheep- not that she’s ever been required to do so ;-).  They have consistent chores to do, and contribute greatly to our house-hold running smoothly.  They know how to balance a checkbook, how to cook, and how to clean.

When they leave my nest, they’ll be able to run their own nests very comfortably.  My goal, as their one fuctional parent, is to raise responsible adults who can take care of themselves and contribute to society.  

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

When I was young, leaving home was something I looked forward to! If I couldn’t have found a job I would have entered the Peace Corp. Why are the youth of this country not being encouraged to enter into service of others before getting on with being consumers? I have seen from my granddaughters a sense of entitlement and they know their favorite designer name for purses, jeans, cologne, and all the things they think are necessities but don’t know the name(s) of their government representatives. My oldest granddaughter recently saw "Frost/Nixon" film and called me with all sorts of questions. I was surprised she didn’t know anything about one of our previous presidents.. Wondering what parents and schools are teaching our children? Famous designer names?

Schools are not up to par to when I went to school…I do feel sorry for the young generation and their trying to go out into the world. It will  be a shock and many will scurry back home as I have been seeing from my friends’ grandchildren.

Ms. Resnick’s column is very interesting to me because lots of my friends are in this boat.  Her analysis seems right on.  Hope to read more of her columns

I think it’s a combination of peer expectations and parenting changes.  I have two examples of this.  One of my friends has a 6 year old son and I noticed that every time she wanted him to obey her, she would thank him.  If he stopped screaming and hitting her after she told him to stop, she would say "thank you".  It got to the point she was saying "thank you" for every thing he did.  I felt it was teaching the child that it’s a "favor" to his mom if he obeys her, rather than what he’s supposed to do.  I did mention this to her and she said all the moms I hang around with do the same thing.  They all "thank" their kids for doing what they’re told.  I feel if the child goes out of their way to do something nice or special for the mother, of course, the mother should say "thank you" but not for obeying their mother when she tells them to do something. 

I have two grown children, one lived  with me and the other lived with his father.  The one who lived with me has grown into a smart, considerate, well-adjusted woman who is independent but yet feels comfortable coming to me for advice and fun.  We like hanging out together but it’s a very balanced relationship.  My son, who lived with his father, on the other hand, has the entitlement attitude down to a "T".  He thinks we all owe him something and he has no self-initiative.  He’s also scared and paranoid about his future.  He moved in with me last year and he’s slowly starting to lose the entitlement attitude, but I feel like I have to go back to that moment when he left to live with his father and start all over again, raising him as I would my daughter.  He’s now 23 and is more like a 16-18 year old.  My mother said you don’t really fully finish rasing your kids until their mid or late twenties and I think she’s right. 

I found Ms. Resnick’s column extremely interesting and insightful with regards to the baby boomer generation, and how the climate in which they were raised impacted upon the manner in which they parented.  Her article provides insight and practical tips for parenting!